[Rowing Machine] 2021: Week 51 “Controlling Moderation Emotions”

An alternate title for this might be “Verbally Cartoonish Fisticuffs,” but I’d rather focus on the positive aspects of where I’m headed rather than the negative. I detailed everything at length in a recording as I worked on more painting, so I’ve already processed my emotions thoroughly, which has let me figure out my long-term plan, which is switching my primary care physician/PCP to get care elsewhere. The good of learning moderation, then, is self-moderation.

The roles of broadcaster moderators are usually fairly relaxed.

Look out for trouble is usually about it, maybe shouting out certain people based on fungible criteria, and some people might feel defensive if you go overboard on even that. The responsibility of a moderator should be to do damage control so that way the broadcaster can keep on rolling. If the train crashes because a broadcaster and an audience member clash, then everything stops as the broadcaster sorts out the problem. Sometimes it’s necessary, especially when life comes at you fast, but the more you plan for things, consider your way through problems, and consider what might happen, the quicker you can react to actions.

This moderation meandry works well for self-moderation, too.

I have expressed concern at now multiple points throughout my experiences with my current PCP’s office, and today, what I thought was going to be our discussion about what kind of coordination my PCP will do for me turned into him becoming defensive. After my verbal recording of the events, I realized something – he was on the defensive as much as he was because he was letting his ego get in the way of my patient care. This is where I’ll remind myself to be as charitable as possible, but this is a doctor that prides himself on knowledge and being able to help patients, much the same as the many IT professionals I’ve met over the years. I understand that difficult situations can be frustrating to solve, and my situation is exceedingly difficult.

I have had multiple problems with this clinic.

Starting with the security guard, the scheduling being delayed, the records not being sent through, and the doctor seeming to still want to control the situation throughout a few interactions, has led me to realize that by sending me along to a different doctor, he was already giving up aspects of his ego and pride by letting someone else figure out the issue. When I returned, with the intention, truly, of figuring out a plan for treatment based on when things get better, he could not see past the failures of his escalation to another clinic, so I became a problem to him.

I don’t see a need to see this doctor again.

I believe the best course of action will be to let the pain management clinic do the two injections, then ablation, and at around this time, have discussions with people that have been advising me in various healthcare capacities about this situation. They, my friends that are empathetic toward my situation but not allowing me to dip into bad behavior, help to moderate aspects of my life – like the moderators that help moderate a broadcasting space. If a moderator sees something and does something, then that’s in your best interest as a broadcaster, and any arguments should happen privately.

Both people I told this all to suggested, neutrally, that I switch PCPs.

The problem, as I brought up toward the end of the first recording, is that the PCP did help in many ways to compile the information that was helpful in getting me on this path. So, too, have other individuals and communities been helpful for me, but once there’s been a split of perspective – here, our arguments first over how I felt like I was being discharged when I was being sent to the other clinic, then realizing only now that I was being discharged, but my PCP would accept me back for easier patient care options – then I can work toward repairing that perspective, or, move on from the problem.

In time, problems can fix themselves, but it depends on the situation.

For human interactions, that requires learning emotional maturity. In today’s PCP situation, I did not expect to find myself in an argument with him, and after two apologies, I realized that no, I don’t feel like I can trust his judgment. He lashed out at me. No matter what problems I have with the office processes, that shouldn’t bleed over into the patient care matter, which I even told him was secondary to my primary concern, but he was so enraged and unwilling to listen, that, I don’t see a reason to fix that. Sure, mending relationships can be nice, but it takes work from both parties. I can see the nature of what I did wrong – I was too forceful in wanting my patient care handled well. Should I have been less direct? Well, had I been, the second pain management doctor I spoke to wouldn’t have had the information to treat me, so despite what I was told today about how the PCP’s office sent over no new information, they did, and this sort of thing is irrelevant to talking to the patient who has requested a meeting to discuss healthcare planning.

Editing Zdiscord’s Zrules, comparatively, was easy.

The rules are already there. I want to make them clearer before I try a system-level restructure of Zdiscord to make sure that people read and acknowledge the rules as they act to protect the people in Zdiscord. If the system changes away from Discord, then the processes should still be the same, with the same sort of self-discipline and self-respect, which are tools that people can use whether in communication with random people about videogames or talking to doctors in decisive moments that will change the course of who I go to talk to about healthcare matters. Certainly not that PCP again.

Maybe not even that clinic, I’m currently not sure.

Quotes: None.
Sources: My fitness experiences.
This week’s weight: N/A
Last week’s weight: N/A
Weight Difference: I stopped doing my weekly weigh-ins because it’s difficult to move around reliably.
Difference between writing and editing for publication: The more I’ve reflected on this PCP, the more I realize that he was massively insecure. I went in for my fourth SIJ injection yesterday, this section I am writing on 2021 December 18, and after getting a second opinion say that it’s more likely to be a sciatic nerve issue than a SIJ, I realized, wow, this PCP made this whole compelling case for my SIJ being inflamed, when, no one talked to me about this very common thing, so I will be continuing to drill in for more information before my follow-up appointment on the 29th, which might be after or slightly before the medication wears off.
Inspirations: Writing about my day and my recordings, while not leaning on the materials of the recordings too heavily, help me process my day and my recordings, so that tomorrow’s day and recordings can be freer from the responsibilities of sorting through the weights of these matters. They’re done.
Related: Past weekly column entries. Sober Living essays and Tripping On [The American Healthcare System] chapters.
Pictures: Template
Written On: 2021 November 08 [10:48pm to 11:14pm]
Last Edited: 2021 November 08 [First draft; final draft for the Internet.]
My big goal is writing. My most important goal is writing "The Story." All other goals should work toward that central goal. My proudest moment is the most recent time I overcame some fear, which should have been today. I'm a better zombie than I was yesterday. I'm not better than you and you're not better than me. Let's strive to be better every day.