The only time I’m depressed is taking anti-depressants. Those are the hours and days where I do nothing, feel nothing, and want nothing from life. Those are the times where I stare at nothing for three hours and feel content with hating everything about myself. I couldn’t quite describe this to Doctor-Number-Two, based on how I felt when taking Zoloft, but I sure can say it based on being on Amitriptyline until I regained myself.
I was cornered into taking the medication.
I had told the nurse that I was anxious, so I was asked a series of confusing questions, with my first statement being “I don’t understand the question,” until being led into a diagnosis of anxiety. I have anxious moments, and my body’s reactions to anxiety are more severe than most, along with most everyone else. I feel disassociated when on Ativan, able to do whatever I want without fear, which is better than Xanax, where I feel no change.
I’ve also been suffering from mindbender headaches.
The last time I’ve had headaches this bad, three Prednisone pills sorted me out for over three years. This was about a year before starting this website, actually. So of course now that those same symptoms are presenting themselves, but worse, I’ve been trying to figure out how to stop these headaches that feel like lobotomies or aluminum baseball bats to the neck or bullets to the forehead.
I’m feeling more depressed than ever.
That’s not a general lifestyle change, it’s more that when moments of clarity are so seldom, where otherwise your mind is clouded by painkillers or pain, you tend to stop caring about the smaller things in life. That mindset for extended periods of time heightens anxiety and depression, so naturally, being indoctrinated into a lifestyle dependant on anti-depressants is the way to sort out these feelings, right?
Except, my headaches have been worse after taking this.
I might have hours or a day of clarity, but that lasts only as long as the next time a headache will strike. It’s really too much, sometimes. I was reading over a thread about opiate addicts just before writing this, and though I’ve never taken anything like that, the feeling I had from before the three Prednisone and after was that same feeling of euphoria that heroin always sounds like, except, rather than normal to extreme, it was a feeling from terrible to normal.
I’m now in the middle of a mindbender headache.
I flushed away all the Amitriptyline and everything else I’ve been prescribed hasn’t been much better. I was going to call my insurance to see what they might recommend for, well, Doctor-Number-Five in the past few months? But I’m having trouble concentrating. I just want to go to bed, but I also need to get over the worst of this pain sensation, because otherwise, I won’t be able to get to sleep.
I’ll lay in bed with the pain as all I can focus on.
Over the years, studying things for “The Story” or anything in general, I’ve learned about chronic illnesses. Whether mine is sprouted in physical sensations based on random chance or mental sensations based on trying not to return to my addictions, I can’t determine. I just know right now my mind feels terrible. I don’t feel well. I want this pain to stop and nothing I can think of can stop it.
Pressure on my eyes or around my head helps.
I have the light sensitivity of a migraine, the inflammation sensations of a tension headache, and everything just feels awful. If you can, at the first glimpses you get of headaches, try to reach out to doctors to see what you can to do stop them, because this is no condition to live in, but I write about my experiences, hopefully, to say that living with chronic headaches is not a great sensation.
I remember back to my most depressed.
I- well, that’s still too painful to write about.
Let’s instead talk about something more upbeat.
I had forgotten how precious life was until these headaches.
I’d been taking things for granted. Letting things happen more by chance than they should, because I figured I had all the time in the world. I hope I can come up with a long-term solution that won’t just cause these headaches to reappear in three or four years. I don’t have the energy to write more, but I should, because it’s important.
When I took Amitriptyline, I didn’t care about anything.
All the excitement I had for writing A Story About Self-Confidence: What’s In A Name? faded. I nearly didn’t write anything at all during that time. Only through my strict writing discipline did I keep working through it, and after laying in bed to get no sleep, with no interest in doing anything other than looking at nothing, with a headache that was probably as intense as what I have right now, where without a spellchecker you would see some really gnarly typos, I decided that that path was not the right one.
I feel like throwing up right now.
I used to only have pain behind my right eye, which I thought was due to a childhood near-accident, but now I get pain also behind my left eye. A neurologist in early November told me I only had migraines and treated me like garbage, dismissing the headache sensations I have around my forehead, the sides of my head, and neck.
This is America’s healthcare program.
If you’re not on anti-depressants, you’re garbage.
I’ll feel better after taking a hot bath and sleeping.
This hasn’t been much more than just an exercise in typing to explain my thoughts. It hasn’t really helped to relieve any tension and all I’ve really done is state the obvious for a few hundred words. I hate this feeling. Not even this Supatriptan is helping.
I feel disgusting and I want this to stop hurting so bad. It won’t.
|Sources: My personal experiences.|
|Inspirations: The title was decently captivating.|
|Related: Other Sober Living essays.|
|Picture: The empty pill bottle.|
|Written On: December 2nd, 2019 [22 minutes, from 10:11am to 10:43am, WordPress while listening to LOVE&JETT by GUITAR WOLF then some music from EarthBound and back.]|
|Last Edited: December 2nd, 2019 [First draft; final draft for the Internet.]|