I left Endless War. I suppose normally I wouldn’t write about leaving communities or anything of this nature, but because I had written so much over the past few months about the community, and it had helped develop certain artistic talents, I should at least wrap up this section of my life with an essay. My essay “Princeps Drafts Two-Part-One” was my debating whether or not I should leave. Though I’m sad, I feel OK.
I feel saddest about leaving some friends and acquaintances behind.
The problem had been that there was bullying behavior that would not stop, even after I talked with some of the people involved with managing the community. As much as I can change my own perception and attitude in the situation, there comes a time when if you deal with toxicity, even if it’s not directly aimed at you, you have to wonder if it’s worth dealing with as a whole. So, yes, although there is a rich tapestry of culture from which to feel inspired to draw art about, if there is a continual layer of people acting rude – whether they are light teasings from friends of more from strangers – then you have to wonder if it’s worth hanging out.
I deliberated on whether I should leave for a few days.
Leaving would mean never finishing certain stories. I would never write the “Battle For Downtown” as I had once intended. It was a story that had happened where me and a friend of mine had tried to defend downtown against two other members of an opposing faction. We tried but failed. Through that process, I died and revived about 26 times. I will also never write about the failed slimeoid that I received as a gift from someone. Nor will I ever write or draw about any of the other experiences I have had or will have from any of the other positive experiences I’ve had from the game. Unfortunately, the negativity from certain unnamed players outweighed the positivity from the remaining positivity from the rest of the player base.
It seems like a terrible thing to let happen.
Negativity shouldn’t win in any situation, and yet, here we are. I didn’t have the energy to combat the negativity when I could have in a few situations where maybe I could have better fought it. Maybe if I had, then maybe I could have swung the tides more in favor of positivity. But I think that negativity is already the way that it will be, not just in this game, but I suppose in life as well. I think in life we like it when things are nice, but bad things wouldn’t happen if we were overall not OK with it. But because there are people that like to prey on the innocent, like to enjoy seeing the innocent suffer, and don’t mind kicking people when they’re down, then we see crimes committed against victims and nothing really done to stop it.
I think this game is an analogy for life.
Although a large majority of players are nice and appreciated what I brought to the game, there were enough players that maybe didn’t, maybe didn’t like that I was getting to be too good at the gameplay aspect or maybe too good at the art, or maybe too good at both, that they wanted to knock me down a few pegs? Or maybe it wasn’t that at all? Maybe it was just part of the game’s DNA that everyone is equally taken down? To those who had reached out, it was nice, but it felt tiring as well. I felt like I just wanted to be left alone for a while.
I quit and left, what more was there?
Some had expressed that I should write my thoughts to one of the community leaders so that they might know why I left to maybe make some changes. I reluctantly did. I don’t think it will have made much of a difference. I’ve seen too many people come and go, so rather than conclude on this note, why don’t I broaden the scope and say that in any situation you’re in, I think it’s good to leave if you don’t feel comfortable. If you feel like you’re a Square Person living in a Circular World and you’re found yourself in a Circular Community, keep looking until you find a Square Community. If that community turns out to be a Circular Community, it’s OK to leave.
You don’t have to stay just because of some pre-established obligations.
Life is difficult enough when you’re someone that’s an outsider. When you never quite fit in, but you’re friendly enough, you can fit into most any community, but it’ll be difficult to feel comfortable in that community. It’s a shame, too, because when most people are nice, but there are a few people that are rude, those rude people – regardless of the community – always drown out the nice people and it’s nearly impossible to get those rude people out of communities unless you’ve built up that community. Another aspect to that as well is that when we go to communities like work or church, those are always based around aspects where we have to give into higher powers than ourselves, so we can never truly be ourselves. We might feel like we are still Squares in Square Communities, but that’s only because we’ve given over our innate Squareness to these communities and have taken on their shapes, whether it’s a circle, triangle, or rhombus.
To find our own Square Community takes time.
If anything, it might be my own fault for having put too much of myself into this community. I should have considered it a fun game to try on occasion. Maybe something to play casually? Maybe something to draw occasionally? But dipping my toes too deeply is my own fault and my own hubris.
It would be nice if future players had nicer experiences than me.
|Sources: My personal and professional experiences.|
|Inspirations: Thinking about life and such.|
|Related: Other Media Meandry essays.|
|Pictures: Full shots of pictures: Downtown picture, ID1, ID2, ID3, ID4, ID5, a movie poster, and all of the drafts I mentioned in that previous essay.|
|Written On: 2020 August 19 [5:32am to 6:08am]|
|Last Edited: 2020 August 19 [First draft; final draft for the Internet.]|