When I woke up a few hours ago, the pain I woke up to was worse than any nightmare I’ve experienced. It’s difficult for me to explain well, so throughout the rest of this essay, I’ll try to explain it as best I can, but I guess it would be a feeling where any movement worsens my spine pain, and the pain goes down my left leg, and infects me fully with feeling hopelessly hurt.
Over the past few days, I struggled against my health, thinking I was lazy by not writing two or more essays daily. I have to now admit to myself that my health is poor enough to where I won’t be able to write at that pace until things get better. I’ll now publish at 11am daily until my health improves, instead of my former publication schedule of essays or other things at 7am and 7pm.
I would almost say I don’t get writer’s block. Instead, I just don’t have the energy to write. Today I was sick through most of the day, in bed because of spinal pain, and when I wasn’t in bed, I was sitting here, trying to distract myself sufficiently to avoid too much spine pain. If it weren’t for that pain, I would have had much more to write about as I had some writing planned.
I couldn’t help but think of the song “Walk Like A Zombie” by HorrorPops as I walked away from my MRI yesterday. In zombie movies, there is a distinct throughline between the old school movies where zombies are a psychological threat and new school movies where they’re a ridiculous- oh wait, they’re not all ridiculous. It’s just the notion that these possessed creatures could sprint is a silly thought; they should be named something else…
The effects of my 21st-to-last Oxycodone are starting to kick in. I have to be conservative with these post-surgery painkillers because I don’t know when – or if – I’ll get permanent pain relief or if I’ll get any additional painkillers. I must wait until the pain is an emergency situation or if I need to go outside. I had the MRI done of my lower back today and I’m glad I waited through days of pain.
I started off yesterday with 35 emails and now I am down to 15 in my inbox. My personal inbox is a sort of to-do list of the various digital errands I must do. Clearing out the 20 least important items may not seem like such a big deal, but given a spinal problem that prevents me from reliably being able to work or almost anything, really, it’s important for me to clean things done or nearly done.
I woke up today and thought to myself, ‘hey, I don’t feel terrible, I should probably go bathe for the first time in over a week.’ Now, that was a big mistake on my part, because I’m feeling awful now. I barely have the energy to write this essay, let alone tackle any of the tasks that are piling up over my head and suffocating my consciousness. Bills to call about or pay… Must… rest…
A few hours ago, I woke up from a dream where I found myself slammed against a bathtub face down. I could barely breathe in the dream and in real life. I’m not sure why that happened but it’s been a recurring theme of my general physicality after my spine surgery. After doing two physical examinations with two doctors, my health declined significantly and severely. Now anything could make me sore outside of doing nothing.
I have 21 remaining 10mg Oxycodone pills from after my spine surgery to last me over 19 days before I meet with my new spine doctor again after his analyses. In some ways, this feels promising; I could theoretically take one pill per day to manage my pain symptoms and still have two remaining pills. I implied one fundamental assumption so far, which if you’re just tuning in to this long-running series, might be easy to miss.
As much as I’d like to believe that healthcare is objective work, where you’d generally get the same advice or treatment from any doctor, the more I’ve been tripping through the American Healthcare System, the more I have to set aside that sort of idyllic consideration and return to my memories of working in Healthcare IT for four years, where some of my customers were doctors, and realizing that doctors and doctoring is subjective work.