[Rowing Machine] 2021: Week 17 {223.0} “Barely Imagine Physicality”

Yesterday, I planned to head up to the pharmacy today to take care of things, but my spine had other plans. I woke up after being asleep for about one hour to the worst spine pain I had ever experienced. Everything hurt. I was eventually able to get my spine to calm down, but waking up from that was the beginning of the next phase I had been worried about: I can’t imagine being physical.

I can barely imagine going to stores now.

Going to the pharmacy like that is now such a luxury that I can barely even imagine all of the things that people do each day. Whenever I see videogame characters move in absurd ways, I doubt to myself that I will ever be able to do anything like that again. I emailed my restorative function doctor’s office today to tell them of this and the diganostic information that my spine pain is the worst in the morning when I wake up from sleep, but no response. The doctor in charge of my case doesn’t want to sign the insurance paperwork, which, if he continues to ignore this will cause my insurance to lapse.

I hate this situation more than you could ever imagine.

This spine pain is stealing a lot of the life out of me. I barely ate or drank anything all day today. I don’t have the energy for it now, and each time I imagine “I don’t have the energy” I find myself dealing with a new pain. I don’t know what I can do at this point. The spine injection may not even be covered by insurance now and what if it doesn’t even work? When I wrote the email that wasn’t read, I told them that I don’t have the luxury of dealing with wasting time like this, and if they don’t intend to help me with my situation, that I will need to call my insurance to find a new doctor.

How am I supposed to get better with this weighing over me?

Sure, this is making me more resilent. I can assess situations quicker to see if they make me feel negative or not. I had an interaction today where I felt awkward, and when I thought about why, I realized it was because here was someone that was indirectly telling me criticism about me, either intentionally or unintentionally, in a situation where I didn’t ask for the criticism and I wasn’t asked if I wanted it. It was some good information that I acted on anyways, but still, that interaction and then another one later on with the same person disinterested me from wanting to interact with them to quite the same degree I might have wanted to years ago.

When we have small social circles, we worry about these things too much.

I have no attachment to almost all of my social groups, and the ones I do feel attachment toward are ones that I find the most difficulty within, because I have certain expectations of them that don’t match reality. Whenever possible, I like to exercise certain questions: why do people act the way they do? How do they respond to me? How do they respond to others? For the first, it’s a matter of looking for their motives – what do they want? Second – are they sociable or weird? Third – do they act the same toward me versus others? These sorts of insights help me determine where I spend my time when I spend my time with others.

My time is now limited thanks to my spine.

I don’t have the luxury of worrying all day about a conversation I want to have with someone or had with someone else. I might imagine that conversation for hypothetical situations, but I can’t do much more than that. It’s like how I’ll write this essay and then probably go to bed. I would want to do more but it’s beginning to hurt too much sitting here, which is something that up until yesterday I was able to manage fairly well, which is to say, today was the first day where my body’s reaction to the pain couldn’t be fixed with any of the tactics I’ve learned so far.

My left hand’s pinky and ring finger were numb this morning.

The pain management medicine I’m taking didn’t cut through the pain signals that interrupted my day this afternoon significantly stronger than I had ever experienced. I still have many dreams and ambitions, but I feel like they are being squashed by this spine pain, and I feel like I am being invalidated by those in the medical community that are paid a lot of money to help people like me. I feel alone in this. I have been opening up to people more now about how much this is affecting me. Up until now, I’ve been able to at least keep my sense about me, but now I am struggling to maintain a good sense of self.

My concentration is – I’m not sure of the best word here.

Fading was the first word to come to mind, but it’s not that. I feel like it’s more and more of a struggle just to get to this point where I am today. I have to be willing to accept the day, and it may be soon, where I can’t write essays like this anymore. I already experienced a 30-second-or-more pause before I started writing this sentence where my body could not move. I was just looking at my hands. It’s rough to imagine the day where I can’t do much of anything anymore, but I have to imagine that happening soon, because when it does happen, I won’t be able to go to the pharmacy, the doctor’s office, or much of anything besides wait in bed until my body feels well enough to move much at all.

When that day comes, will I be able to write any more essays?

Quotes: None.
Sources: My fitness experiences.
This week’s weight: 223.0
Last week’s weight: 217.0
Weight Difference: Up quite a few pounds. I think I’ve been eating more junk food – heavily processed junk from fast food places – to help with my calorie consumption. I’ve been cooking more food in my rice cooker, too.
Difference between writing and editing for publication: That whole pain management doctor route was almost a waste of time. I’ve had some good essay material and I’ll be going to a chiropractor on April 26, so, it’ll be interesting to see if that will fix my issue. I still can’t imagine doing much of anything, but I try.
Inspirations: Writing accurately about my life.
Related: Past weekly column entries. Sober Living essays and Tripping On [The American Healthcare System] chapters.
Pictures: Template
Written On: 2021 March 18 [10:15pm to 10:42pm]
Last Edited: 2021 March 18 [First draft; final draft for the Internet.]


My big goal is writing. My most important goal is writing "The Story." All other goals should work toward that central goal. My proudest moment is the most recent time I overcame some fear, which should have been today. I'm a better zombie than I was yesterday. I'm not better than you and you're not better than me. Let's strive to be better every day.