[Sober Living] A Brief Respite…

I had a brief respite from headaches, lasting around 72 hours, where I began to feel normal. Then I got my same old tension headache back from before. It’s almost worse to have a temporary rug pulled out from under your feet than to constantly be standing on hot coals. At least you get used to the burning. Whereas when the headache returned, after one hour of returning back on the clock, it was too painful.

I can’t seem to catch a break.

No matter what I try at work, I can’t seem to escape these constant headaches. I woke up two days ago with terrible back pain. One day ago, no back pain but I was overly tired. I haven’t been sleeping well. I’m taking diphenhydramine to at least get six hours of sleep. I’m not sure what else to do. I feel like all my energy is gone now, fighting this headache, or whatever the root cause is, and there’s no relief. There won’t be until we get this problem solved.

I’ll have seen a neurologist by this essay’s publication.

When you read this, I should be on a treatment plan for recovering. Meanwhile, I am writing this in a state of moderate to severe pain. I was going to write about all the upbeat things I did during my brief respite from pain. Those will have to wait until I’m feeling in better condition, lest they become rife with aggravation, accidental or otherwise. I’m feeling depressed only because my body is physically depressed from energy. I was feeling so good even two or three hours ago.

This is the most stressful job of my career.

Everything has to be overly-precise. If you miss something, it’s not a write-up, but they look over everything with a sort of judgemental eye. If I can’t even focus for more than a few minutes, how can I avoid making mistakes? That is taking a toll on my mental state. I don’t know what will happen with the neurologist but I worry that I may need to quit this job over these headaches.

I worry because I’m only financially OK for a few months.

I would be fine for long enough to get my health back if I needed to quit for several months to get things back in order. In my state, FMLA doesn’t guarantee I get to keep my job if I take extended leave time away, since I’ve worked here for under one year. I’m only writing this now as a sort of mental check-in and to see how I can plan out the rest of my life.

I don’t know what else to do.

My back is hurting along with my head. I can’t sleep because I’m in so much pain, consciously from what I can register or subconsciously with whatever the issue actually is, so all I can do is just live in a state of constantly being mindful of not getting mad at others. I hate being the victim of my own body.

I try to take care of it as best as I know how.

It was nice, though, having that brief respite. I was able to do some things I had wanted to do for a long time. I cleared out my living room, set up a reading space where I could lie on the floor and read, and cleaned up some of my CDs so it’d be easier to work on my next batch. I was looking forward to selling more of these computers I have sitting around. Now, most of those plans will need to be deferred until my health is better.

That’s what I talk about when I talk about the rug being pulled out.

At least under my previous state, I was just focused on doing what was absolutely needed and nothing more. I wasn’t having a fun time, and I didn’t enjoy the time like I did for the time I enjoyed between going to the emergency department and returning to work, but at least it was manageable. It’s the same as drinking after a long period of sobriety, having a day where you feel at peace with your decision and think you’re going to remain sober, only to return again for round two.

At least I didn’t have back problems before.

All I can do now is keep up with the same stress alleviations as I had used before. I’m closing my eyes as much as I can. I’m trying to move my neck around to see where the pain points might be occurring. I’m just so tired of this, and I won’t have any relief unless I go take the meloxicam outside of the guidance of Doctor-Number-Seven or go to another urgent care doctor for advice.

What else will these headaches take away from me?

Will they take my job? Will I be unable to work in technical support again due to these headache problems? Will I be unable to watch movies that have a runtime longer than my eyes can tolerate? The light stains across my closed eyes tell me that the overhead lights at work might be the culprit of all this. There’s no relief from that. When I wear sunglasses, it helps, but then that could be causing light sensitivity as well. When I wear regular glasses, my eyes can only tolerate the overhead lights for a few minutes at most.

I’m so tired of all this pain.

I have so many dreams and aspirations I want to realize, but they all have to wait until my health stabilizes. I thought it had. I thought I was going to return to work as I had months back, ready to work my hardest, in exchange for the social grace and managerial courtesy I have now, which has afforded me the level of comfort of a person that deserves empathy. I know, that’s surprising.

I guess the most I can do is wait for a longer respite…

Quotes: None.
Sources: My personal experiences
Inspirations: I was going to write about more upbeat things until the headache knocked me down, so I wrote about where I was at rather than where I wanted to go.
Related: Other Sober Living essays.
Picture: Using template pictures like this helps give me respites from publishing the rest of essays like this. When I have a bad headache, I can’t concentrate on much more than what’s necessary, and when not, I can focus on completing other work with the brainpower I have…
Written On: 2020 January 18 [20 minutes, from 12:57am to 1:17am. Gdocs.]
Last Edited: 2020 January 18 [Possible edits adapting from Gdocs to WordPress. Would this be the second draft, then?]
My big goal is writing. My most important goal is writing "The Story." All other goals should work toward that central goal. My proudest moment is the most recent time I overcame some fear, which should have been today. I'm a better zombie than I was yesterday. I'm not better than you and you're not better than me. Let's strive to be better every day.