I could be significantly embarrassed by this stream, but instead, I’ll embrace its many flaws. The gameplay of the new Super Bomberman R Online is more of a slideshow than gameplay, there are difficult discussions, and, I don’t think I was striding at my best pace on this one. But! That’s one side of it. The other side of it is that I was able to play the game, have fun with friends, and more.
What are negatives but uncomfortable variations of your perspectives?
I’ve been in many arguments over the years where I haven’t been given the benefit of the doubt or the ability to explain myself. That’s uncomfortable. If only I could speak my perspective, right? The thing I’ve been learning, as I showed at length during this livestream with a few examples, was how easy it is to get worked up over things outside of my control instead of trying to work on what I can control. I gave the example about my neighbors slamming their door frequently and got some good brainstorming time in, which only happened after I wrote more than two 1000-word essays basically about diffusing my own anger over the situation.
Talking about it during this stream was an important way to try new solutions.
I didn’t directly say this about the tweet-chain I brought up as an example of contention, but, that I was shadow-banned/shadow-blocked [this makes me unfollow them but shows no evidence that this happened – so I refollowed them] by the person that I argued against shows some degree of guilt from them. Why would they care if they felt they were 100% in the right by advertising unrelated products in what was otherwise an account with quotes from Nirvana’s Cobain? I diffused my own anger, along with my friends giving examples from their perspectives, by basically calling myself a nerd for worrying so much about some silly fandom perspective. If there were a crime committed, then it wasn’t my battle to fight, but having thrown a few punches in that general direction was good enough for me.
My major insecurity was some jokes being taken out of context.
I had trouble phrasing this simply on the first attempt, so here it is on a second attempt: I failed to explain the premise of a joke related to a character well, which led to ambiguity over my intentions. It’s embarrassing to think about that, even after spending much of the remainder of the livestream walking through my thoughts on that, but then I think about all the other times I’ve embarrassed myself live. You can listen through hours of me making mistakes or embarrassing myself, and, if I can give myself credit here, I think I do what I can to address the embarrassments that are shortcomings on my part and work toward correcting them.
If they’re embarrassments in other areas, well, those are idle speculations.
I think that’s where insecurities get the worst – when it feels like there’s something wrong, but there’s no answer on what was wrong. I was told my joke was uncool immediately and I was given the time to explain what was going on. That’s much better than hearing about it weeks or years later, or even worse, never hearing about it at all. …I wonder now, as I reflect on all of this hours later, well, as I said during the livestream, I imagine there will be more events like this in the future. Not out of my moral shortcomings, exactly – I’m involved, so if there is a conflict, I’m responsible, even if it’s only 1% responsible – but because I’ll be talking to more and more people over wider and wider topics.
What is offensive to one person or community is fine to another.
These thoughts will be important for me to navigate through as I continue doing what I’m doing, both in writing and livestreaming, since the two serve each other in more ways than one. I write essays about each livestream, sure, but the essays allow me the decompression time to consider things like “how can I work toward being clearer or less controversial in certain topics?” I made a joke a few livestreams ago that, after I said it, kinda made me think “wow, that kinda was a bit weird and off-brand” but no one noticed or seemed offended by it, so I’m glad I was called out by someone that was willing to listen to me.
Imagine what happens when I’m not given the benefit of time to explain myself?
I’ve brought this up a few times indirectly, but that’s why I don’t believe in anyone being “canceled” – as is popular in American culture now. If there is someone with a contentious opinion, let’s say me, then they should be given the benefit of being able to express their opinions, no matter how long those opinions might go, right? That’s what I’d want for myself, so if so, then others should be given that same courtesy. I’ve talked about others that I disrespect before in writing and during livestreams, but, there is a balance between hearing out the offender’s opinion, the offended[s]’s opinion[s], and then deciding for one’s self, right?
If there’s a topic I don’t want to deal with, I might be less forgiving.
I suppose it comes down to “what is the justification of the crime?” If the offender presents an off-brand joke, then the offender should be allowed their time to justify their perspective and that justification might only be minimal for the brand’s continued good standing. If the offense is something worse, then does that mean the offender gets more time to justify their perspective? Maybe. These are difficult questions of morality, as they relate to areas of empathy, forgiveness, and the willingness to be uncomfortable. What I would say is, though, that I find it’s better to challenge one’s self outside their comfort zone than not.
Without stepping outside my comfort zone, this livestream wouldn’t have happened.
|Sources: My personal experiences.|
|Inspirations: I enjoy how this space is public enough to where I can write to the public but obscure enough to where I can workshop these ideas without worrying about them being taken completely out of context.|
|Related: Other Media Meandry essays.|
|Screenshot: From the livestream.|
|Written On: 2021 June 03 [11:02pm to 11:32pm]|
|Last Edited: 2021 June 03 [First draft; final draft for the Internet.]|