[Sober Living] Limit Your Understanding

How much can we understand of this world? We go through school to study as much exoteric content as we can and maybe specialize in certain esoteric topics. Some of us might push the boundaries of research and help the rest of us. Others reject all that. Their realities will never be fully understood. We’ll never really “know” fringe thought the same way we do popular thought. Is it because we just can’t understand everything?

During my period of heavy indulgence, I understood things I can’t understand.

After a particularly heavy session, I said, “I understand what people mean when they say they can see colors outside the color spectrum.” It was one of those epiphanies that, during that peak moment of indulgence, seems like breaking through to another stage of reality. Life unfolds for you, and you alone, in a way to say that you are a special child of creation and as a gift for your hard work and attentiveness that you are now bestowed with this special understanding beyond human understanding.

Then it’s gone, and you’re left with what seems like for years to be a grayer reality.

In exchange for tapping into that vastness of realities beyond reality, some key synapses never snapped back to normal. My brain occasionally zags when it should zig. Most of the time I sense that people get it. Maybe they’re fellow explorers of alternate understandings? Maybe there’s just an unspoken understanding for those of us in ‘that certain ethereal brainwave frequency’ that have also seen incomprehensible colors, dude. Or maybe it’s just because everyone’s just a little wrong in the head? Some more than others?

I’ll never understand if those were legitimate understandings or psychosis.

There are certain events and thought processes we’ll never fully understand.

Should we? How much should we know about each other? How much do we know about ourselves? For years, left to my own devices, my thoughts would wander to intense self-loathing over seemingly benign events and that still happens occasionally. Why would my subconscious utterly despise myself so much? Do we all experience this to certain degrees? If so, and if we all understood that of each other, that deep down, most of us hate ourselves more than we hate each other, then maybe we’d get along?

What if we can’t fully understand ourselves or the world around us?

Is it really so bad not to understand everything? I know in some of my most debilitating  indulgences, I was overwhelmed with the amount of epiphanies that weighed me down. It was like learning a new language every thirty seconds. Having your brain go into the mental redline like that for prolonged periods of time might help unlock certain understandings of reality at the expense of being able to understand how it’s like to live a normal life. Maybe that’s why some reject that stable normality?

The more I try to understand all those “whys…”
The less I feel like I really understand this world.

My big goal is to write. My important goal is to write "The Story." My proudest moment is the most recent time I overcame a fear, which should have been today. I'm a better zombie than I was yesterday. Let's strive to be better everyday. (Avatar)