[Rowing Machine] 2021: Week 18 {222.0} “Anticipation Of Restoration”

I was watching a video of some people roadtripping without any flourishes and I had to break my mental perception of how much effort it would take for me to do that same thing, were I there, considering the lo-fi production quality and its overall relatability. I need my cane to walk around my apartment. I need my crutches to walk around when I go out. I’m anticipating a restoration of my health’s lost past.

I lament my past physicality.

Will I ever be able to walk around normally again? In less than 12 hours from this writing, I’ll be going to a doctor’s office to get an injection at my tailbone to calm the nerves that flare up there. This should help me on my road to physical therapy. When I was sent to physical therapy before, it was without much consideration for my personal health. It was more to fulfill the needs of processing patients for insurance. That doctor didn’t even follow up with me about my PT progress, so he didn’t care at all about how it went, all he wanted was to end the patient meeting as quickly as possible. Tomorrow’s doctor has not been overly empathetic either, so, having had to deal with as many problems as I have, I’m sure there will be problems with this doctor in the future, but this is the only option I have at this point.

The answer from yesterday’s insurance survey was lackluster.

They answered half of the question. They do the minimum possible and as a result, all I do is wait around for the next event to happen. Sure, I fill that time productively with activities that help me toward my writing goals while doing everything I can to prevent my physicality from worsening, but it’s getting worse. I am less able to do more and more things now compared to one or three months ago. I am excited about tomorrow because this could be my only opportunity to get better. I took a minute to think about the gravity of that situation and I don’t believe that my health will get better without actual medical care. The many doctors I’ve seen have all turned a blind eye to me, like I was some sub-human, and I believe that each and every one of them could have done more had they actually had any degree of empathy over the situation.

Would they have treated their families as they treated me?

I think back to when I was working in the American Healthcare System and I worked with a small sampling of doctors, sure, but a majority of these doctors acted like I was wasting their time and would often work long hours in solitude. For them, the exploration of doctoring was more important than the human element. I remember one doctor, in particular, was working late on Thanksgiving Eve and was doing his damnedest to keep me working later than necessary. He hated me. I know that all of this goes into realms of subjectivity, which is not objectively useful, however, it does give a bit of context behind what I experience. Of the doctors I worked with/for in the American Healthcare System, only a small handful treated me humanely, and I remember many others telling me how they disliked certain doctors for how they treated them.

I think about all of this to assign blame for my healthcare problems.

Despite the private systems of the American Healthcare System, we often wait weeks or months for the privilege of seeing a doctor no smarter than a box of rocks and no more interested in helping, so why would I consider this to be the best healthcare system in the world? I would rather wait the same amount to see a doctor that might be marginally better, if only because they are regulated better, and not have to worry about becoming bankrupt because the egos of doctors get in the way of their treatment.

I am not confident I will ever walk without canes or crutches again.

I am not confident in going to any of my local parks, or roadtripping adventures, long or short, to explore the world around us. I have trouble going to the toilet and back. I wake up in excessive pain. I have to suppress that pain before I can do anything. It’s a lot to put up with and to keep up with, and things like that prevent me from watching videos where people go on roadtrips and see it as an impossibility for me. How could I walk down a sidewalk, even? My future holds no room for physical stunts, barely has any room for any physical exercise, and if I’m extremely lucky, I might be able to do some basic tasks again without worrying about if I bend over and have a pain that will last days and months.

I hope tomorrow’s appointment turns out well.

If it doesn’t, I don’t know what to do. I could lose my insurance and my ability to recover if my insurance company doesn’t help me navigate their systems – but I suppose they don’t care about me from a financial perspective. I often wonder if there were a way that I could focus the pain that I feel and gift it to others. How would they feel? How would they handle this constant suffering? How much would they enjoy feeling like they’re fighting an uphill battle against a system that could care less about doing their jobs? It’s tough and I don’t like thinking about not being able to walk down a sidewalk again, but, if I have to keep on enduring pain like this, numbness, and loss of abilities that weeks or months ago seemed trivial, then once I get them back, they’ll be even stronger than before. I don’t give people the benefit of the doubt if that energy needs to be extended to surviving.

Rough, sure, but it’s making me resilient.

Quotes: None.
Sources: My fitness experiences.
This week’s weight: 222.0
Last week’s weight: 223.0
Weight Difference: I’m still aiming for around 200 pounds, or ideally less, but I’ve been eating well as a celebration of getting back into good health.
Difference between writing and editing for publication: Chiropractic appointments have been helping reduce the muscle inflammation that was causing my pain and immobility. Turns out that after surgery, they should have got me into physical therapy or chiropractic appointments almost immediately.
Inspirations: The video is irrelevant but the feeling is permanent. — Also, this is the 2000th essay posted here! Woo! Some aren’t exactly essays, but, we can lean into the 2000-post count because I’ve written so much over so long a period of time, that this can be a silent victory.
Related: Past weekly column entries. Sober Living essays and Tripping On [The American Healthcare System].
Pictures: Template
Written On: 2021 March 25 [11:11pm to 11:39pm]
Last Edited: 2021 March 25 [First draft; final draft for the Internet.]
My big goal is writing. My most important goal is writing "The Story." All other goals should work toward that central goal. My proudest moment is the most recent time I overcame some fear, which should have been today. I'm a better zombie than I was yesterday. I'm not better than you and you're not better than me. Let's strive to be better every day.