[Sober Living] Tripping On Cyclobenzaprine

All I feel like doing currently is sleeping, or, staring off into the ceiling and not doing anything at all. This isn’t a good feeling for someone like myself that is highly motivated, driven, dedicated, and willing to work past exhaustion in the short-term for long-term goals, but, when you do that for too long, sometimes it might be OK? No. It’d be one thing if the headaches went away. Cyclobenzaprine just numbs those storms.

I have the prescription for Prednisone now.

However, when I talked with a supervisor about the medication and my overall experience with going to four doctors over the course of one month, he told me his experiences, which I’ll explain in that essay, but needless to say, I figured I’d rather feel lethargic than excited. This essay requires the affluence of the medication I’m writing about.

I just feel stoned.

Not quite in the same overpowering way, but still, enough to warrant some degree of concern. Unlike the Amitriptyline that completely threw me through a loop, this is just a minor variation on that, although nonetheless, it is not a good feeling to have long-term. It’s like being sleep deprived only if you’d slept for 14 hours.

I’m extremely dehydrated, too.

It might just be the dryness in the air, thanks to the heaters and air conditioners going on, or it might be a side effect. I’m not really interested in looking at this point because it will have limited value for me going forward. This last dose I took before sleeping was actually the most effective dose I’ve had yet; the others varied between complete dissociation and complete numbness. Now I’m in that area between where I can dissociate from the pain but I still feel it.

Let’s not numb our collective pains.

It’s better to address that stress, whether it’s a mental thing like learning to cope with vocational and avocational stresses, a physical thing like anxiety manifesting as disparate headaches, or whatever the mixes may be that most apply to my situation. That’s where the Prednisone should help in the short-term, because it should reset the bad mojo brain chemistry, with the long-term side being an overall exploration with an empathetic doctor [only took me five tries!] willing to listen to what I have to say about my headaches then deciding how best to proceed rather than saying I’m depressed, anxious, or have only one sort of headache only.

So I’m writing this to stay awake.

And stay hydrated. When my lips get chapped, typically that’s a sign that I’m dehydrated, along with the color of my pee. That I’ve drunk nearly a liter of water in the past ten minutes and still feel dehydrated can point to the amount of physical damage this medication could be doing to me, or just the state I’m in. I weighed myself and found that I’m nearly ten pounds heavier than I was a few days before. I think it’s all the stress from these headaches causing me to binge eat.

Today is the first day I’ve felt thirsty.

Otherwise, it’s been hunger pangs, or boredom eating because I think that I should be eating. I took out peanut butter from my diet thinking that was part of the problem, except that just meant my steady diet turned into an unsteady diet of whatever I could find at home or in the cafeteria that matched my interest level. I think this will all get sorted soon. For now, I think I’ll shift gears a bit.

I feel functional but this is still an antidepressant.

I feel the same as I do on the other two antidepressants from two classes: apathetic toward everything. I am less concerned about myself or the wellbeing of others. This is probably the ideal state for an employee to be in. I’m surprised that companies don’t prescribe antidepressants as part of their training procedures. I’m only being partially facetious there. I’m glad that this feeling didn’t appear at first, because otherwise, I might have thought this was working.

However, I’ve had a headache behind my right eye, for now, three days.

It normally feels somewhere between getting lobotomized and having been slapped in the eye, whereas right now, it’s just a light throbbing. I can handle this. This is predictable, and one of the more common types of headaches I get, with the other being tension around my forehead, or as of lately, the tension between my neck and head.

The worst pangs of pain usually go away after a few seconds.

This has also been the most difficult essay for me to write in the past few weeks or years, just because I feel so unmotivated to actually write anything at all. I feel like a zombie of myself, which I know, ‘cool pun, bro,’ but if I closed my eyes for more than two seconds, I’d time travel out another 15 minutes.

I should take a quick 5-minute power nap here soon.

I’m nearly done with my water bottle’s worth of water. I have another container and I figure between all of that, I should be properly hydrated. I’m just doing that though because it’s probably the best way to go for me right now.

Now I’m just watching the cursor blink.

I could watch this cursor idle past the last word I type for minutes or hours. Blink-blink-blink. This is their preferred mood for work, since like my supervisor had told me, he was getting mad at people on prednisone, and here I’ll just quietly do the work I have to do without caring. Just another few more hours. I don’t really care what I do after work. I could be in this sort of mental fog for a while, which is a dangerous thing to say or think. My headache hasn’t gone away. I just don’t care that it hurts anymore. Cyclobenzaprine has limited use for me, unlike that Amitriptiylne, it’s still dangerous.

Should I flush the remaining Cyclobenzaprine?

Quotes: None.
Sources: My personal experiences.
Inspirations: This whole Tripping On series – see Amitriptyline and Sumatriptan – is useful for subjective experiences that have put me at the edge of my tolerance for sobriety.
Related: Other Sober Living essays.
Photo: My remaining pills.
Written On: December 3rd, 2019 [25 minutes, from 11:24pm to 11:49pm, Gdocs]
Last Edited: December 3rd, 2019 [Minor editing, so, second draft; final draft for the Internet.]
My big goal is writing. My most important goal is writing "The Story." All other goals should work toward that central goal. My proudest moment is the most recent time I overcame some fear, which should have been today. I'm a better zombie than I was yesterday. I'm not better than you and you're not better than me. Let's strive to be better every day.