[Rowing Machine] 2019: Week 33 {226.0} “Weight Isn’t Insobriety”

I’ve put on a few pounds since last week. Besides addressing some lingering stress, holding onto other stress, encountering more stress, drinking some high-fructose corn syrup drinks, and eating an entire bag of “healthy” snacks over a three-day period, or less, it’s just been a rough week. That said, putting on a few pounds isn’t like breaking sobriety. It does tell me, however, that I need to more careful. If untended, I could become unhealthier.

What’s my plan for restoring this balance?

I think my downfall this week was on Friday. I had a stressful day at work and arrived home exhausted. Maybe I didn’t sleep enough on Thursday? Even now, Sunday, my stomach is churning, my eyes are burning, and sleep I am yearning.

I might be trying to do too much.

When I get home tonight, if the day went well and I properly left all the stress at work as it should be left, then I’ll get home, take out the trash, do the laundry, row a light set, bathe, and if I’m still tense, read for enough time that it takes to distract me from my current woes, whatever they may become.

If the day didn’t do well, I’ll skip most of that.

Maybe I’ll just bathe, read, and sleep early? It’s difficult because there is so much I want to do in life and many of those tasks I can do right now. That knot in my stomach is morphing into a bit of a problem for me, now. Hopefully I can use the restroom soon to relieve myself of this stress.

That did help a little.

I still feel this overwhelming burden that I can’t put into words. It’s a bit physical, in that sort of body dysmorphia where you can see parts of yourself you can appreciate, but you’re overwhelmed with parts you hate, and a bit mental. I had a rough phone call recently that I don’t want to publicly share. Instead, I wait for the coffee to percolate, bury myself in work, and let the subconscious find out what’s wrong…

My work stress from yesterday was imaginary.

I had put two disparate variables together. I checked. They weren’t related. These variables manifested in my mind into overwhelming and engrossing events that would signal some profound calamity…

…and I used that to do well today.

I’m exhausted and tired, so I believe after I get home, I may not do much more than a meager 15-minute rowing set before going to bed early. That’s probably where it’s important to keep that good sleep sanitation going, doing things that lower my stress, and improve my mood.

I’m still quite prone to binge eating.

I know myself well enough now to know what symptoms to look for with an overly-stimulated self. Sweaty armpits are the biggest physical symptom and when one arm or the other sweats too much, for example, I’ll take the next few hours to think less intensely.

That’s what I’m doing to address this weight gain.

Other than eating small meals consistently throughout the day, my peanut butter and cheese sandwiches. I think not following this diet is what caused my weight gain. I didn’t eat cleanly or regularly for two days, and the evening before, which one could say is because of a celebratory birthday binge, but that shouldn’t be the norm. I probably won’t binge like that much more going forward if I can help it.

The trick is relearning moderation.

I’m still hungry though I ate my favorite snack of a dipping cookie or cracker with a bit of peanut butter. This physical hunger as it relates to physical fitness relates to mental hunger as it relates to sobriety, there is overlap, and there is discipline required for both. I don’t listen to the negative self-talk that would encourage me to drink, but that means I’ll make poor life decisions, or poor eating decisions or something else may go awry, but why, I don’t know. The more we explore these errant thoughts, the more we can prevent this from happening to others.

For now, I know I’m tired.

But there are two things I’m going to start doing now that will guide my writing as I start to publish them, so don’t be afraid of the content change.

First, I’ll stop with the precise 500-word word counts and associated chorus verse chorus structure. I’ll now write throughout the day for as long as the essay seems compelling.

Second, I’ll stop worrying about the visual element. If I photograph something throughout the day, cool, if not, cool too.

Today’s visual element is of some cinnamon sprinkled into a water glass, itself representing the topic here of reducing hunger through subtle ways. In 4-Hour Body, Ferris eluded to the power of light cinnamon to satiate hunger and from memory, I think it was… my memory wasn’t that solid. Read about cinnamon, cinnamaldehyde, and how the spice relates to hunger. It could be a placebo, but I’ve noticed subtle differences in my mental hunger when I sprinkle cinnamon into my water.

It’s weird to consider hunger.

It’s a two-fold thing: physical hunger as a manifestation of caloric depreciation in the body and mental hunger, itself infinitely insatiable, itself caused by a great unknown within perhaps stress.

How do we tackle casual hunger?

I eat small meals often, typically, and now I’m reducing my food intake further. Left to my own devices, I would eat anything and everything. Buffets are dangerous for me. I’m trying to cook more and eat out less. I find, too, that eating food with specific calorie counts per package helps. I’ll eat an entire bag of vegetables without even thinking of it, but if I eat a half a bag, then I’ll think of the other half like some magnetic force stronger than any free will or discipline.

I want another energy drink soon.

I might have too many energy drinks on my days off. I should want to try to have a maximum of one per day but my discipline can only last so long before it becomes too much of a drag on the rest of the day.

That’s mainly why I didn’t row today.

I woke up with a change to routine – a desperate one-hour phone call – that I’m glad I was able to take but prevented my necessary mental calmness. Instead, I was tired throughout the day, but with a sort of “I don’t have time for your bullshit” kind of an impatience that led into me taking life at my own pace.

Do I not because of external fear?

How much of that is justified? The more you do, the more you’ll screw up, and it’s just a matter of learning from mistakes informed but not inferred. If you don’t tell me a problem, should I assume you have one?

That should help me address stress.

After I’m done writing this, I’ll send this text document and that aforementioned photo to myself to then publish as a wild change in direction for my written content. This is a reaction to general apathy. If no one’s reading this, why not write in a more comfortable style?

It might take some pressure off the whole writing precisely thing and leisurely expand into how I want to focus my time: into writing long-form fiction that describes situations and maybe how some people overcome those situations?

It’ll be a fun experiment. Much like my Twitter posts about my rowing sets, themselves a subversion of the Twitter drama.

Much like how this writing is helping me focus on something productive and stress-free.

Quotes: None.
Sources: My fitness experiences.
This week’s weight: 226.0
Last week’s weight: 222.5
Difference: 3.5 pounds is quite a lot, but I figure if I hold myself more accountable, including yesterday when I ate a little more in the morning which caused me to go over my caloric maximum, then I should be good, which means throughout the day I should figure out ways to streamline things down a bit, perhaps.
Inspirations: Exploring my mind’s considerations for why my body’s considerations wrecked havoc on my stress levels.
Related: Past weekly column entries.
Photo: Another “spent too long thinking about this” until I finally just said “whatever” and took this photo of some cinnamon in a cup of water.
Written On: August 11th [56 minutes, mobile]
Last Edited: August 12th [Light editing. Otherwise, first draft; final draft for the Internet.]
My big goal is writing. My most important goal is writing "The Story." All other goals should work toward that central goal. My proudest moment is the most recent time I overcame some fear, which should have been today. I'm a better zombie than I was yesterday. I'm not better than you and you're not better than me. Let's strive to be better every day.