I learned my most effective cure for migraines when I was a child. The sensations of gently pressing my closed eyelids then letting the kaleidoscopic effects shuffle through geometric shapes seemed like early experiences tripping until a few hours before writing this. Stuck at work, stuck with a migraine, stuck with no other relief, I stuck my fingers on my eyelids, and though the migraine didn’t go away, its tensions eased into a manageable pain.
I have no energy but I wanted to write about these senstations.
When I close my eyes now, at home, I see lasers flash across the black. No, it’s not black. It’s red and black and yellow and white. The darkest spots are in the center and all around are granular colors of yellow and white. If I close my eyes completely, shutting tmy eye lids completely, after a brief flash of purple, I see green orbs flash around then it settles into a sort of green and black static noise. Probably like this paragraph. I haven’t opened my eyes since the start of this sentence so I wonder how many typoes I’ll have slipped in. I won’t edit them out. I wonder how much the lights will sting my eyes when I open my eyes.
Not that bad.
After I’m done writing this essay, I should go to sleep and not queue up my alarm so I can actually get a good amount of sleep. I should be fine since this is the start of a three-day weekend for me, but I’ve been sick for so long that it feels like I’ll never be completely relieved. I worry that I will wake up unable to read my first novel, write some essays while commenting on them to wrap up the remainder of my work on that novel, catch up on some publishing, and have a nice time off as well.
I don’t feel like waking up not feeling well.
I’ve had enough of that for a while. I hate not being as productive as I want to be. I hate not being able to exercise. I’m so exhausted and tired now that I don’t feel like completing this essay, but maybe that’s because my focus is too external. So when I learned about that eye thing, which was probably bad for my vision but I’ve had bad vision since I had to sit cross-legged in my elementary school’s auditorium along with all the other kids as we waited for nothing to happen, so I’d just stare up at the lights, which probably caused my eyes to be in the shape they’re in now.
I’ve worn glasses since grade 2 or 3.
It took a while for teachers to realize I wasn’t able to see the board to do math problems. By then, I was already lost. I’ve always felt lost. I’ve always felt like I was the odd person out. I’m not being as silent anymore. My insurance company has sent cryptic or canned responses when I’ve reached out to them with information, so I reply with a canned response, explaining that I’m dissatisfied with their communication. I’ll keep expressing that until they block me, then I’ll just open a new message chain until I get their help.
If I’d done this as a kid, would I have saved my vision?
I probably would have also been labeled the disobedient child. I’ve ended up perfectly for my ambitions, but otherwise, I’ve ended up terribly. I have terrible social and financial standing. I have nothing and I am nothing. Yet I have endless potential, which is being actively impaired by these headaches, but once the headaches are calmed or cured [hahahahaha], then I’ll be an unstoppable force toward my ambitions and goals.
Until then, life kinda sucks, and I think about my sobriety frequently.
I keep thinking about how people will act and react when I tell them I’ve been sober – which is hypocritical because I’ve taken two diphenhydramine, which feels analogous to having a beer or something – and I know some people will not be polite, or they’ll be fake polite. I’ve been forced through all of this because of how unable I am to integrate with people. I’ve never been comfortable around polite society, so now that I have to integrate within it, I’d rather shy away from it as much as I can, live life at my own pace, no matter what, because let’s be honest. I’m working through the polite society channels right now to address these headaches caused by working within polite society and all that’s caused me to do is burn out and write more of these Sober Living essays.
I’m tired of dealing with this because I have so much I want to do.
These headaches, besides feeling like life-draining impairments, just make me enjoy fewer things in life. If I’m sitting through a boring anime without a headache, why would I waste that time? I could be doing something I’d rather be doing. Being decisive is good. Being too decisive means I’m rude, cutthroat, and unwilling to do anything other than what I find to be absolutely perfect, and sometimes, it’s fun just doing some stupid things.
When I close my eyes, I saw lines of black and pink like some vaporwave background.
I’ve found some luck with using the palm of my hand as a sort of plunger against my afflicted hand. That helps when the headache is a light-inflicted headache, or migraine, but is ineffective against other headaches. I feel like I’ve shared enough for now. I don’t have the energy to write much more and so I’ll just say that I’ve shared these thoughts of weird-feeling filler because sometimes it’s OK to just try the best you can to express yourself, no matter how many words it takes, because at least you expressed yourself. Even if no one ever reads this.
I am not externally successful, but internally, I am almost at my most successful yet.
|Sources: My professional and personal experiences.|
|Inspirations: No triptans – not that they’d do anything other than fix the short-term pain – so I wanted to write about how I fixed this headache because it could be helpful.|
|Related: Other Sober Living essays.|
|Written On: December 24th, 2019 [30 minutes, from 10:06am to 10:36am, while listening to City Morgue, WordPress]|
|Last Edited: December 24th, 2019 [First draft; final draft for the Internet.]|