On days like today, I didn’t make much outward progress toward writing “The Story,” “Novel 02” or the novella that I intend as my proof-of-concept for everything I’ve been working on over the past year. When I wrote “Novel 01,” I took the adage of “jump before you’re ready” because I thought “will I ever be truly ready?” With that under my belt, I can know when I am ready, and part of that is mobilizing interest.
Spoilers?: Minor [disability and ability]
I will probably be at least semi-disabled for life.
Whether my spine fully heals or not is still up in the air, and by this essay’s publication might be closer to a hearty resolution, but even if my spine never gives me a “bad spine day,” I won’t feel comfortable doing things like bending over to pick up things I’ve dropped casually again. There will always be some mindfulness involved, or, I risk the chance of reinjury. No matter how many doctors tell me otherwise, I will remain suspicious of any major movement through the months of back problems I’ve had to tolerate with barely any management.
Still, I’m going to try working within this framework.
Today’s time was mostly sucked up from having to deal with healthcare nonsense, so I couldn’t focus much time on my own nonsense, but as much as possible I like trying to keep social with people that I like, and if they support me, then it feels like a good balance, right? If I hang out in someone’s livestream, and they hang out in mine, and we both have a good time, is there a problem? As I continue to be ambitious with what I do, as I return to some degree of answer toward the question of what the hell is wrong with my spine, it’s been an exciting journey to meet people of varying types.
In this way, I’m mobilizing a group of people I can ask for help.
That help could range from things that I didn’t have in “Novel 01” like being able to ask people if certain passages seemed problematic to them, in whatever capacity it might be, to even having people interested in proofreading or editing my literature to a serious degree. I had received some help from friend-of-the-website JDCurry, but what if I wrote and edited live? That would be fun for me and cool for others to see the process. I think there is an inherent value to what I provide when I write or livestream, in that I’m able to roll around ideas and spit out coherent thoughts. People have asked me about things in their life and I feel like I’ve helped people out.
What if I could do that on a larger scale?
I am limited only by my own physical and mental mobility. Physically, if I will continue to live within a body that is physically disabled, the future doesn’t bode well for doing much physical work or labor, if necessary, but as long as I can remain responsible, I can juggle my priorities in life and exceed toward my goals. On a day like today, I allowed more leisure to take hold than maybe I should have, but I’ve been having a rough go with my physicality lately.
I thought of how the novella will start.
Specifically as it regards my representation, where, before, I was unsure whether or not I wanted to be represented by my Zombiepaperian avatar or a realistic version of myself. The compromise might be that “me” wearing a Zombiepaperian avatar on his shirt. Interesting. I am already thinking of “him” as different than “me” – the person writing this essay, building/imagining the world where “he” meets with Sammohini. Having the vessel of difference already makes this a unique situation. “He” is “me,” but not, because I will never exist fully within Zeal, the fourth-wall-breaking part of the world where I take real-life people on tours of sets in “The Story,” currently starting with EMAC-2.
And yet “I” am fully “him,” right?
“He” will be a version of myself that might branch off from the “me” that started livestreaming. Maybe “he” will be the sort of person that was the “me” that remains as I am today, rather than the version of “me” that will write the novella after sorting out all the health and downsizing things that needed to happen. I feel like I’m making progress toward that end, even if, on days like today, I don’t outwardly show much progress for one main reason: How much progress am I making in terms of brainstorming for “The Story?”
“Novel 02,” the novella, and livestreaming are all stepping stones toward “The Story.”
Today, I imagined how Trishna might go about her life prior to John moving in with her at the start of “The Scene” side of “The Story.” This imagination is somewhat based in reality, where I’ve had many experiences similar to this, I’ve talked with many people with similar experiences to this as well, but basically, her disability prevents her from doing all that much, and she has to be disciplined in her medication consumption or she experiences more debilitating pain than necessary. She gets by well enough, thanks to the help of her parents and Pollyanna, her service dog, but it’s not easy for her. Clearing out more of the weeds of these thoughts is significantly more important than any physical progress in writing.
Writing is the byproduct of the thinking process.
When I talk on stream, I might have some thoughts already in mind and other times I’ll just start winging it, like I do when I write. This could be a dangerous proposition, but it hasn’t failed me yet, even though I’ve heard myriad horror stories of others having to deal with problematic people. If I can develop my thick skin there, then I can write, livestream the process, have fun, and do so all to benefit others.
If it benefits me, too, that’s cool.
|Sources: The Story’s Imaginarium.|
|Inspirations: Mainly thinking about my disability and Trishna’s disability today.|
|Related: Essays helping build “Novel 02.” This novel is formally called “A Story About Self-Confidence: Something About Anxiety,” and is a sequel to “Novel 01,” which is part of the Sammohini Arc of “The Story.”|
|Written On: 2021 February 12 [10:04pm to 10:30pm]|
|Last Edited: 2021 February 12 [First draft; final draft for the Internet.]|