I haven’t had much energy lately. My health has declined since I stopped rowing twice daily in minor ways, but it’s in the inability to move things I once could or work as hard as I once could. After I moved, I stopped being able to row at all. The chains are too loud. Sure, the neighbor kids still scream in the complex, but I don’t want to be rude like that, so I’m stuck…
I had to quit my contract.
Less than a week in and it was already affecting my health. I thought I was eating well, but I wasn’t. I wasn’t going to be able to afford health insurance so it wasn’t really going to work, but I tried my best, and still, I screwed up. I don’t know how many more opportunities there are out there for me, but it’s feeling like there are fewer by the day. Employers are seemingly increasingly crueler. I hate it.
I’m really anxious right now.
When people tell me about how they love their jobs or get free or subsidized gym memberships, it’s not “envy” I feel, in wanting what they have. It’s wonderment over how my life went so wrong where I can’t seem to find that happiness myself. Writing like this does feel nice but I haven’t found an opportunity to get money from this whole charade.
My stomach is gross and my body can barely do what it could do months ago. I feel like I’m unable to climb out of this rut. Without a physical avenue to express this stress that builds from this mental stress, I feel trapped within these feelings of inadequacy. Positive words from others ring hollow in comparison with those thoughts yelling at me, telling me I should have done this or kept my mouth shut about that.
I’d rather be sleeping than writing.
My dreams lately have been escapist. I dreamt about having a cat and petting it. I dreamt about various other scenarios where I was more successful than I am right now. Even though I’m not, and I know this logically, emotionally I feel like a failure.
I did my first Wii Fit set since October on Saturday.
During those twenty minutes, I felt some of the stress of the past few months fade from me, but there’s just this overwhelming lead jacket upon my body that is preventing me from feeling good about doing much of anything.
My savings are draining rapidly.
I soon might not be able to afford a rower that could be inoffensive for an apartment. I can afford a gym membership for a few months or even a year, but on days like today, I don’t have the energy to go outside, to deal with anyone, even online, let alone drive to a gym. I barely felt like cooking or eating. I’m dehydrated, too. I’m sharing all this since it’s all related.
I just want to feel better and get healthier again.
|Sources: My fitness experiences.
– This week’s weight: 232.5
– Last week’s weight: 232.5
– Difference: No change.
|Inspirations: Inadequacies and feelings of failure.|
|Related: Past weekly column entries.|
|Photo: My rowing machine with my Wii Fit Plus game.|
|Written On: April 7th [22 minutes]|
|Last Edited: April 10th
Since I missed the 7AM deadline, and it’s nearly noon now, I figure I’ll write this outro to explain that for the better part of the last three days, I’ve just been in bed, sleeping, or in other ways just not being productive. I have done some things, moved some things around, read some other things, ate some food, and have made some progress, but my energy levels have been at a quarter of what they normally are, and it’s this sort of emotional turmoil that has both led to a lack of productivity in my writing/editing/publishing, and a general sense of needing to get out of this rut. I have no job prospects. The last contract there was a terrible one, where everything was screwed up from the beginning, and nothing went well. I kept at it, all because I have this burning need to keep a steady paycheck. The past few years have been nice, living in a subsidized rent situation, but when that fell through, now, I am faced with a need to more carefully moderate my spending. I’ve been doing well in this regard. Other than an occasional expensive lunch, most everything that I’ve purchased has been necessity-based. I haven’t earned any money, other than that week-long contract, since October, and this being April now, means that things are feeling like they’re going downhill. The check to the IRS hasn’t yet burned through some of my savings, but even when it does, I’ll have some leftover scraps for myself. I have to pull myself out of this rut first and foremost before I can do anything. There are so many decisions I need to make over the next few months. It’s overwhelming. I want to get back into rowing because when I row, these sorts of decisions just naturally iron themselves out in my mind, and it’s easier for me to act on them when I’m in a state of inactivity like I am now, where thoughts fester, without the room for my physical self to take some of the focus off my mental self, but there’s this sense, too, that I don’t know how I’ll be able to get back into it. I could just say, “fuck it” and row with my loud rower, let the chains bother the neighbors, because my neighbors with the screaming kids have been yelling off and on throughout my writing of this outro, but that’s not a reaction I want to have. I don’t want to row out of a sense of obligation to drown out the noise of others. I want to row to drown out the noise from within myself. That hatred that seeps in whenever I feel overweight or incapable.