I have nearly two shelves in my refrigerator dedicated to caffeine. Those energy drinks, along with a coffee machine with enough for some time, are like my mind’s way of saying I’m not really over with addiction. It’s just transferred to something less harmful, perhaps. My gut has felt rotten occasionally for a few weeks now. It might be hunger. It might be excessive caffeine. It could just be not scheduling enough time for sleep.
Whatever it is, it feels like a punch to the gut.
It could even be now that I’m working out more, I can see my fat has turned six-pack shaped, where the sides are depressed like abs might be, so this could even be fitness related. I am rowing significantly longer than when I was in the old place. Or I guess not by much. One 15-minute set almost daily versus two 5- or more often 10-minute sets?
I’m weaning myself off large amounts of caffeine.
I would drink a pot of coffee in the morning, one or two cups at work, then conclude the evening with an energy drink, sometimes. Hundreds of milligrams of caffeine per day for days and years might not be good. On my days off, I’m not brewing coffee at all, and only crack open an energy drink if I need to stay awake through the day.
I wonder what will happen next?
When I was a kid, I was fascinated by alternate realities, whether videogames or even just staring at the patterns that formed when I closed my eyes and pressed on my eyelids. Writing, too, is a form of that.
Holding down a long-term job might help…
Keeping a schedule and diet can help with the undulating forces that might start at an energy drink one day and conclude with fatigue the next. I need to schedule in “living time” throughout the day, too, where I can be free just to enjoy the breeze if that’s what I’m feeling.
Without those seconds or minutes, my mind rebels.
Is that the root of my addictions? Lashing out against fear with a reckless rebellion? How can I find these fears and either tame or accept them? It’s easy to admit your shortcomings and fears in a private space. I am a performer here so this is a private space for me. Not the most private, but I can share with you because of my fear of your negative opinions of me don’t compare to the fear inside me. Is that fear of myself? Or the ramifications of certain actions?
Caffeine makes me feel good.
Unlike right now, where there is unpleasant pressure behind my right eye, my gut feels like it has a mild poison in it, I’m tired, and I still have a long workweek ahead of me, caffeine provides a temporary respite of the body and mind. I may just pour myself a small cup to get over this feeling. It’ll be OK…
Better caffeine than many other things.
|Sources: My personal experiences.|
|Inspirations: It starts with the highs then goes into the lows. That’s how every addiction starts and how every addiction concludes.|
|Related: Other Sober Living essays, but especially, “Energy Drink Collector.”|
|Photo: I took 100 photos in a burst mode [I didn’t even use my limit breaker] while pouring out some drink. I looked at the one with the most fizzle, cropped it, and used it here.|
|Written On: August 16th [22 minutes, mobile]|
|Last Edited: August 21st [Added some missing punctuation. Otherwise, first draft; final draft for the Internet.]|