Was it the child that coughed her throat out for most of the plane ride that made me feel sick today? The weather change? Not stuffing myself in good restaurants? I feel exhausted with the sort of head cold that would make a good excuse to not get out there and do anything at all, because after all, not feeling well is always a good excuse for not doing stuff, right? I don’t quite agree.
My concentration and focus fly in and out.
If the level of quality in this essay is lower than my normal level of quality, it’s because I don’t really feel like writing anything right now, but these are the perfect mindsets for writing about these sorts of mindsets. When we don’t feel like pushing ourselves, it’s often because there’s some deep pain hidden underneath.
Or we’ve exhausted ourselves.
All I feel like doing right now is going back to bed and sleeping for another twelve hours. I have a show I’m going to tonight and I’ve gotta do laundry. There are hundreds of other nice-to-haves on my to-do list, and yet, I don’t feel like doing any of them. That sort of fatigue usually only lasts a day when not exacerbated.
This weekend is also busy.
This second pot of coffee hasn’t helped much and none of the normal upbeat music I listen to seems to connect. My head aches. There’s pressure behind my right eye, I have a lingering headache, and that fatigue wasn’t with me yesterday in the hotel room. Maybe it was, though? I’d been running low on energy for a few days.
OK, now we’re getting somewhere.
Yes… two days ago I wrote “Culturally Innocent Crutch” after realizing I was distracted most of the day by the need to masturbate. I addressed that last night, but it was like drinking a beer without getting drunk: that urge wasn’t completely calmed, which might be why life is a little muted this afternoon as I’m writing this.
Other than not getting enough sleep.
Between that realization and nearly finishing that second pot of coffee, I’m starting to feel better, but still not my usual self. That’s something, too, because my problem-solving skills are still in top form: I accidentally broke the website for about 15 minutes, but I was able to sort it out relatively quickly and without much strain.
This lag might be more aesthetic.
It’s like how feeling the urge to drink, smoke, or watch mainstream pornography is all psychological, but it feels like thirst or hunger in how it eats away at you. I still can’t really describe that feeling, but the only way to overcome it seems to be to ignore it. Unlike thirst or hunger, these impulses usually go away without much issue.
It’s just a matter of practicing discipline.
Just like writing this essay helped me realize that this fatigue is really just the result of me jetting through the last few days.
I need to pace myself.
|Sources: My personal experiences.|
|Inspirations: Working through my present problems.|
|Related: Other Sober Living essays.|
|Photo: Airplane landing.|
|Written On: October 5th [1 hour]|
|Last Edited: First draft|