How has my confidence improved since 2019? I would say my biggest step toward overall confidence has been disobeying the prime directive and interacting with people that I once saw from a distance. I would say that if you’re shy, the best way to overcoming shyness is to interact with others, even if through an alternate account or anonymously entirely. That can build one’s resolve in regards to talking to others without fear while handling criticisms.
It’s about a half-year into 2020, so how did I do with my 2020 non-New Years Resolutions? Objectively, I failed. Subjectively, I’m still on course, it’s just taking a few months longer than I thought, and leading me down some roads I wasn’t anticipating. I’ve been able to work through them as best I can and even being as optimistic as I can, there are still ways I can improve myself and my working process going forward.
I used to write more frequently about assessing the evolution of my writing processes. Whether that was the actual writing process itself or the production involved with the conception to publication of these essays. I haven’t done so lately, admittedly, because I haven’t given myself time to look back at where I’ve been. The tool I wish I would have added sooner was my writing calendar, “Betcal.” Here’s why and how I wrote this essay.
Although player-versus-player is the primary playstyle of ENDLESS WAR, a Discord MUD, there are more ways to play as reflected by the in-game leaderboard. I’m disinterested in provocating hatred toward me, even in something like a PVP MUD, because many people take being killed – the core gameplay mechanic and premise – surprisingly seriously. When I’m killed, whatever, right? Can we take that same mentality of life? That there are more ways to play and become successful?
There won’t be a dirty joke here. Instead, I want to argue that if you maintain a sensitive area for yourself, where you can let your guard down and be vulnerable, you can go out into the rest of the world with your shields up and weapon ready to do as you please. This can be a physical location or it can be somewhere mental. I won’t tell you mine, but I’ll tell you others’s.
Early into FF7, casual Barret and formal Red XIII, play off each other with linguistic differences. This is a common trope in fiction. The writing process is easier when ‘sum-one dat tawlks all diff’rent’ ‘than another, more formal, individual’ interact. Overt examples like this tend to be common in fiction or some tangentially literate videogames, but this applies to ourselves as well. What if we write more formally than others in online communities we join?
What’s my motivation for playing Pokémon LeafGreen when I know the final step is putting it away? I’m not interested in mastering the game. During this session, I realized that I was seeking unambiguous solutions to the infinitely complex problems of life. When my Geodude fights against Geodudes he can use Magnitude and versus Zubats he can use Rock Throw or Tackle. When I encounter multitudinous situations in life, there isn’t as clear a path…
After ENDLESS WAR returned from its “dream” – where we played an earlier, less intricate version – the full gameplay mechanics of the Discord MUD impressed me enough to draw my updated “RFCKsona.” Admittedly, I spent too much time drawing it, and the rifle looks weird, but I captured an exciting moment for me in this drawing, and through writing this essay, I can share that experience with others, and I think I’ll start drawing more again.
“i’m about to pull a zombiepaper, speak in full sentences” It feels weird when your reputation precedes you, because you imagine you want to uphold a certain quality or standard, but then the thing about ego, following the Prime Directive, or anything else I’ve written about on-topic, is that it’s all a ruse. Who cares? I care what people think only because I don’t want to be seen negatively, but others don’t mind; should I?
I’ve met many partially-famous people over the years, but I stopped being impressed by people after realizing how much of a performance most people put on. They pretend to be suave when they’re scared and we believe it since we can’t see how they’re scared. I respect people that create things I’ve liked for years. What happens, then, when I shifted past being a fan to start interacting with them, therefore, disobeying the prime directive?