[Tripping On…] Trapped In Body

For roughly twelve hours after my surgery, my body was completely numb. I couldn’t move my fingers or toes and the healthcare providers that I had trusted with my care were more willing to insult than help me. That is no situation for keeping mementos, yet here I am, writing about my experience. I stared a lot at this ceiling. I had to find my own meaning to life and I did; dissenters be damned.

I am writing these essays to expose the bad behavior of powerful people.

I don’t care what happens to me anymore. My wish for my own death being stuck there must have been visible, since I was asked if I had ever thought of killing myself. I said no, because that’s the correct answer. I will admit here that these thoughts have crossed my mind. What else can one do to find relief for such seemingly unfair living conditions? Being ignored by so many doctors, when I trusted them for their expertise, certainly makes one feel depressed. When I found this spinal doctor, it seemed like he was willing to help me through my spine pain, but once he did his job and there was still more wrong with me, he was more than happy to discard me.

His work was done; my spine was fixed; that my body was numb wasn’t his problem.

As I stared at the ceiling, I didn’t think positive thoughts for this man, nor the other doctors I’ve met over this series that have not been willing to help me or provide even basic empathy to me. These are the most powerful people in the world yet they cannot even abide by the Hippocratic Oath. If the harm is not related to their work, then it’s not their problem. Having to deal with this much pain for so long definitely decreased my drive to live, and as I stared up at this ceiling, I wasn’t even sure if I could survive this. There are others that have survived worse, and others who have not. Metallica’s music video for “One” features a completely paralyzed soldier that has no other option than death. I could relate to that character and that feeling through my own temporary paralysis, which was resolved after a catheter was inserted up my penis to drain the two liters of anesthesia fluid and other chemicals that I was probably allergic to, or at least, caused my body to freeze.

For me to feel that vulnerable means the American Healthcare System has failed me.

The people that worked with me after my surgery were not interested in helping me feel better. They thought I was pretending. For them, it was more convenient for me to be the bad guy, and so they treated me with such disregard that I have to wonder how many other times they acted in such casual disregard? I can move my fingers and toes now, but for those twelve hours – and especially after I told them I was scared that I wasn’t able to move again – they shipped me off to my room to see what would happen. I’ve never felt so isolated or alone in my life. COVID quarantine is nothing in comparison to having your body stop working for you. The most that needs to happen is that you need to adapt your lifestyle to adjust to being physically isolated from others. This is nothing in comparison to experiencing your body become no longer your for enough time that you begin to actively hate everything about how you got to that point and how no one seems to be worried.

An asshole nurse, Jeff- his real name, talked shit about patients being in pain.

He said that no one has ever died of pain before. He asked my spine doctor if he’d ever seen anything like my case before; the wise old doctor replied he had; but they whispered the diagnosis after I was told I was a hypochondriac. They weren’t concerned about me as a patient. I’ve experienced this many times in my career where people will talk shit about whoever asked for their help. It’s this sort of terrible practice that continues in computer repair because of the same sort of unchecked power that healthcare providers can enjoy. No one questions the arrogance of someone fixing their computer or their spine. They can be as terrible of people as possible, so long as they fix the issue, and when they do, they continue practicing their arrogance with even less respect for others.

Why do we respect people like this?

Maybe it’s because everyone else gets out of surgery without issue? Maybe it’s because you never hear the shit-talking that computer repair people will say behind your back? I’m sure it’s the same in any industry. Why do we allow this sort of behavior to continue? For me, I’m not sure what I can do, other than fill out surveys as they arrive to my phone, or talk to my spine doctor about his bad bedside manners, and write essays like this. I could call the hospital, but what will that do besides get limp apologies? I am, after all, able to move my fingers and toes now. The most proof that this happened was amongst those charged with my health from August 31 to September 01 2020.

No one else will ever know that for twelve hours, my body was numb, and they considered it my fault.

It’s an easier narrative among Bad Guys to consider me their Bad Guy. As I stared at this ceiling tile, imagining the water sprinkler being adjusted closer to off-center, I wondered: What is my place in all of this? Am I writing this to shake off those terrible experiences? Am I doing these writings to help others? How far will I fight to take down the worst of the Bad Guys Doing Bad Things in 2020?

I imagine it starts with boldy calling out bullshit more often.

Endtable
Quotes: None.
Sources: My personal and professional experiences.
Inspirations: This concludes the photography and thoughts I had about this situation.
Related: Sober Living essays and Tripping On [The American Healthcare System] chapters.
Photo: My broken body’s frozen view
Written On: 2020 September 01 [7:05pm to 7:30pm]
Last Edited: 2020 September 01 [First draft; final draft for the Internet.]
My big goal is writing. My most important goal is writing "The Story." All other goals should work toward that central goal. My proudest moment is the most recent time I overcame some fear, which should have been today. I'm a better zombie than I was yesterday. I'm not better than you and you're not better than me. Let's strive to be better every day.