[Rowing Machine] 2020: Week 52 {218.5} “Gift Of Health”

‘I’m tired of all these headaches, debilitating or casual.’ That’s what I thought about when I thought about this season of gift-giving, superfluous consumerism, of waste and wanton pleasures materialistic, and all the greed therein. I have everything I need. Except for reliable, stable health. I could be going about my day, whether writing or driving, and feel a pang that stops me in my tracks. I’d like those gone more than videogames or socks…

The important thing is to not overcompensate that pain with pleasure.

Now that the biggest of the headaches are gone, when I get these smaller miniboss mindbender headaches, the last thing I need to do is to work through them or to eat more food as a reward for having put up with them. Instead, I’m just going to bed when the sensations are too unbearable. If I had pushed before them before to write my first novel, then I certainly won’t again.

I just have to defer my plans to the next time I feel motivated enough to do things.

It does make me wonder if part of these headaches are because I’m doing so much, but then the counterargument to that is that I’m really not doing any more than usual. I’m not stressing my body mentally or physically more than I have in previous months or years. Maybe I am more now compared to zero effort exerted, but that’s not my baseline. I am going slow, just like returning back to rowing after, say, months of inactivity.

It was nice when things briefly normalized a few weeks ago.

To glimpse past the fog of headaches into the clarity of reality was a nice sensation. I am taking it much easier than I would in previous months or years. I’m using my downtime to just let my brain relax rather than trying to stimulate it with more thoughts or activities. Right now, for example, I stopped typing or thinking about writing, took a sip of now-cold coffee, thought about nothing, sipped again, put the lid on, then returned to typing.

These next few months will be the proving ground for me.

Before I start writing my second novel in May, I want to be free of headaches, in better physical health, and have sold some things. The headaches are minor compared to previous weeks and months, I am rowing more often now, and I have some things posted. There is progress there. All of this is my priority and focus. I don’t care about getting a new laptop, new books, or any sort of new possession, large or small.

I can’t enjoy those possessions while enduring headaches.

I’m not sure what the future will hold. I’m currently right at that point where I don’t currently have a headache, but I feel the pangs at a distance. What’s funny, too, is that if I think about how I’m feeling now versus any moment during my novel-writing month, I never felt this sort of sensation directly. It was either full-on headache or nothing. I just, overall, feel emptier now than ever before. I have less energy and am exerting myself less.

Maybe it was those anit-depressants knocking my brain around?

Doctor-Number-Two was certain my headaches were caused by anxiety and depression, but what if they weren’t? Wouldn’t adding additional antidepressant chemicals in my brain screw things up even further? If so, then the Hippocratic Oath is kind of a joke nowadays. Nothing much I can do other than just roll with the punches and hope things stabilize at some point in the near future. I am working a stressful job, too.

We’re guessing everything will slow down after the holiday season.

If so, that’s going to be one more week of calls where people are pissed off about things I can’t empathize with until everything has settled down. If so, then life should be back to normal. Until then, I just feel that special sort of fatigue where I am counting down the minutes and hours until I’m able to get back home to relax and unwind.

I guess the thing will be to adjust the next few days.

When I finish work today, instead of rushing to get home, filing in line to fight with all the traffic to get from my work-city to my residence-city, maybe I’ll wait up in my work-city? Actually, I looked over the timing on the maps, and it would take longer if I were to wait even 30 minutes, so I’m not sure. There’s no real fun commute. It would be more ideal to remain within my comfort zone or at least not be in this constant fatigue-ennui-pain.

I don’t even have enough energy to finish writing this essay.

I did row before the start of my shift. I may skip rowing at the end of my shift, again. I feel so tired and my mind is so empty, which is a weird feeling. I’ve had glimmers of this ever since I took that first medication, amitriptyline, and at most I only had two pills. It’s probably not related then. It’s probably more related to the fatigue of having lived in this burned-out, headache-riddled state for months without major relief now.

I’ll get minor relief for days at a time.

The prednisone helped, but not as much as it did before. It’s like that lifted me out of a sinking ship and onto a life raft, but it isn’t in the best shape, and I’m still not on land. I’ll probably be worried about being pulled out to sea for the next few months. Let’s say I get things sorted out by May, and I have a headache-free month, only for those headaches to return during my more casual novel-writing timeframe and scope from May 1st to August 31st. Then I’ll know that I have some kind of novel-writing headache problem, even if it’s at a more casual pace.

Currently, I’m thinking I’m just needing the gift of health.

Quotes: None.
Sources: My fitness experiences.
This week’s weight: 218.5
Last week’s weight: 214
Difference: These headaches are making it difficult for me to feel disciplined.
Inspirations: The holiday seasons are happening. People are giving gifts. What gift do I want that I don’t have? Health.
Related: Past weekly column entries.
Picture: My rowing chart for the year with notes explaining the major ups and downs.
Written On: December 17th, 2019 [31 minutes, from 12:33am to “wouldn’t” at 12:48pm, from 1:08am to “even further” at 1:09am, from 1:21am to “May 1st to August 31st” at 1:35am, from 1:46am to 1:47am, Gdocs.]
Last Edited: December 21st, 2019 [Some edits to adapt from Gdocs to WordPress… so… second draft?]
My big goal is writing. My most important goal is writing "The Story." All other goals should work toward that central goal. My proudest moment is the most recent time I overcame some fear, which should have been today. I'm a better zombie than I was yesterday. I'm not better than you and you're not better than me. Let's strive to be better every day.