Words mean nothing when you’re stressed out and longing for that familiar, harmful way to decompress. Even close to five years later, the numbness of having a drink or five is still ingrained in my psyche as the ideal evening. We must instead practice alternative actions. Since I don’t think as clearly in the evenings, after constantly confronting stress, I go to sleep early to subconsciously wade through that stress to arrive at actionable solutions.
I overindulge(d) to escape.
Escape from stress and enter fantasy worlds. After having done both extensively, I have found no permanent nirvana in any alternative realities. Some were more fun than others, sure, there was just the overwhelming sense of disappointment in “not arriving” before the responsibilities of my morning alarm would push me out of that escape.
Why the constant need to escape?
I hated compulsory education. I don’t work well, even today, within strict authoritarian regimes. Give me just a little room to breathe and I’m so much happier. So perhaps my addictive personality stems from wanting so badly to escape that system that I would do anything to numb or otherwise obscure those feelings.
With that in mind, how would words help?
Even being told there’s a deadline of say four more weeks until graduation, that’s still four more weeks before getting out of that pressure. Where is the solace? Will the next episode be nicer? Or will it just be another two years or two decades before I can graduate that authoritarian school?
Maybe reassuring language could help.
It’s just after years of hearing the same old bullshit and knowing how stress-free living can be like, there just has to be a balance. I don’t want to live a frictive life. I want it to be peaceful. I will also defend myself against inflicted friction. When should I learn to take some stressful elements as merely words or intangible constructs just slightly beyond my comprehension and when should I act?
Ideally, when it matters.
No point arguing over something minor. Sometimes a friendly email, stopping by to chat, and other ways to convey information is enough. There is something to be said to being the first to reach out. All three of those, however, are actions. It doesn’t matter what words were said, just that at the root, some action happened and there was a change from before to after.
So why do we value word choice so much?
Is it because we think a certain combination of words will cure a situation or lift any curse? Some wording is better than others. It’s just the words themselves mean nothing without a concept or an action behind it. To avow for past deeds could take many words, or a few polite actions each day to show that we all encounter stress, but each day, we choose positive over negative actions, even when they’re inconvenient.
That’s part of what my sobriety counters mean to me.
1778+ days since I started taking actionable solutions.