[Sober Living] Way Too High

What’s your comfortable limit? How much until you say to yourself “that’s enough” and actually call it enough? Do you know at what point you’ll go too far? For me (and possibly others), there’ll be an excuse planned out rather than a plan to excuse myself from the situation. We’ll take it as far as it’ll last. Even Wednesday, with an endlessly refilled coffee cup, I know I still have improvement room with my resolve.

I can’t get way too high.

That would imply I’d care about the next 30 minutes or the next day. Too much coffee to drink? I’ll just sit in a caffeinated stupor and listen to a conversation as my mind and body find some cohesion. My mind on too much alcohol or anything else is the same, except it’s not a friendly come down. It’s a fight against myself and sometimes I’ll arrive the next morning unscathed.

So why not just pace or limit myself?

That’s the problem. There’s never “enough.” There is no off-switch. No sense that it’s time to call it a day. No alarm to wake me up and no buzzer saying time’s up. The next day it’ll be more important to me than anything else. I’ll skip out on doing anything else. Nothing else in the world will be more interesting or worthwhile than returning to another alcoholic drink or anything else.

Even close to five years later, I know it to be true.

It’s in the little behavioral patterns like drinking too much coffee. Eating too much as a coping mechanism. Not being bothered by the smell of nicotine. Acting recklessly toward myself or others. These are signals that we often ignore because we distract ourselves by entertainment or excess. Everything done beyond moderation can be a problem. I guess including moderation…

So for me, it’s better not to start.

If I’ve had a glass, it’s easy to have another. Well’s open! If you brew up something fierce and keep returning, I’ll keep drinking until I’m done, which is usually well past the point in which I’m feeling it comfortably. That comfortable limit is like driving down the highway and mistakenly driving past your exit. Your next exit might be another few miles down and there’s no U-turn.

So you have a few options.

You could continually resign yourself to a road trip down this insobriety highway, nearly crash into the first thing you find in an attempt to get off that highway, or don’t drive in the first place. If you’re going to drive dangerously as your default, why do it? There might be driving schools to adjust your insobriety driving behaviors. Chances are slim that this would be successful.

Of course, the problem is, we keep wanting to drive.

I know that if I’m not allowed on the insobriety highway, I’ll take as many surface streets of insobriety as I can find to see where they lead me. Coffee’s an innocent one.

“No, I’ve had enough, but thank you[1].”

Sources: None

Quotes: [1] Me

Inspirations: Intense thoughts coming down from a good coffee buzz, then polished up. Title from the related article.

Related: “Way To High

My big goal is writing. My most important goal is writing "The Story." All other goals should work toward that central goal. My proudest moment is the most recent time I overcame some fear, which should have been today. I'm a better zombie than I was yesterday. I'm not better than you and you're not better than me. Let's strive to be better every day.