I had to get some coffee so I went to a local grocery store for the first time in months. The last time I went, my physicality was still in good shape. This time, I felt significantly older than I really am, but other than masks and plexiglass cashier shields, it was chaotic like old-normal. Over the past two weeks, especially, my health has declined noticeably enough to where I can’t walk at full speed.
I was conscious about my walking speed and there were still moments where I was sore.
I was thinking of going to explore more than I had, to get the groceries I needed, but after I collected the can of coffee and coffee filters, I had run out of energy. I got some crackers but that’s about it and only because I was in the same aisle. I didn’t feel like looking around at anything superfluous. No additional media or objects. Just what is essential for me throughout the next week.
There were some moments where my body screamed out in pain.
I’m not sure how this happened exactly, whether it was the sedentary nature I’ve been forced into because of how doing much more than that hurts, or whether the physical therapy I’ve been getting has been breaking things back into their proper places? I did my best to walk around for the first time since physical therapy. I couldn’t walk around at all yesterday because I was in too much pain. It took almost 24 hours to feel well enough to even go out, let alone get groceries, but without coffee, I don’t feel motivated to do much else.
I could dig into my energy drink reserve, but they’re more treats than utilities.
I think of coffee more in regards to where without it, I am significantly less motivated to do much of anything, which is the question I would ask these doctors where I would find the energy to go at the pace they want me to go. How do they recommend I go about it? I’m not sure, but as I found myself lost, trying to find the coffee, I realized that I can go on the briefest of walks, but that’s going one step forward and two or more steps back unless there’s a way for my body to recover quicker.
I’m not hurting currently so I can probably visit another grocery store tomorrow.
The question becomes, however, why? What would I buy? I have enough food to last me for another month, easily, and even though I like the new GI Joe: Classified line, I don’t feel like collecting too much more. If this most recent round of degraded health has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t have the energy for physically collecting a wide variety of things. I’d rather write. There’s a group-watch livestream in ENDLESS WAR of The Warriors going on right now that I skipped out on for partially that reason, and also because the stream quality was laggy enough to where I wasn’t having a good time.
I have a better time staying at home working on my own self-improvement.
I also took some diphenhydramine to make sure that my muscles and mind relaxes enough from today’s walking that I don’t have to worry about hurting significantly. I couldn’t sleep this morning. I was up in bed for thirty-plus-minute stretches without making any sleeping progress so I ended up getting to bed significantly later than necessary. This is a side effect of the pain I’ve been enduring. Sure, I don’t feel consistent lifebending pain, but it’s significant enough to where I weigh nearly 5 pounds less than last week. I haven’t been eating well, but that’s because my appetite is non-existent. Libido, too.
I think what happens is the pain is internalizing too much.
Even light exercise should help to work out those pains, but more often, I find myself in much more pain than I started, so why would I even begin? These are the sorts of challenges I find myself enduring currently. It would be better if I just let myself escape into some media for a while, but there’s also the balance of reporting about how I’m feeling, where bending over to pick up a penny to round out my self check-out purchase was more of a debate on whether I should risk my pain levels for convenience. I picked up the penny without pain, but I also walked around the grocery store at a pace that was significantly slower than my normal.
Is this my new normal?
I’m not sure, but my physicality is definitely in a weakened state, so hopefully by this essay’s publication, I’ll be stronger, and maybe even able to row? Considering how I feel now, and have felt over the past week, I’m not confident. “I slept through most of the day and I’m still tired” has been a common thought I’ve felt throughout the past few weeks, where I’m trying my best, but everything feels like degradation and failure.
I’ll throw in some additional observations from the grocery store.
Despite social distancing, everyone was still as energetic and space-hogging as usual. Is this our new normal? About half the people were wearing masks. It wasn’t a requirement, but if I don’t want to risk infection, will I have to be the weird one wearing a mask? I’m already weird enough so I don’t mind. It helps with anonymity, too, so it should be fair going forward, especially once I return to picking up weekly groceries. Until then, I’m fine with picking up enough fresh and canned food to last me long enough to where I don’t need to go out often. I’d rather exercise on my rower than walk around some capitalist, church of consumerism. I almost wonder, too, if there is less sensitivity toward potentially any object carrying COVID-19 now that we’ve sufficiently flattened the curve?
If that’ll cause a second-wave of COVID-19 cases, that’s unfortunate.
|Sources: My fitness experiences.
– This week’s weight: 203.0
– Last week’s weight: 203.5
– Difference: Half-pound down. Wasn’t feeling great and weighed in a day late.
|Inspirations: Mainly a scattered glimpse into how it’s like for me to go around. Thanks for the help, American Healthcare System, I feel well enough to work.|
|Related: Past weekly column entries. Sober Living essays and Tripping On [The American Healthcare System] chapters.|
|Written On: 2020 June 06 [7:45pm~ to 8:12pm – accidentally deleted this note]|
|Last Edited: 2020 June 06 [First draft; final draft for the Internet.]|