The headache felt like a heartbeat with some engine pangs. I’m not sure that the minor hike there and back caused it, because I felt fine up until I went to row. That’s where the knocking sensations came in, during the first minute of my set, no less. After that, things called down, then I woke up with a tension headache. It could’ve been the dry weather, or maybe something worse? I don’t yet know.
I learned my most effective cure for migraines when I was a child. The sensations of gently pressing my closed eyelids then letting the kaleidoscopic effects shuffle through geometric shapes seemed like early experiences tripping until a few hours before writing this. Stuck at work, stuck with a migraine, stuck with no other relief, I stuck my fingers on my eyelids, and though the migraine didn’t go away, its tensions eased into a manageable pain.
Over the past week, I’ve been noticing flashes across my vision with increasing frequency, like cigarette burns, that then fade after a second. They’re the sort of sensation that I might see looking at a screen but also just focusing on something at the wrong time of day. There’s no real rhyme to it, but hopefully, there will be a reason for it that will be fixed soon, because I’m no smoker, especially with sight.
When I don’t have headaches, I feel like I have psychic powers, and might actually have them. When I do have headaches, everything just suffers. My thoughts get scrambled, my perception of reality distorts, my memory becomes unreliable or distant, and everything just becomes a wash. It frustrates me that I can’t figure out how to fix these headaches, because it seems to be an insignificant issue for my current healthcare providers, except for billing.
There’s an old networking joke that goes “it’s never a networking issue,” because “Yeah if we have to reboot the router to fix the problem, the issue isn’t with the network, it’s with the end device or the software lol.” In life, it’s all about what you call it, and whether it’s a networking issue, a sobriety issue, a headache issue, or anything, once you have the correct name for it, you can defeat it.
I once knew how it was like to feel healthy. I once knew how it was like to wake up and not be inflicted with invisible pains far beyond my comprehension. In those days, I took for granted this health of mine, and didn’t take care of myself as well as I could have. Now that when I wake up, I either feel terrible or worse, it’s hard to stay motivated to do anything productive.
Whenever I’ve felt at my worst, psychologically rather than physically, I’ve found that talking to others has usually helped out, even if what we talk about doesn’t directly imply any of those hidden hurdles I’m jumping through. We could be having a polite chat about 10,000 ninja fighting a backhoe, and the subtleties of the interaction could distract, inform, or guide whatever subconscious malaise is causing me to not feel well enough to be my best.
When I’m feeling the worst of my sobrieties being tested, either directly through temptations or indirectly through headaches of sensations unfathomable, what I’ve done most to overcome anything regrettable is focusing all of my energy into something – almost anything. Whether that’s writing, art, or talking to others, I’ve found that if I can focus on something for long enough, the worst of those internal waves trying to knock me down will fade for a while.
There’s a pain behind my right eye that won’t go away. It feels like pressure and prevents me from focusing. This is one of many invisible pains that don’t seem to go away, and just linger around long enough to appear gone, then return like a crash. Years ago, I never got headaches. I read an email from someone saying they needed to stay home because of a headache and ignorantly thought it wasn’t bad.
The worst thing about these headaches is that they kill any motivation for me to want to do better with my life. Headaches, for me, are like speed limit signs on the highways of life where the cops and narcs of life decided an arbitrary speed limit for living. Sometimes that’s good. We don’t want fools speeding. However, even when I’m doing nothing mentally or physically strenuous, I’ll be pulled over on that mental highway…