[Sober Living] Tripping Over Calories

I’m not looking forward to my next weigh-in. I’ve been splurging on excessive calories for so long, I feel so bloated, and yet, up until recently, eating has been my only relief from these overwhelming mindbender headaches. It’s terrible, I know, and yet all I can do is just keep on snacking. Whenever the mildest pang of hunger strikes me, I didn’t have the willpower. Today was my first day without a headache in… well…

Did I just have another 11-day headache?

No wonder I had no willpower when it came to eating food. I was spending all my willpower not going crazy. Without being able to exercise to relieve the physical stress, without being able to focus clearly enough to write to relieve the mental stress, and with whatever gnarled sensation in wherever my body was screaming out in pain, I couldn’t do anything and was trapped in this endless cycle of pain, then more pain.

What a terrible fate to have fallen into without relief.

It’s nice to have gotten out of that cycle, but usually, it only lasts for about a day before it returns. I have enough of this anti-inflammatory to where I can hopefully decrease the pain sensors enough to work with the doctors to fix whatever’s gone wrong with my mind and body. Until then, I have to remember the hunger I feel right now isn’t actual hunger. My gut is probably just screaming out at me to stop working so hard, even though this is the first day I’ve felt good in ages, so I’m just trying to catch up at a slow pace.

I guess I should know better than to push myself too hard.

I’m going at a comfortable pace, equivalent to rowing at a light pace, but even still, I’m a few days away from getting back into rowing or doing anything other than chasing my caloric whims. If I don’t let my hunger get the better of me, then something deeper might try to gain control, and that just would be even worse. Although I want to burn off 20-some pounds to be under 200 pounds by the end of 2020, if I don’t achieve that goal, I won’t be heartbroken.

It’s just a good, healthy weight for me.

Now that I have a decent primary care physician with Doctor-Number-Eight, I think I’ll ask him these sorts of elementary questions like “what should my weight be?” and “I’m taking this blood pressure medication but it doesn’t seem to be helping with my blood pressure, should I try something else after this dosage is done?” If he’s good, then he should be able to advise me on what will work well for me. I know my Basal metabolic rate based on websites, but getting one specific to me, as administered by doctors trained in the field, would be helpful.

I don’t think the headaches were caused by caloric restrictions.

Starting now, it would be good to return to tracking my calories. I won’t intend to eat anything else before bed. If my headaches are under control tomorrow, I will return to eating my normal amount of calories at regular intervals. The thing I was struggling with most was feeling unsatiated by the calories I was consuming throughout the day. I never really did any cheat days, but I could see the effectiveness of this now that I’ve been counting calories long enough to see the ups and downs.

“Cheat day” is a bit of a misnomer.

It’s like how I can have some cheat days with my writing where, as long as I write an essay or over 500 words, I’m in the clear. I should ideally write two essays with over 1,000 words each daily to maintain a steady publication schedule, and I should write even more essays if I want to get ahead of the curve. I needed to dip into those cheat days through the worst of these headaches, and even then, I was able to juggle the thoughts well enough, I suppose. When I go back through and edit some of these essays, I’ll probably be struck with confusion, along with some agony that I had to suffer through all that.

I think I’d like to do more of something like cheat sessions.

This first day of health I’ve had in ages I spent cleaning up the apartment-mansion. I had to move some things around to have the maintenance crew over to fix some things that had laid in disrepair for months. At that, I cleared up some lingering physical projects, like I’ve been clearing out my backlog of half-written essays. I still have many projects to go, but I want to linger on these thoughts for a bit, because it feels great to have cleaned up a few of those projects that my eyes would run over with regret. I cleaned out one box of mixed memories, threw away the bad memories, and kept the good memories. I sifted through another box to send out.

I even read a good chunk of Heal Your Headache by David Buchholz, M.D..

It feels great having my focus back. With my concentration not spent trying to suppress the constant pain of whatever was ailing me, I can then focus on reading and actually understanding what I’m reading. I also enjoyed actually doing more than just sitting in my chair, trying to write, or doing anything to avoid thinking about my headaches. I made it through most of the day without splurging on food, too. When I did… that was probably when my mind said to myself that I’d done enough cleaning and sorting and project completing for the day. If tomorrow continues down the same path that today had, then I will be in the clear, and I’ll start to figure out my way back to good health. It will still be a few days before I feel comfortable exercising, however.

At least until after a physical therapist gives me the OK.

Quotes: None.
Sources: My personal experiences.
Inspirations: The title came to mind since this whole series has been about tripping or falling over various concepts along with medications.
Related: Other Sober Living essays and the “Tripping On [The American Healthcare System]” series.
Picture: Normally, I might sketch out something, but now, I’m fine with just a generic template.
Written On: 2020 January 29 [34 minutes, from 11:06pm to 11:40pm.]
Last Edited: 2020 January 29 [First draft; final draft for the Internet.]


My big goal is writing. My most important goal is writing "The Story." All other goals should work toward that central goal. My proudest moment is the most recent time I overcame some fear, which should have been today. I'm a better zombie than I was yesterday. I'm not better than you and you're not better than me. Let's strive to be better every day.