When I had better health, I used to write about major events in my life as a way to come to terms with them. Now these events pummel me in waves and the most I can do is manage my pain through a combination of meandering through escapist media and taking pain management medicine that doesn’t even help much. Tomorrow I will go to my fourth physical therapy appointment after surgery and it’s gonna suck.
I have to walk about 25-30 minutes to get to their office.
On my first walk back, it took me 45 minutes to walk back. I think. I looked at the time when I left the door of the physical therapist’s office: 11:10am. When I arrived at my car: noon. There are no better options for someone like myself. There are no one-hour stalls closer. There are loading areas, but since it takes me nearly three hours for one appointment, my car would be towed.
This is but one of the nightmares of my condition.
The spine doctor that had taken so much pity on me before has forsaken me just as all of the other doctors. His assistant told me earlier today that all of my labs looked fine but if I’m still experiencing pain that I should go to a specialist of some sort. The assistant spoke as quickly as humanly possible to convey as little information as verbosely as possible other than telling me that they wanted me to go to ‘the very best doctor to handle [my] care.’
I told them to send everything along to my primary care physician.
If there’s anything I’ve learned throughout this almost year of health problems, it’s that there is a large disconnect between what the doctor and doctor’s office perceives to be patient care and what the patient actually cares about. Their words earlier today were hollow. Getting me ‘the very best doctor’ would impress people that are used to telling patients daily that they want ‘the very best doctors’ to handle cases.
I’ve dealt enough with these ‘best’ doctors to say that’s untrue.
I was told I had very good throughout my entire journey. I’ve written about these doctors with some degree of anonymity for them. They will continue seeing patients today and it’s not like I want them fired or flayed, but I do want more doctors to think of their patients as human beings. That doesn’t seem like an unfair or unreasonable thing to assume, right? I’m not being selfish by asking of them to have basic empathy for me, right?
My spine’s health is going downhill.
This afternoon, my spine hurt in a way I’ve felt somewhat before but I would say is more akin to total body numbness. I have felt this before where any movement of my hands or feet hurt, but this was stiffer than that. I got a moment of freedom to go lay down in my bed, and there I wondered: How long will it be before I spend more of my day in bed, paralyzed, unable to move? I don’t have a sort of chemical depression about this, so I don’t think an anti-depressant would help me feel better about my body’s deterioration despite all of these doctors’s very best apathy.
I just wonder how much longer my body has before it breaks?
Will I be so lucky as to get appointments with these doctors, or will my spine prevent me from doing anything at all? My body is already so withered that it takes me nearly one hour to walk 500 feet. Tomorrow’s physical therapy appointment will probably be my last at that clinic because it’s a health hazard for me to push myself that far and it’s a waste of time for them to have me walk on a wounded spine all that way to spend five minutes sitting against a head pad until that pad burns my body, leaving me more in pain than before.
I went to that spine clinic during the holidays.
They had a Christmas tree and had everything spread out like they were celebrating this holiday. It was there, as I waited, in pain, that I realized to myself that these people’s internal ethics were not congruent with their external ethics. If they had any sort of Christain ethics, they did not practice it on me. Their beliefs are hollow and they are and many of the other people I’ve encountered along the way are the villains of my story. Yes, that is terrible for me to write, however, this is me becoming congruent with my own beliefs.
How can so many people discard me?
Well, I asked that same question using slightly different language when I was in school. All throughout my elementary school, kids that would present themselves as friends might act friendly toward me until they achieved their goals. These bullies would trick me in various ways. I was similarly ostracized in middle school and high school. I hated the experience so much I left high school early to get into college, which yes, was better, but throughout the years I’ve still had myriad bullies from all angles.
I am not a good guy to many people.
However, for myself, as long as my wretched soul walks on this forsaken Earth of ours, I am the protagonist of my story, and as such, when I encounter people that want to deceive or detract from my ability to live normally, when they steal my energy, these are not good people to me. Maybe these people had the best intentions? I can’t say, and I won’t say, either, because I’ve had to deal with so many people like this over the years that they’re all the same. These healthcare providers or assistants that say one thing and do another are the same as elementary school bullies that want money from me and so they try to become my friend to do so.
I am starting to experience hatred now.
|Sources: My fitness experiences.
– This week’s weight: 213.5
– Last week’s weight: 213.5
– Weight Difference: Same
– Difference between writing and editing for publication: Physical therapy did more harm than good, I would say, and later on, I found some crutches that would have made the moving-around experience easier, but nothing really much I could do to have spent going to PT and then doing well. So I ended up dropping PT.
|Inspirations: I forgot about the formatting for last week’s essay, so when I updated it, I realized – yeah, even though this new physical therapist could help, the office’s distance won’t. I don’t think he is a bad guy, nor the distance, but the people that aren’t empathetic toward me as a human being are bad guys to me and that’s my opinion.|
|Related: Past weekly column entries. Sober Living essays and Tripping On [The American Healthcare System] chapters.|
|Written On: 2021 January 07 [10:55pm to 11:18pm]|
|Last Edited: 2021 January 07 [First draft; final draft for the Internet.]|