[Rowing Machine] 2019: Week 19 {237.0} “Wasn’t Expecting That”

I spent all day Saturday on my feet, running around, talking to people, without drinking my usual gallon of water per day, only eating a small breakfast and a small dinner, after a week of rowing 15-minute sets somewhat consistently, for the heaviest weigh-in I’ve had in nearly one year. It’s easy to critique myself, consider all my efforts to be wasted, and consider this whole thing to be a waste. Instead, let’s consider unexpecting.

I’ve had an incredibly stressful last few days, weeks, and months.

Much of the causes of those stressors have been outside of my control. Some are under my control: Rowing difficult sets for extended periods of time. I don’t feel physically tired after rowing 15-minute sets, which I’ve been doing because to take the time to drive to the gym, situate myself on the rower, row, and return home just doesn’t seem to feel like it justifies a quick 5- or 10-minute set.

Rowing used to be my twice-daily stress reliever.

Now if I can get to the gym four days a week, I’m doing well. I can’t really transfer that stagnant energy in me elsewhere. I can write for hours but, still, I’ll feel perturbed by things that mentally or physically happen throughout the day. I might carry some weird interaction I had with someone longer than I need to, or allow myself to bury a compliment under self-flagellating remarks.

Things are looking up, though.

Unless I make any major mistakes or cannot fix any minor mistakes, I’ll start new full-time employment soon. I’ve been working part-time or contracting since “Quit Your Job” back in 2016. I’ve learned more about myself, the writing process, and am ready to return to work that is more good than bad with aspects of drudgery that might make it unbearable. Hopefully, this gig/lifestyle will be stable.

You can’t exercise yourself out of money stress.

You can logic your way through it. You can look at your daily burn-rates of savings, sell things, and stop spending money. Even thinking through all of that, there is still an overwhelming dread that comes up when your savings, once thoroughly in the green, now go into the yellow with a very real possibility of going into the red. Still, you press on. There is nothing to do but carry that stress.

It’s been a wild six months since I last worked.

I’ve learned more stress-coping mechanisms, have become less attached to materialistic objects/situations, and can hopefully decompress from stressful encounters quicker. The idle mind will still wander through events and reach for a bout of binge eating as a response, pretending to be hungry when it’s actually just feeding the stress hormone rather than the appetite, which is difficult to solve.

I’ve also realized I use work as a form of escapism.

When I’ve worked long-term jobs, I’ll escape my off-the-clock life with work, and I’ll escape my work with escapism in general.

Time writing, meters rowing, and sleep should decrease my stress weight.

Quotes: None.
Sources: My fitness experiences.
This week’s weight: 237.0
Last week’s weight: 236.0
Difference: One pound heavier.
Inspirations: I just wanted to explore the mental aspect of why I’ve been stressing. The job should help. I should also be aware of how much food I eat since this is 100% the result of eating too much food over the course of the past week and not letting that shit out properly – literally and figuratively.
Related: Past weekly column entries.
Photo: Concept2 Model D Performance Monitor 2 closely cropped.
Written On: May 5th [30 minutes]
Last Edited: First draft; final draft for the Internet.
My big goal is writing. My most important goal is writing "The Story." All other goals should work toward that central goal. My proudest moment is the most recent time I overcame some fear, which should have been today. I'm a better zombie than I was yesterday. I'm not better than you and you're not better than me. Let's strive to be better every day.