To write this essay, I have over twelve tabs open, and throughout writing this essay, I might open a few more tabs. I can close one now. The others touch on this whole situation I’m in. I’m on medical leave because of some intense spinal issues that are getting more painful by the day, but there are moments and hours that I can enjoy. I’m trying to take those moments to take time for myself…
Unlike long-form RPG FF7, I can jump into A Short Hike, fly around, save, and return later. I had thought about playing for just one intense session but the more I learn about myself, the more I learn that those approaches to media and to life don’t work for me. While I appreciate having deeper meandries through media, like watching something like Holy Mountain, sometimes it’s OK just hanging out with ENDLESS WAR friends and laughing at the absurdity of the Super Mario Brothers movie. I had some apprehension about desecrating those childhood memories, per se, with these adult friends of mine, but we laughed, we had fun, and it was a worthwhile experience.
They wanted to watch WarGames but I passed.
There were some technical issues on their side, and my spine was giving me some issues, plus, I was more interested in writing. I was thinking about how I need to learn to use media to my advantage to recuperate. It’s good to jump into a videogame or watch a movie to unwind, but not spend an entire day or lifetime. The way I look at it, as I recover my health, I can give myself more time and forgiveness to meander more. Footless Jo talked about something similar. Now that she’s done with health problems, how can she deal with a normal life?
It’s a tough question, and my answer will be balancing work and play.
When I return back to good health from this extended break, I’ll assess each day with multiple media I want to meander through. There are games for different moods: story-based games like FF7 for calmer days, platformers for maybe more immersive experiences, and ENDLESS WAR for myriad dynamics – social or otherwise. I have been watching more interactive livestreams, opposed to pre-edited videos, and there are movies. I don’t think it’s that “I don’t have the time for reading novels” like Picture Of Dorian Gray; more a combination of having enough of a physical constitution to concentrate on something long enough to read, or giving the utmost respect to what I’m reading, rather than just reading to soak in what I’m reading.
I’m not reading this novel to study it in its entirety.
It’s alright for me to meander through most of these media just to take a break. What isn’t OK is if I spend hours of potentially productive energy meandering through media, and what I mean by that is that right now, my spine is hurting, but it’s not in too bad of shape. My head is hurting but it’s manageable. I had just enough energy to tear away from watching another movie to return to something I’d rather do – write – and occasionally switch over to other tabs to do other things. I should have enough energy tonight to write one more thing, and if I’m super lucky, I might even be able to play a little FF7.
If not, I can defer almost all of that until tomorrow.
Part of this whole forgiveness thing I’m learning in regards to myself is figuring out the pace I can work and play. After I started writing to the degree I did to write as many essays as I have, I stopped playing, in the sense of letting my mind rest. I stopped jumping into movies halfway through, like that movie from before, or popping into a videogame for a few minutes. For the past few years, I’ve been objective-driven, which is good, but only to a certain extent. Some objectives are good, but if they can burn you out, then that’s no good.
I’ve been feeling fairly sick today, so I haven’t been pushing myself to write too much.
I have been wanting to get out to throw out some trash, walk around, and maybe even drive around. Maybe I’ll do that tomorrow? Ouch- My eyes just burned with a particular sort of feeling that I get sometimes where I have to ride out the pain for a while, so, if it’s anything like how I woke up this morning, how I felt throughout most of the day except for the past few hours up until I started writing, I guess, which might be where I started to do more than just passively consume media, then no, I won’t be able to do much more than leaving my apartment, walk around a little, and maybe drive.
Ugh, I don’t like this feeling, but I have to make sure to give myself a break.
There’s not much I can do but just finish this essay and clear off the rest of my plate. I don’t have the energy to do much more writing or do much more exciting activities, so, if this were the end of a work shift, I would probably clean up, prepare for bed, and go to sleep. What I had learned to do was, when I am at this level of fatigue, is rather than to push myself, to get myself ready for bed. If I wake up early, that’s how I make up my free time. I’ll write before going to work, then get all my energy beaten out of me, so that way when I get home, I can go to bed, exhausted, rather than try to salvage the rest of the day. I should treat today the same way. I’ve been working as hard as I can today to recover my health.
That is my current occupation, perhaps…
|Sources: My personal [and professional?] experiences.|
|Inspirations: When I play games, I try to grab screenshots to use for pictures like this.|
|Related: Other Media Meandry essays. Sober Living essays and Tripping On [The American Healthcare System] chapters.|
|Screenshot: A Short Hike|
|Written On: 2020 June 27 [9:32pm to 10:07pm]|
|Last Edited: 2020 June 27 [First draft; final draft for the Internet.]|