[Novel 02] Discordance Among Plans

I did this recording offline because I needed to work through thoughts in my mind. My health is getting worse and it seems like no matter what I try, nothing seems to help. When I yell into the void for help, to help me write “The Story” or regain my health, it’s silence. I used what energy I had today to build on “Novel 01” and “Novel 02” ideas, and I thought the result looked like this:

Spoilers?: Minor [work going forward]

Instead, I recorded this for 4+ hours:

There’s no way for me to recover the video but I did a quick video summary.

It’s life’s way of continuing to kick my ass, I guess, since I’ve been having terrible luck all the way around. During the video, I built out the sewers – it’s really turned into a legitimate workplace, complete with two offices next to the breakroom – which is where I will probably go to build more things as I need to work through negative thoughts in life. I’ll do those builds primarily offline because there’s no real need for me to dredge through the negativity of my life’s experiences in a livestreamed environment in front of an audience.

I don’t know how much of a balance I’ll have between writing and talking going forward.

As much as I enjoy writing, I also can’t do this sort of writing as much as I once could. My health has gotten to a point where it’s impossible for me to do much of anything anymore. I had a physical therapy appointment today where I parked about 500 feet from the office and that took nearly one hour each way for me to walk at my zombie-like pace. I was in so much pain when I got there that we could barely do any exercises or anything other than put a heat-pack on my back as it calmed down enough for me to not be overwhelmed by pain.

How long before “500” feet becomes “100” or “50” feet?

So I worked through all of these thoughts as I carved out the breakroom and some offices of the legally-distinct sewers, which is what I’ll continue to build out as I need to work through negative thoughts while doing something productive in the future. As much as I want to continue writing, I suppose pragmatically, it doesn’t make sense for me to dump as much effort into writing as it does livestreaming if I can livestream for potential profit. Especially as I am closely approaching one year since I last was able to work. I can’t do much but if I can do something to make some kind of money, once my long-term disability slows down or stops as they’ve been as unclear as possible toward helping me out, well, I’d be completely fucked without any chance to work at all, so, hey, at least it’d be something.

I don’t know what my future holds.

As I built those sewers out, I talked about how my health is getting to a point now where I can’t do much of the same things I could even a month ago. How long will it be before I can only spend a majority of my day in bed wishing for sleep and dreams so I won’t experience the sort of daily pain that no doctor seems interested in practicing basic human empathy in fixing. I asked these sort of big questions in what turned out to be an incidental podcast. It would have been nice for me to know that OBS had failed to pick up the Minecraft video feed and wasn’t recording. I probably should have noticed at some points, but, I was too focused on building.

At least I built out the Discord servers in Zeal.

I have two Discords – one as a more general hangout spot and the other as a more dedicated writing spot – so I built those rooms to reflect that. I used blue and white to imply Discord’s logo’s colors and wrote the URLs for both using creative adaptations of my typeface. I’m happy enough with the results, and wanted to furnish the spaces more, but I also was starting to feel the worst of my spine’s pains. Will those pains subside in my next video or will I have to suffer through increasingly more pain until my body is no longer able to tolerate the pain?

If I should be so lucky, then I would like to continue building out this map.

I would need to become the luckiest human being in all of humanity to find doctors that are willing to help me, but if that is the case, then this fourth-wall-breaking space of Zeal is turning out to be a really nice set for the Novella. “Novella 01.5” will take place between “Novel 01” and “Novel 02” and will see Sammohini transported to Zeal as a fictionalized version of myself interviews her, after giving her a guided tour of Zeal. Everywhere from the visitor’s area, where I may place a block in-game matching up with the time I write the novella, to the Discord rooms, the diorama, and then the conference room to have a chat.

If my health is ever restored to some degree of normalcy, I’ll write this all.

If not, and I find myself decreasingly able to do much of anything, when I reach that threshold point where I can no longer do much of anything at all, then I might have to scrap my writing plans entirely and then just lean into telling these stories within Minecraft – assuming I’ve had the energy to build these set-pieces by then. I don’t know. Life has really seemed to be doing everything it can to kick my ass. I have far less energy now in January than I did in December. By this essay’s publication, I imagine I’ll have far less energy than I do now. I don’t know what the future holds for me.

Having any chance to write “The Story” seems almost imperceivable sometimes.

Quotes: None.
Sources: The Story’s Imaginarium.
Inspirations: I just wanted to have a successful recording, but I guess you can watch both videos for that.
Related: Essays helping buildNovel 02.” This novel is formally called “A Story About Self-Confidence: Something About Anxiety,” and is a sequel to “Novel 01,” which is part of the Sammohini Arc of “The Story.”
Pictures: I didn’t want to tweet out more of my failures, but I did upload them to the “The Story” Discord.
Written On: 2021 January 08 [10:19pm to 10:43pm]
Last Edited: 2021 January 08 [First draft; final draft for the Internet.]
My big goal is writing. My most important goal is writing "The Story." All other goals should work toward that central goal. My proudest moment is the most recent time I overcame some fear, which should have been today. I'm a better zombie than I was yesterday. I'm not better than you and you're not better than me. Let's strive to be better every day.