I’m starting the process of renewing my lease in the apartment-mansion for what will end on Year 3. I wrote last year, perhaps not succinctly, that I had wanted to plan on moving out by this time. Instead, my health has delayed many of my life’s plans. I can’t really expect much throughout 2021, but if I could write about some broad plans, I’ve narrowed them down to four: “Health,” “Downsizing,” “Balancing,” and then “Writing Fiction Frequently.”
The most obvious is getting my health back in order.
I wake up in such terrible pain each day that I find that the least painful way to get through the day is meandering through media at my computer. I have a constant tailbone pain when I sit here, but the pain is worse when I walk, and half the time when I am in bed the pain spreads throughout my body to such an overwhelming degree that I think I don’t so much fall asleep as pass out from enduring the pain. If I can’t get over this, I can’t plan for the future. That’s not really a depressive sort of statement, either.
I can’t make any substantive plans when my health is so poor.
Let’s say that I become what I’ve been saying is “the luckiest human being to have ever lived” and recover my health. I mean that mainly sarcastically because to have that sort of luck necessitates a level of concern from healthcare providers that would seem obvious, but has not really been my experience, but let’s just say that I get better. Well, I would like to do as much as I can to clear out my apartment of all the stuff that would make moving out of this place before reaching my fourth year here difficult. I own many items that I can donate without much issue – two boxes have sat in my truck for over a month, in fact – but I just need to summon the health and energy to donate them.
I have many more objects that can go, too, without any regrets or moral obligations.
They aren’t bad objects by any means, but, if I’m honest with myself, I have no need to play videogames on original hardware for most consoles when emulation will do. Sure, that gets into the sorts of legal hurdles that videogame companies like to flaunt, but is it more legal for me to buy a used videogame from a used videogame store than to emulate it? That purchase didn’t go to the videogame company, it went to the store I purchased it from. It would make me happier to stream legally, and there are many games in my Steam library that I wouldn’t mind playing, but the problem is balancing the vocational work I’ll return to once my health returns with the avocational writing I want to spend my time doing with the recreational time I need to have for my own well-being.
I’ll figure out how to balance that time better in 2021.
I used to track my calendar with two colors. Gray calendar entries were obligations and Green calendar entries were things that would help me write. Gray was vocational and Green was avocational. I made little guilt-free time for myself for recreational time. I don’t think that’s what did my health in. My spine declined the way it did in April because of poor work-from-home ergonomics forced on me by my employer as a knee-jerk, no plan reaction to COVID. I will never have 100% of my health back again. I will never experience an innocent physical exercise set again. Each time I row, every walk, and anytime I do anything more physical than walking to the toilet and back will require some degree of forethought and consideration.
I’m fine with being forced into that level of disability.
Having been on long-term disability for as long as I have, life has gone much slower for me now than it did before. I also have far less tolerance for bullshit. If I only have a few hours each day where I don’t feel pain far worse than anything I’ve ever experienced in my entire life, and if that pain threshold keeps demanding more of me each day, well, I’m not going to spend that time doing stupid bullshit in videogames or movies. Why? Why listen to the entirety of a mediocre album if you already disliked it? Why hold onto items in your life that don’t help you feel at least a little happiness through the grim realities of having a spine that refuses to do anything other than cause you the most violent pains you’ve ever experienced in your entire life?
Once all those items are filtered out, I’ll have more time for the nice things in life.
I would like to spend that time to write more fiction, and now that I know both my writing pace for fiction and my abilities, I won’t hold myself to a certain timeframe like NaNoWriMo or anything like that. I’ll probably have a general project scope, but I won’t demand myself to write at a certain pace, outside of writing to a minimum word count in either fiction or essays. My health will never be so predictable for me again that I could do something like writing a 60,000-word novel in one month unless I had all of that time off and my health were at the 40% or 60% of my 100% from mid-2018 and early-2019 I could only hope to achieve throughout the year.
Even these plans feel overly-ambitious and destined to fail.
Again, that’s not depression talking. I know how depression feels. This is a general understanding that my health will never be 100%. I’ve talked to enough people that have called themselves doctors with a straight face to know that a majority of them don’t give a shit about me. Their clinical notes confirm it.
So if I want to make 2021 the best I can, it will be through my own efforts.
|Sources: My personal experiences.|
|Inspirations: Just casually writing my plans for 2021.|
|Related: Other Media Meandry essays. This was the easiest essay template to use, so don’t mind it.|
|Picture: This was going to be a bigger thing than it turned out to be, so I used it in this essay so I didn’t waste it.|
|Written On: 2020 December 28 [2:37pm to 3pm]|
|Last Edited: 2020 December 28 [First draft; final draft for the Internet.]|