They say that once you jump world lines from the normal path, you’re more likely to fall into worse habits. I think it’s merely that once you’ve pushed it to the limit and seen how easy it was to survive, you’re less scared of that. Why should this worry me? I’ve survived much worse, dealt with stronger forces, and recovered my ship’s sails from more turbulent waters, so this is just another storm to pass.
I’m cutting the analogies, post-jump.
It’s not so much that cannabis is a gateway drug to harder substances, it’s that once I consumed it, I irrevocably could not trust the system as I did before my second attempt at smoking the stuff. I’d broken the cardinal rule. The employer’s sin. I was a bad kid!
Now, I stand on another prescience.
I’m simultaneously at a good and terrible space in my life. Good because things are starting to line up nicely in many areas of my life. Terrible because there is still much inner strife in both my own reality and my perception of general reality. Both are strong.
I killed my previous ego with cannabis.
There are still remnants of that previous world line in me. Overall, that person has passed; replaced with Zombiepaper. He’s writing this, past his bedtime because he’d been up too late pushing the boundaries once again in some mischievous misadventure.
The current ego of me is nice.
Yet deep in there, my soul yearns for more. It is a quiet pain that calls out for a split second as I’m walking out of the bus terminal on my way somewhere, during conversations that are nicely humdrum, and in my quietest moments when those thoughts turn gray.
There is still room for improvement.
The phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” could either imply a certain acceptance toward that which is adequate or letting the things that fester remain until they cause a break. This phrase is the opposite of my approach in life, brewing that quiet rebellion inside me.
Am I looking for a fix, or, a fix?
A challenge that is worth the effort and risk? If there is no more challenge, is it time to advance? To rebel? Or is it better to, in a quiet acceptance, milk the available resources as much as possible? Why concern yourself with the thoughts of others, anyways?
Is it to stand up for what you believe in?
To know that you can experience true autonomy, freedom, and relief from anxiety is a great thing. The less of that you feel, the more willing you might be to jump a world line to an alternative version of yourself. Maybe not one with green hair and blue skin…
But a different “you,” regardless.
If there were one thing I would have warned myself, it would have been this: there’s no turning back. You can never be complacent in your ambitions because you’re already gone behind the scenes.
The illusion is gone.
|Sources: My personal experiences.|
|Inspirations: I study chemicals and their reactions to the human brain as a hobby since I’ve been clean from cannabis for a number of years. If I had even a basic education on the effects of cannabis in middle/high school, I doubt I would have touched the stuff, but would I still be the same me that I am today? Our experiences shape us but we shape our potential for the impact of experiences.|
|Related: My Sober Living column.|
|Photo: Escalator, intentionally off-balance.|
|Written On: August 16th [1 hour]|
|Last Edited: October 31st [5 minutes]|