With my current health, I should celebrate life’s smaller victories. Doing bigger projects wipe me out faster now compared to doing, say, shorter streams or recordings – like this one, where we didn’t do much, but we made some progress. If that’s the pace I’ll need to work toward writing “The Story,” it’s not the pace I would normally work or the pace I wrote “Novel 01,” but if I write “Novel 02,” that’s overall what’s important, right?
Spoilers?: Minor [making small changes]
Less than one week ago, I could stream for 4+ hours without issue.
I’m not sure where the exact turn for the worse occurred, or why, but now I’m having a harder time. I think it’s partially because I’ve had to moderate my Oxycodone consumption because I still have to wait over a week to see my pain management doctor, and, since he has a short-temper, when I tell him that  I stopped going to physical therapy because it was hurting me more than it was helping me,  I don’t think the opioid-based medication is helping me since the most it does is numb the pain rather than cure the pain, and  I tell him that I have an appointment with two restoration function doctors that deal in pain management, he’ll probably get impatient with me and kick me to the curb.
So I have to be ready for waiting over one month to get long-term pain relief.
Who knows if that’s even going to help? So I have to do every single thing I possibly can to reduce my pain possibilities or triggers and increase my pain tolerance. So I have to deal with more uncomfortable pain, which means I’m back to taking naps during the day, as I did before my surgery. Hey, this is weird… So check this out… I had spine surgery in August 2020 to help my spine pain, right? But guess what. I have the exact same spine pain now as I did in August 2020, but I’m writing this in February 2021! Did the spine surgery help? Not directly. The only thing it did was give me a pain management prescription for Oxycodone.
Which hasn’t helped.
Just as that’s been my physical life, a series of just completely fucked up choices on behalf of doctors that I am trusting my care, and for lack of better phrasings – my life, well, I need to be patient with the progress in life and with building out my map. I haven’t streamed anything in Minecraft lately because I’ve been working on a larger digital art project that’s been fun and enjoyable but taking up hours of time. I like drawing my friends, but it’s also a long process, so I haven’t been able to do much of my regularly-scheduled, or rather irregularly-scheduled but “80%” map-building stuff.
I’m even planning to do a chill-out retro variety stream instead.
There’s still plenty to build, but I need to recalibrate my balances.
I can’t go for 4+ hour streams or sit for more than a few hours anymore. I can maybe do a 2-hour maximum stream. I have a timer bookmarked that I’ll use once I start the recording. That will be my way to moderate my physical and mental energy. In my most recent art stream, I recorded for 4 hours and 11 minutes, and although I had fun, I felt exhausted by the last 30-45 minutes. If I feel tired, but I can be functional the next day, then it’s not too bad, but I’ve been wiped out for days, so it’s not an effective strategy for me going forward, at least until I get the majority of my pain symptoms under control.
My life feels like it’s such a mess right now.
Everything feels so scattered. When I think about how I’m doing this, but I should be doing that, or could be doing something else, my mind can work itself into anxiety, but if I just keep my mind ahead onto the next goal, then I can keep some sense about me. I’m not sure what the future holds for me, for my writing, or anything I’m working on, but I imagine that at least for the next few months, I’ll need to practice more self-restraint when it comes to many tasks. If I’m too warm, I should take off my jacket before I overheat. If my brain is trying to process too much at once, I shouldn’t wait until the anxiety kicks in and my brain shuts parts of itself down to prevent damage before slowing down.
Maybe this is my spine’s way of teaching me to live at a slower pace?
It’s terrible in many ways because my current pace is not much faster than a snail, between my cane around the apartment-mansion and crutches out-and-about, without the ability to carry much of anything at all, so how can I do much of anything anymore? I can’t carry boxes to downsize or sell items. I can sit here, which is the least painful place to be, and when it becomes painful my bed becomes the least painful place until it starts to hurt, then it’s back to the chair, so there’s no real relief for me.
But, like life, I am making some progress.
If I can justify myself to any degree, I don’t believe myself to be an addict to Oxycodone because I can ween myself down from a dose that lets me exist a comfortable life into one where I can still manage even though life is much less comfortable. It’s a constant worry that I’ll run out only because of the day after I take my last dose of medicine, rather than out of any need to get high. I imagine if it came down to it, I would just say fuck it, go to the local cannabis store, explain the situation, and go from there. Oh yeah, this essay was supposedly about the Minecraft map…
Well, besides making Zealie’s house and flood-filling some blocks, we just hung out.
|Sources: The Story’s Imaginarium.|
|Inspirations: Talking about my life and such.|
|Related: Essays helping build “Novel 02.” This novel is formally called “A Story About Self-Confidence: Something About Anxiety,” and is a sequel to “Novel 01,” which is part of the Sammohini Arc of “The Story.”|
|Written On: 2021 February 06 [11:22222222pm to 11:47pm]|
|Last Edited: 2021 February 06 [First draft; final draft for the Internet.]|