“Don’t burn out again on binging.” My ideal days are spent holed up at home. I might row or clean, otherwise, I’m the most content at my computer the whole day. Years ago, I’d indulge a little throughout the day, and find myself numb by the end of the day, having accomplished nothing. In this first of an occasional series, written during those days, let’s dig into this in more detail. Hi, I’m an addict.
Diphenhydramine is essentially free and starts as a nice downer. Then the addictive behavior kicks in, you take more and more, and you get really sick. You constantly feel like throwing up, you could sleep for days, and all for a little numb feeling? It’s terrible stuff.
This afternoon, I thought, “I have some diphenhydramine…”
My stomach hurts just thinking about all that right now. So instead, I did the safe thing and ride out that more powerful addiction with a recent minor addiction of binge-watching anime. Watching one episode of anything is a healthy way to disengage after work.
Watching 4 hours worth?
Well, we’ve already established one of several more unhealthy alternatives. So, as I’m watching and discussing central themes and my overall thoughts of this show, I get the message: “Don’t burn out again on binging.” Isn’t burning out, stress, what this is all about?
So let’s point the camera inward.
My career is about throwing myself into stressful situations, like many others now, so I’m used to dealing with difficult people and weird shit. I dislike it profusely. There’s friction because while I’d like a nice, sane gig, I’m now so used to that conflict that it’s cathartic.
It’s really distracting to work through other people’s problems.
Occasionally, someone will give me insight into my own reality, to help me with my own problems. Most of the time, though, I help out, they feel good, and I feed off those good vibes. It boosts your self-confidence when other people appreciate you, even if it’s your usefulness.
So here I am, about ready for bed, having not abused any allergy medication.
Tomorrow will be better. I’m not sure why today didn’t turn out well. Probably because I didn’t work toward any of my bigger goals this week. Instead, I just did what was easiest and safest, which is a route I’ll only take occasionally, now, and even then I have safeguards in place.
That’s because when I’m acting completely hedonistically, I binge.
Maybe that’s an expression of some profound sadness? Maybe I just want to feel different? More relaxed, confident, and ready to take on anything? What’s nice about having been sober and clean for four and a half years, and counting, is I can recognize these patterns quicker.
I haven’t been feeling being around others.
It’s good to notice that I haven’t felt like doing anything, either, because I’ll need to get out on Friday the 13th.
Fortunately, I won’t be burned out.