[Sober Living] Migraines, Tensions, Clusters

[3:11am] I’m in the middle of a cluster headache right now. I wrote read instead of head, there, at first. I can handle a migraine. Just don’t look at any bright lights and try to focus on something. I can handle a tension headache. If I move around enough, usually that kink will sort itself out. What if the two fight for priority over my thoughts? What if the tension and migraines migrate around my body?

Well, for one, I can’t focus on completing this novel.

I have five chapters left. It’s the 24th. I want to complete everything by the 30th. I’m writing this essay outside of my normal plans because I won’t be able to write any fiction while these headaches are causing me to lose focus. I have rough thoughts in mind for how I want to write the concluding five chapters, however, as soon as I try to focus on anything other than my present, most important task, the left side of my neck, behind my eyes, the area on the back of my head, or anywhere will fire pain signals randomly. It’s hard to focus on even writing this paragraph. It feels like my heart’s beating in my head.

The first round of pain relief were bunk.

I won’t go on an antidepressant, which is the only time I feel depression, only to make my headaches worse, when I feel like doing anything at all. All the negative side effects. No actual headache relief.

I don’t want to waste today, either.

I think what will help is [3:11am-3:32am] distraction. Not thinking too much about this headache might help get the headache under control. But thinking about the headache will help me address where the headache is occurring so I can fix it. It would be fine if it were a constant pressure, but the problem is that it moves around from place to place so it’s unpredictable. This is making it hard for me to focus, even on my professional work. I really want to use some sick time to go home, but if I can endure this for just three more hours, then I won’t have to worry about that.

Let’s recreate the day, starting with before going to bed.

I was tired and a bit hungry when I went to bed a little later than I would have liked, but nothing crazy. I should have gotten enough sleep. When I woke up, my eyes were overly-sensitive to light and sound. Migraine. However, as I went about my breakfast routine, my neck and back started to hurt, too. Tension. I made [3:35am-3:39am] the mistake of rowing when I probably shouldn’t have, which exacerbated any sort of tension in my back, even though I did it lightly. Now that I’ve wasted a significant chunk of time not writing my fiction, and this is pretty much just a scrap essay about how it’s like to have a cluster headache, maybe when I get home, I’ll feel better enough to write for a bit before going to bed? If not, I’ll just do some light writing tonight.

What sucks most about headaches is the lack of motivation.

I just don’t feel like doing much of anything when I have a headache. I’ve always considered them a natural sort of inhibitor toward progress. Going too fast? Headache’ll slow ya down before you break something. I feel ill right now, too. I feel like I could go to sleep right now. I also wrote “going” instead of “could” which wasn’t even the right word, and now the pain at the base of my neck, in that part where my head and spine meet, felt sore just long enough until I wrote that down where now the pain- it was behind my eyes, now it’s on my forehead.

I’m having trouble focusing. [3:43am]

[346]But what’s weird is that it comes and goes in waves. I’m feeling almost back to normal now, then a minute later, I’ll be unable to focus on anything. It sucks since I can’t do anything for any extended periods of time. I just have to work through it. I have three hours to go. Less than that. Just have to hold on. [3:47am]

[358]Caffeine is helping a little, but mainly, I just want to go to sleep. My head hurts so badly. [3:59am]

[410]Thinking about nothing helps. Writing doesn’t really, but there’s the necessary balance between capturing the sensation – I cannot even spell correctly, but the spell check catches it, so I’ll stop that, now – and remaining authentice to how it’s like to have a headache where you can’t evne remember how to spell authentic or are going to fast to spell even correct.y … correctly.

I culdn’t even write there for a second.

I just blankly stared at the screen, watching the cursor blink, blink, blink, as my mind just did its own thing. This sucks. I hate that my neck cracks violently whenever I’m just doign nothing. It really makes me nervous that there’s some kinda nerve damage going on. Maybe I just need more sleep. THis should suffice for my daily essay. No matter how long it eds up being this is the most I could do todate. Today.

The heart-beat feeling I had is now in the back of my head. It’s like a pulsing [couldn’t spepll that or spell] senstation.

I’m going to stop b- for now. [4:14am]

[448]I’m feeling better now that I took a break and walked around.

Sometimes, that’s all it takes – a change of environment. Of course, it could be because I used the restroom, too, and told some folks about the [4:49am]

[6:44am]I forced my way through the day and all is well now. I can’t think 100% straight and I don’t feel great, but at least I managed to get through this day without having to leave early. Time to go home, either write a bit, or just go to sleep and hopefully feel better tomorrow? We’ll see. [6:45am]

Endtable:
Quotes: None.
Sources: My personal experiences with headaches.
Inspirations: Trying to capture the dark side of writing A Story About Self-Confidence: What’s In A Name?, a month~long story at Eville Medical in the Sammohini Arc of “The Story,” but this ended up being more of a Sober Living essay, so I dropped it out of the 2019 Novel writing section… mostly.
Related: Other Sober Living and  2019 Novel writings.
Picture: 3-minute sketch of some common headaches.
Written On: November 24th, 2019 [I’ll just leave the timestamps in the essay because it’s too confusing to parse through, with just a minimal headache now. Written in Gdocs.]
Last Edited: November 24th, 2019 [Other than editing on December 1st for the timestamps.]
My big goal is writing. My most important goal is writing "The Story." All other goals should work toward that central goal. My proudest moment is the most recent time I overcame some fear, which should have been today. I'm a better zombie than I was yesterday. I'm not better than you and you're not better than me. Let's strive to be better every day.