I hate this feeling. Some deep, overwhelmingly physical sensation, contorts my gut violently. But it’s not physical. It’s pride, humiliation, justification, disrespect, and all the things that I shouldn’t have to fight, yet it drags me down yet again. The urge to escape this feeling can’t be quenched by escapism. No matter how good whatever I’m doing might be, as soon as it’s over, I’m back to thinking about this. Can’t drink my way out.
Angry music helps.
Which one feeds the other? My anger toward reality or the anger resonating from others about reality? Wouldn’t it be easier just to accept things as they are? Allow pride to subside and just go with the flow?
It’s not that bad.
I woke up from a nightmare this morning about it. I remember the dream vividly, even now. It was a phone call where I defended myself as much as I could and it still wasn’t enough. I got frustrated and woke up.
Fight for yourself.
However, it’s not the sort of angry fight that sacrifices myself in the name of burning a bridge to feel better. It’s the strategic show of force. Study the enemy, study yourself, eliminate all failure points.
Gather up these feelings.
This feeling of wanting to disappear from reality. This feeling of wanting to rip apart the offenders. This feeling of hopelessness. This frustration from not being understood. This violent anger. This rage.
What is the source of your anxiety? Dig deep. It’ll hurt. Resist the urge to yield to inferior thoughts. Push forward into that darkness, because you’ll find the root cause of that which disrupts your emotions.
What was that event?
Study it. Understand it so thoroughly that you can detect its scent a mile away. Don’t be afraid to be critical with things. If it’s someone’s offense, remember, not everyone is looking out for your best interest.
You don’t have to be everyone’s friend.
To some people, I am an absolutely terrible person- I wouldn’t disagree- whereas for others I’m a good friend. Find the people who will take you in at your weakest moments, clean you off, and lift you out of the abyss.
Remembering them should be enough.
The memories of their generosity should be enough to help you combat whatever it is that’s eating away at you. The trick is to find that poison. Without doing that, it will linger, and cause your mind to rot.
What was that poison?
Research possible antidotes. That way when you reach out to your friends, sponsors, and family, you can tell them about the poison and possible antidotes. They’ll probably do their best to guide you along.
Take the average of their advice.
Don’t be afraid to be critical. Weigh the options. If everyone you trust tells you to go in a direction you’re uncomfortable with, that could be the way to go. Worst case, flip a coin, and let randomized fate decide.
Just as long as it’s not inebriation deciding.
|Sources: My personal struggles.
Related: Every single Sober Living essay.
Photos: A recent show.