[Sober Living] Motivation Through Demotivation

The worst thing about these headaches is that they kill any motivation for me to want to do better with my life. Headaches, for me, are like speed limit signs on the highways of life where the cops and narcs of life decided an arbitrary speed limit for living. Sometimes that’s good. We don’t want fools speeding. However, even when I’m doing nothing mentally or physically strenuous, I’ll be pulled over on that mental highway…

It’s difficult to remain diligent with my diet and wellbeing with these headaches.

I just consumed a few hundred more calories than I needed because I am under such a debilitating headache that it’s difficult for me to focus on anything and I still need to be awake for at least 12 hours, so I can’t sleep through these mindbender headaches. I can’t study any business materials. I can’t do much more than just press on ahead.

There’s yer fuckin motivation. Get to it.

I should have no business doing anything at all right now. I am not well. My head is causing all sorts of mental distortions to undulate through disparate thought processes yet I am still at least trying to advance myself. If I don’t, I’ll be stuck here forever, stuck with these sorts of multi-faceted headaches that should be impairing me but aren’t.

I have a migraine-without-aura right now.

That presents itself as pressure behind my eyes and especially in relation to looking at lights, such as computer screens, such as typing, such as when I close my eyes to type this section it feels better, and when I open my eyes to type this section it feels not so much like my eyes are burning instantly, but as a slower burning sensation.

What the fuck are you doing with your life right now?

If you have your health in better condition than mine, once you’re done reading this essay, put together a list of the biggest items you want to accomplish in life, then figure out how you can accomplish each one. That’s what I do. When my headaches become unbearable, where I can’t even concentrate, I refer to my broken-down lists.

Even with these headaches, I can still do basic tasks.

Let’s say one of your goals is to start selling things online. You’ll need to clear off a table to start taking photos on it. You’ll need a throwaway selling account. You’ll need a camera. List out some of those and other requirements, then based on what you feel like doing, or what you’re able to do, chisel away at the easiest aspects until it’s done.

I’ll often think of tasks while headache-free and do them while headache-riddled.

Even with the screaming of my eyeballs, the cracking of my neck, the tension around my brain, and the throbbing of all of those sensations simultaneously, surprisingly, I’ve been able to endure and thrive, so I can still do some basic tasks for as long as my body can hold out until I get home and just want to go to bed for hours and hours.

My life’s motivations are why I’m not slipping into addictions.

I may be tempted by hundreds of excessive calories, I may not be interested in exercising, and I may feel generally miserable, but at least I’m not drunk or high. I will get inebriated on diphenhydramine because I must wade out the worst of those thunderclap headache waters through some means. It’s terrible on me but tolerable to me.

It would be so much easier to indulge.

I think of alcohol more often now.

It’s easy to sacrifice your willpower.

For me, I know there won’t be many benefits in it. I’ll still be sick, but I’ll be sicker, and I won’t get any relief. These headaches aren’t going to go away through some alcoholic sedative, because they don’t go away through the diphenhydramine sedatives. The pings and pangs that riddle my brain and flash temporary lights in my eyes.

I am careful not to overdo it.

I don’t speed on my mental highways anymore. I guess with the number of mental tickets I’ve gotten over the past few months, even driving on the roads at all will lead to mental cops running my plates and pulling me over for even just being out on the road. I still have my metaphorical driver’s license, so I’m not sure what’s going on.

My head feels bruised.

After I’m done writing this essay, I’ll soak in the tub for a while to hopefully widen the blood vessels around my brain enough to calm them down even slightly so. I’m not sure how many more months or weeks I can tolerate this level of depravity against my physicality, but for right now, I can roll with these punches.

I have no other choice.

I have no sick leave remaining, I can’t take medical leave, and I have been mostly dealing with the world’s least sympathetic doctors. It’s exhausting just to boot up the computer to even watch videos. Writing essays like this are nice time capsules into my mindset. I don’t think they’re hurting me. If I thought they were, I’d stop.

I think it’s that I’m more attuned to myself when I write.

I still experience these thunderclaps that disrupt my focus while I’m doing everything else in life, but while I’m driving I tend to necessitate enough focus to remain driving through the worst of them, and when I’m at work, they typically only arrive when I’m sitting in silence, lasting for two to three minutes at a time.

I much prefer the migraines.

I prefer the tension headaches, too, over those or the hypertension headaches that make me feel like my neck or spine are about to shatter or my mind is going to explore in an aneurysm. It is hard for me to stay motivated through all of this.

When I get better, I will follow the mental speed limits, but the roads’ll be mine.

Quotes: None.
Sources: My personal experiences.
Inspirations: My fucking headached life right now.
Related: Other Sober Living essays.
Picture: Template because I have no energy for a unique picture.
Written On: December 21st, 2019 [27 minutes, from 7:57pm to 8:24pm, while listening to large prime numbers, WordPress.]
Last Edited: December 21st, 2019 [First draft; final draft for the Internet.]
My big goal is writing. My most important goal is writing "The Story." All other goals should work toward that central goal. My proudest moment is the most recent time I overcame some fear, which should have been today. I'm a better zombie than I was yesterday. I'm not better than you and you're not better than me. Let's strive to be better every day.