More than a week after my last session with my chiropractor, he asked me how I was doing. I honestly haven’t been doing well, so, I told him, then I told everyone almost the same. I censored the names of guilty parties – the doctors that treated me, or I should better say, didn’t – but, otherwise, it was important for me to write that email. If that check-in wasn’t merely fee-hunting, it should be doing something.
The problem is putting your anger into things that won’t help.
These essays are a great example of something that does help – indirectly and directly. I’ve used this space to work through my thoughts on myriad topics that I’ve then been able to articulate succinctly using a few words rather than the few thousand words over hours of time to get to the root of the issue. Spending 30 minutes a day for years writing essays has helped me reduce the number of words I need to get to the root of my thought. Shifting the focus, writing, rewriting, but always continuing, saving, and not revising unless there are significant structural or editorial flaws in the future. That way I can learn to stand by what I write and say, in the moment, rather than regretting what I wrote in an essay two years ago.
Sure, there is probably something to that two-year-old essay that might be flawed.
However, let’s say someone brings up that essay, or even this tweet, and gives me some valuable feedback that isn’t just an attack against my credibility. Even that attack can be useful as navigation through anxiety to a resolution where I might explain myself, accept any problematic statement, then work forward toward a positive resolution. I think of this sometimes as I broadcast livestreams, unedited. The only time I silence the microphone is when I step away for extended periods of time and switch over to a no-mic scene to make sure no private audio is picked up. Otherwise, it’s all live! The sort of stream-of-consciousness I developed here serves me well there, and that platform serves me well here.
Communication articulation doesn’t end when the words are verbalized or written.
The most valuable lesson I’ve learned through writing over all these years and near-millions of words is the ability to practice thinking and typing at the same time. Translating Zombiepaperian into English through typing means figuring out the specific words I want to use to the point where it’s intuitive. There are essays I’ve written where I haven’t even thought about the words I wrote, and when I was done, they’re still fairly good. That degree of spontaneous automatism requires confidence in yourself and what you’re communicating, which carries well into other forms of communication, and will serve me well when I transition into writing more often.
How will that manifest?
Ideally, I will clear my plate of most responsibilities that tie me to this expensive part of town – mainly the physicality of a broken body and the weight of a cluttered living environment – and find myself able to operate within my means in an environment where I can live without the severe pain that required me to write an email calling out the names of three doctors that specifically mistreated me – the abusive sports medicine doctor, the uneducated pain management doctor, and the surgeon that caused my tailbone issues – in such a way that I never would have imagined I could have been able to articulate as vehemently years ago.
There is no shortcut to learning self-confidence through self-betterment like that.
I believed in myself so fully that I was willing to distill all of my anger into that central point. In less than 500 words, I told a doctor that admittedly did the best that he could given his ability, that I don’t believe there will be any doctor that be able to surpass their arrogance and ignorance to help me return to a normal lifestyle. I omitted some thoughts I had been considering between the time he sent that email, me withering in pain in my bed, and me forcing myself awake to send this email with all of the force of that pain against the American Healthcare System.
Within 15 minutes of clicking send, he called.
I don’t know if he left a voicemail. I didn’t feel like dealing with that, but the message was received. I gave him all of the information he had wanted about being paid by the insurance company. My insurance rep told me no action was required, he said there was, so I gave the rep and the chiropractor contact information so they could battle it out on the battlefield of my health, where as far as I’m concerned, my money is everyone’s major concern. What a fucking joke system to be part of where you have to worry about becoming completely bankrupt because the care provided to you was, as I told him and as I repeat, like a fast-food worker working minimum wage and putting in minimum effort.
That might sound like heresy toward doctors, but I have met some shitty ones.
Those paycheck-driven doctors lied to my face about caring for my health, telling me they’d do everything they could, and then as soon as they could find their first out, they would have their assistants inform me that I was to be transferred to a different doctor. The best. One assistant continued that line of lies by telling me that they wanted me to go to the very best in the state, to get the best treatment, but, they didn’t know the name or referral information. What use was that person? All they did was make sure I went somewhere else to continue my treatment, because they’d used up all their insurance assistance, or whatever it is that causes doctors to kick me out so much. I have no empathy for rat bastards like that.
The ones that are patient-driven will always communicate with me directly.
|Sources: My fitness experiences.
– This week’s weight: 220.0
– Last week’s weight: 220.5
– Weight Difference: Maintained the same weight, in part because I’ve been eating healthier with fewer snacks.
– Difference between writing and editing for publication: No more chiropractor, no more employer-level insurance, hello state-level insurance, and hello new doctor appointment by this essay’s publication. But since I post these essays early with the weigh-in number, it’ll be a little bit before you read the results at length.
|Inspirations: Writing about my life slightly out of chronological order is useful because for Tuesday’s essay I can still write something worthwhile, whereas this essay was me complaining about things, and a sufficient weekly health update.|
|Related: Past weekly column entries. Sober Living essays and Tripping On [The American Healthcare System] chapters.|
|Written On: 2021 June 08 [11:19pm to 11:43pm]|
|Last Edited: 2021 June 08 [First draft; final draft for the Internet.]|