Knee-deep in this depressive state, I don’t feel good, as in the opposite of evil rather than well. I feel like I am not worthy of having good things. Not respectable. Bad things should happen to me and that I might not be successful in both my hobby dreams and professional ventures. I feel like I am one failure away from not being able to bounce back. I just want to sleep this badness away.
This is a feeling I encounter sometimes.
Right now I am more stricken by this than normal. My contract gig did not turn out well and we agreed to part ways. I have no other employment opportunities lined up. I have savings but they are depleting, other than a few days of employment refreshment. I was doing well up until something I packed away in storage wouldn’t work. The batteries had faded on my Wii Fit board since October.
I feel in abysmal shape.
I can’t really afford a new rower and gym memberships are too expensive in the long-term. Maybe a short-term membership would boost my energy levels by getting on a rower again? I felt good for the one stroke I did on my rower before realizing it’d be too loud for a proper set. Can I even do a proper set again?
My body is weak now.
My right leg has begun to hurt again. I first noticed it after climbing down some ladders. Now it hurts even though I’ve just been sitting down. I don’t know what to do. I will probably go to sleep after I finish writing this essay since I didn’t have the energy to do much else. I feel like I’m really screwing up. My body is heavy, but I logically know that is just a low depressive state that my mind is in, and yet, I can’t get out of this feeling. I want to get back into a good state.
I want to minimize the evil inside me.
I worry that eventually, when I have finally found true happiness on my terms that something will cause that to crumble, whether through my control or outside of it, and it will have been all for nothing. Currently, I don’t feel like I’ve made many good decisions lately. I feel like my past few years have been lies leading up to this gut-punch wreck of a life I’m in.
I know that’s just a depressive thought.
Yet I am imprisoned by it. I don’t believe in myself right now. I am not on my side right now. I don’t like this. I know I should just do something to take my mind off this bad place until the chemicals in my brain produce some chemical that will help me feel better. I feel cold and awful. I don’t want to feel this way but in some regards I feel like I deserve it. For how long and what can I do to redeem myself?
Am I bad?
|Sources: My personal experiences.|
|Inspirations: Trying to dig myself out of a deep depressive state where I felt like nothing was going right. I went to sleep shortly after finishing writing this and woke up the next day to put it into the template. There were two edits that my spell checker recommended. I feel for the sake of vicerality, I will refuse those edits, because what is more important? The evocation of emotion or the sterilization of the sentence structures?|
|Related: Other Sober Living essays.|
|Photo: An abstraction of the Wii Fit Balance Board.|
|Written On: April 5th [18 minutes]|
|Last Edited: Further edit opportunities rejected.|