“It’s the Kajas Talk Show with special guest: The Orthographimancer!” The camera panned over the bustling audience, all wearing glowing green control collars, to the gray stage. Between a slightly crazed host sitting behind a keyboard-esque desk on one side, and two security guards standing on the other, sat a woman in a little dress of red leather confident in her domination of the world. “S-so, The Kapital wants to know; why’d you do it?”
“It’s simple, babe.” She seductively crossed her legs and continued:
“The world was poisoned by technology. The naïve quickly adopted computers and smartphones without realizing how the drawbacks would impact their physical and mental health. We saw sudden spikes in cardiovascular issues, cognitive impairments like limited concentration, as well as addictive behavior never before recorded outside of abused medical substances.
The erudite observed plethoric societal degradations.
We, the greatest living minds keeping our prestigious disciplines from mental bankruptcy, met to plan. Most lounged in comfort, lazily lamenting over the declines of their fields. Their lethargy disgusted me! How could they betray their disciplines? How could they unsympathetically disregard efforts required for the wellbeing of the world?”
Kajas dared not interrupt this obsessive monologue.
“My plan was simple. I established linguistics schools globally to stimulate cultural appreciation of languages. I opened these schools to any student willing to donate their toxic technology, though we instantly discovered these intended intellectual institutions instead hosted technojunkie addicts we could not properly treat. They were zombies to technology.
I quietly collaborated with rebellious scientists over potential solutions.
To appease my anxiety over this aggressive apocalypticism, I dove into my orthographic passions. There is beauty beyond my own in the perfect precision of correct language. I derive pleasure purely from the grammatical climax of a sentence. A properly inserted semicolon melts my heart more than the cutest puppy.
I was promoting progress and changing the world with my class.
My students would enter the class ignorant of when to hyphenate words! Through rigorous examinations of their orthographical deviations, I would systematically redeem the linguistic abilities of each of these poor souls, and I achieved staggering results. My students would teach other students. There was one exception. This awful student!
How can you not know how to properly hyphenate Hi-Kew?!
These Hi-Kew power-ups are ubiquitous! The blatant blasphemy of this student stunned me! I couldn’t believe this technojunkie zombie had advanced so far in my coursework and yet did not know when to hyphenate these well-advertised products! That was it! I called my disenfranchised scientists, exclaiming: ‘execute the EXCITING EXECUTION!’
After the execution, the word “Hi-Kew” floated above the student.
The original intent was shaming students by permanently displaying their previous orthographic deviation above their heads. I developed a modification to permanently resolve these problems! The students were stunned when I pulled out this very keyboard gun, then typed the word “Hi-Kew,” since you know what happens next, right, babe?”
She flicked ash from her cigarette directly into the couch and continued.
[Last Edited: June 23rd, 2019]