I’ve found solace in the tragedies of some media. I know that’s an almost trivial statement, since tragedies are created and performed either to help us cope with broad realities or specific situations, but it’s true. I’ve known many of the plot beats of FF7 for over twenty years now, but going back through them even now is just as visceral. When we’re told about certain events, Tifa does state the obvious: “That’s so terrible!”
In my dream this morning, I was free from pain. It was great. I awoke to enough back pain to make the rest of the day miserable. I’m sure there will be moments that will be nice throughout the day, or even good, but starting the day off this bad, as I have for this many weeks or months now, is sure to drag down my overall appreciation for other things in life even further.
I woke up this morning to pain that was, relative to my current subjective norms I suppose, a 4/10. Yesterday, it was a 9/10. I had plans yesterday. I wanted to go do stuff. I couldn’t. How could I? I was in too much pain to do anything, or want to do anything. Nothing is pleasurable in that condition. I won’t get any relief from this pain for at least a week; the Compassionate American Healthcare System.
I think there are two sides to this problem I’m fighting. There’s the increased pain and decreased physicality. They may be interlocked in certain ways, where, normally, I could recover quickly. If I were to row a difficult set, I might be sore for a few minutes or hours, but now, if I were to walk around a grocery store, I could be sore for days. Reduce the pain and the decreased physicality’s still there.
Sometimes, stories are noteworthy because of how their finales have shocking or otherwise revelatory conclusions. Through 25 sessions, split over 2 parts, assessing 2 parts of my spine, I’ve fixed many significant postural issues related to my upper back, neck, but not the significant ones related to my lower back, causing my current health issues. I don’t know what will happen next. I suppose the physical therapist will coordinate additional help with the pain specialist. I’m currently untreated.
Part of me feels spoiled for thinking about how unfortunate it is that when I wash my hands and try to move my legs at a certain angle, it doesn’t feel right, because I swung too far. I am too impatient with myself. Throughout this process, I’ve tried to develop the patience of understanding that, yes, my sides hurt, sometimes within reason and sometimes unreasonably. Am I spoiled for wanting to have a pain-free day?
Before I wrote this essay, my spine made three sound effects. A more audible crack followed by two quieter pops. They did not hurt. Just before I went to sit down to write, my spine snapped in a way that did hurt. These sorts of hurts are the sorts where I find it best to sit, idly, for over 30 minutes, before I try to move. Sometimes my spine recalibrates, other times, it rests just enough…
One of the most dangerous things for my spinal condition, whatever it might be and however it affects me, is taking a hot bath then going to sleep in my bed. It’s fine if I sleep in a float tank. In fact, were it not for current events, I’d be going more often. Unfortunately, because I can’t, it’s a tough juggling act because if I don’t hot bathe correctly, my spine hurts excessively for days.
While waiting for the ENDLESS WAR Bookclub to finish reading Picture of Dorian Gray, I’ve been reading more works by Oscar Wilde, including The Importance Of Being Earnest. While all the media I meander through, and all the experiences I have, won’t directly influence “The Story,” there were three thoughts I had from the first 15 pages of the play: first, I don’t like how tending to Mr. Bunbury is used as an excuse for skipping.
Spoilers?: Minor [loathesomeness of characters]
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I had planned for this essay building topics in “The Story” to be a two-parter, but I’d already explored the thoughts I wanted to explore there, and I had a negative thought from physical therapy. A few weeks ago, I had a new physical therapist that treated my therapy like some sort of extreme workout. I was in excruciating pain. How easy it is to let others take advantage of you, even if you’re careful.
Spoilers?: Minor [physical therapy meandries]
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