I’m not sure what compulsed me to consume 3,700 additional calories. I had my theories, thought about the absurdly angry antagonists, things not going according to plan, but these are lies. Whenever you tell yourself an answer like that, you’re lying. Don’t worry, we all lie to ourselves for casual convenience. If there’s an answer, you don’t need the right answer. My answer happened yesterday afternoon after washing my hands and just before returning to work.
My clothes are too big now.
I’ve burned off 24.5 pounds since I started working again 4 months ago. My white dress shirts were the first to balloon in size, comically inflatable and no longer comfortable because sides will hang out erratically. I caught my pant legs trailing behind my heels. Now I can tighten my belt loop even further than I could before.
This is great! Right?
It’s too fast. My mind has always thought of myself as obese. The shape of my legs and stomach disgusted me, but I accepted it about myself. [Note: I don’t loathe others at their weights. This is only me looking at me. Extrapolation on this is exploitation.] Now that the curves are decreasing, it doesn’t feel right.
Last week, I felt like I had changed rigs.
It mostly feels great. I feel more capable and energetic, yet I also feel weird in my own body. These parts that were one way and are now another don’t feel like the me that had been me all along. I talk about identity and the need to be flexible in how you consider yourself frequently. It’s difficult.
The me I see doesn’t feel like me yet.
I’m looking forward to more progress. I want to row more. When I switch to nights, I can row before and after work again for some nice relaxation and release of stagnant physical energy. I wonder, too… I used to look at myself when I rowed at the old place. I didn’t row while watching videos.
Would that external focus cause this malaise?
I might not be recognizing parts of myself because I’m not studying myself. I don’t mean to hide from my fears. It’s just easier to put something on to zone out while rowing a 15-minute set mostly daily than two 5-minute sets twice daily where I won’t be on there long enough to become bored. My mind can address its biggest stress and I can glance at my legs, arms, and stomach without diverting my attention away from the video I’d be watching.
My specific experience is different than most.
I empathize with those with body dysmorphia, partially for the reasons above. I don’t want to be taken out of context with implications that studying my body to come to terms with changes in my physique will fix issues for others. As always, I present myself as an example where I’ve done things to help myself, with no implications it will help others.
That’s probably why I binge ate an entire guacamole container.
|Sources: My fitness experiences.
– This week’s weight: 214.0
– Last week’s weight: 216.0
– Difference: Two pounds down.
|Inspirations: I write to figure out what the hell’s wrong with me part of the time because only I can explain my problems to myself, and if I can write them, then I can help put a voice to these pains to others, maybe. This is one of the more uncomfortable essays I’ve written and will probably turn people off, but I think it’s important. I’m in the middle of a calorie gouging binge from last week and this week. My eating discipline is gone. Hopefully, if I admit this now, I can start to work on it again. It could have been because I wasn’t eating enough calories throughout the week. I suspect that and an increased amount of stress throughout the week caused this sort of stress eating. We’ll see if I can recover from it and even if I don’t burn off any more weight, hopefully, my weight doesn’t increase significantly.|
|Related: Past weekly column entries.|
|Picture: Rowing Machine Sheets Supplementarium for this week and the future week, I guess.|
|Written On: September 20th [25 minutes, from 5:03am to 5:28am, mobile]|
|Last Edited: September 24th [Minor tweaks, otherwise, let’s just say first draft; final draft for the Internet.]|