I can’t have the one thing that best eases my nerves. Nor can I have the second, third, or fourth-place things to acquiesce that occasional itch that burns so deep within my psyche to drag me through the inner depths of psychology that can’t be cured through a leisurely day outside, hanging out with friends. When the sun and the sky mean nothing, that’s when it’s time to shift focus to the only valuable thing:
Focus on something truly good.
What’s making me happy during this present moment? Is it doing something fun? Is it watching someone else do something they enjoy? Is it just focusing on the eternal freedom that could otherwise inspire so much anxiety?
Ride out that terrible wave.
It’s within that moment of dread, where life seemingly crashes in around you, where you have to take a step back and realize that, no, it’s not. Even through almost certain financial or psychological ruin, there will be a future.
Just give yourself a chance.
Believe that you will have the fortitude to endure the necessary changes in your life to push through this defeat, even if it’s just a lingering sense of dread over your current situation. Things will return to a positive state.
Here’s how I overcome that.
I explore the ugliest, most disturbing, and psychologically disturbing content available. I dredge through that which is truly terrible to shake free from that inner situational ennui. Maybe that helps me feel alive again?
Maybe it’s just cathartic?
I think of it as addressing my inner demons as honorable rivals in a fight, “like every day I’m in a fight for my soul,” and the more I research and understand about life, the more strength and ammunition I have in that fight.
Now here’s the hidden secret.
This daily battle is within us all. My guess is that us addicts, or the people that have peered over “the edge” have perceived a level of excitement and gamble that a quiet afternoon with friends just can never match.
It’s a matter of acceptance.
We must accept that most moments in life are just mediocre, covered in the gray skies of a life without the vibrancy of higher thinking, or that we’ve tasted the best food of our lives and it’s just gruel from here.
There are other rushes, too.
It’s not all about having the most exciting time. It’s just about distracting yourself during that moment of inner-turmoil, where that fear and self-doubt creeps in and lingers like awkward eye contact.
We forget the boring times.
Instead of constantly searching for the eternal light of the divine, and feeling that deep sadness for not being able to see it again, we should instead be glad that we can experience this reality at all.
That’s when it’s fine to take an evening off.
You don’t need to be “on” the entire time through your sobriety.
You just can’t jump off the wagon.
Where’s the in-between?
Focusing on truly good things.
|Quotes:  This line from “Early” by Run The Jewels is about living in an America full of racial injustice, but it also summarizes sobriety.  Hunter S. Thompson’s analogy about being seduced by the edge one of the many reasons why I enjoy his writing; there’s a brutality to the beauty in his writings.|
|Sources: My sober experiences.|
|Inspirations: Feeling numb for the better part of a week and doing what I know best to figure out why: write.|
|Related: Every Sober Living essay.|
|Photo: Oblique angle of clouds and sky.|
|Written On: August 5th [30 minutes]|
|Last Edited: August 5th|