[Sober Living] Tripping On Meloxicam

“Oh, cool, that nausea was actually a serious medical emergency… glad that’s cleared up.[1]” When I took Ondansetron for nausea that my nine+-day migraine induced, all it did was make everything worse, including give me nausea, serious stomach pain, and spread the headache to my neck, as I wrote about while experiencing it in the mostly-incoherent “Tripping On Ondansetron.” I’m not taking that anymore. Meloxicam, by comparison, isn’t as exciting. These headaches are still here…

Now I’m just closing my eyes frequently.

Without sunglasses, my eyes will burn within five minutes. I took only the Meloxicam before sleep and had a dream. The dream concluded with a section where I met this elderly man in a wheelchair that I offered to push around, he agreed, so we hung out for a while. We went to a pawn shop in a hospital that had a small videogame section, including a US SNES copy of FF6 with a sign advertising their copy of Earthworm Jim “64” where the cart had 65 written on it in a crappy hand-drawn reproduction, but before I could look at more of the videogames, we were off to the rest of the dream. I’m not sure if that was supposed to represent anything symbolic, but it’s the first dream I’ve had in a while.

Maybe that dream was a sign that my mind is starting to repair itself?

When I woke up, I was careful not to look at any lights at all – especially my smartphone – and found that my eyes had thoroughly rested, my migraine-based headache wasn’t sensating, and I actually overall felt alright. It’s been about two hours since then now. I’ve worn my sunglasses for almost the entire time and I’m trying to close my eyes more often. I have my eyes closed now and I’m finding this is helpful. I will need to type more often with my eyes closed, especially right now where I felt a wave of pain. After a breath or two, I’m feeling better.

I won’t be able to engage in digitally superfluous activities for a while.

I have to act with more intention. If I want to watch something, I now have an internal timeline before it gets to be too much for me. Even writing and editing like this are tricky. I am more patient with myself. I have to accept that the plans I set for myself may not happen. I will need to go back and edit some of my existing references to business plans, perhaps, because even though it’s not a big deal, I don’t have anything officially legally-established yet.

I was planning to have everything done by tax season.

Depending on how long these headaches last, how severe they continue to be, and what the medications do to me, I’ll have to defer all these plans.

I just had a bad migraine in both eyes.

As I went on that psychedelic journey through the migraine, where the lights in my eyes – I’ll have to read the technical terminology for this later, but the rods and cones in our eyes are, I think, what this is – shine line fireworks against the darkness of my closed eyes… well, I thought about how I’m glad that I have the few responsibilities as I do. If I worked a day shift or a busier job, I’d be fired for sure. Even these writings aren’t as important as keeping up my health. I know this. I just keep writing because I think this is valuable subjective information to contribute to the world.

I also thought about how useful those goosebumps I wrote about have helped.

For some reason, having minor waves of relaxing sensations have helped with most of them. I just had a strong headache pang at the front and center of my forehead that was more severe than anything I’ve experienced recently. Hopefully, that was just a one-off event. I don’t know how much more I can deal with these but I have to deal with these headaches.

I don’t get the luxury of sick leave.

When I left work last, I handed in both pages of paperwork from the urgent care doctor. The first one is the HIPAA-compliant page you may have seen where a doctor will outline restrictions for returning to work. The second one showed these medications and doctor’s notes about long-term care including recommending I see a neurologist or anyone to get brain scans to look for the root cause of the issue, all of which is covered by HIPAA. The first page is just like, ah, ok, bud, you just wanna chill more at work, gotcha, but the second page is like, oh.

Well, I don’t know how FMLA will work.

I’ve been with the company less than a year so they don’t need to guarantee I’ll get to keep my job. Frankly, as much as I liked the notion of being able to write on-the-clock [this was written on my time], over these past few days especially where I don’t even know if I’ll be able to keep my eyesight, since I’ll have to wear sunglasses while using computers probably for the rest of my life, I have fewer concerns over this job now. The only reason I want to keep this job now is to get all this medical shit fixed permanently. Let them fire me. As long as I can wear my glasses, I can go interview at other places, after I can count the number of days since last headache in the double digits, and I can get a job where maybe I won’t have as bad of headaches?

We’ll see.

Meanwhile, it’s time for me to get ready to go to work. I’m doing everything I can to keep it together, take care of myself, and don’t push myself. I’m so tired of all this but at least we’re moving forward, I suppose. Nothing else to do in life.

We should just keep on working toward better health.

Quotes: [1] My general mindset on all this.
Sources: My personal and professional experiences.
Inspirations: This “Tripping On [The American Healthcare System]” series was just kind of a convenient excuse to write about my general headache health, but now it’s turned into a medical diary of medications I’ve taken and their reactions. I swear I’m not trying to approach The Doors of Perception, of which I only read about half.
Related: Other Sober Living essays.
Photo: A photo of the bottom of the bottle.
Written On: 2020 January 07 [48 minutes, from 7:44pm to 8:32am with a few minutes of breaks or headache-breaks in between, written while listening to 13LOOD 1N + 13LOOD OUT MIXX, written in WordPress.]
Last Edited: 2020 January 12 [Removed some editorial marks, so second draft; final draft for the Internet.]
My big goal is writing. My most important goal is writing "The Story." All other goals should work toward that central goal. My proudest moment is the most recent time I overcame some fear, which should have been today. I'm a better zombie than I was yesterday. I'm not better than you and you're not better than me. Let's strive to be better every day.