It’s taken most of today, sleeping, dealing with new and old pains, and reaching out to people to ask for their help only to receive no response, but I’m feeling a little better. I’ve regained some of my appetite, even though it by no means is anywhere strong enough to risk my health to go get fast food, so a lot of it is me just sitting here, waiting for the headache to mercifully subside.
I worry that I won’t get relief.
It’s been almost a week since I reached out to the pain management doctor, so today, I provided a summary of what was going on and asked them if they recommend I see a different doctor. That would probably be the best way to go if it will take some weeks or months to get any sort of help navigating my new and reappearing pain symptoms. They billed me over $500 for the injections that only lasted for two weeks, and my insurance company was quick to tell me tough luck on that, but that doesn’t fix my problems long-term. The doctor’s office has not replied to any of my messages outside of the first one, and I doubt they’ll do so outside of a luxurious time frame – theirs – because especially now that I’ve told them their grand medical scheme didn’t even work for the time frame that others told me – they wouldn’t tell me how long it would last, perhaps because they were hoping it would last longer, so I’m stuck.
I feel sick and it doesn’t feel like I’ll get better.
The most I can really do right now besides desperately advocate for my health is accept this misery. I feel so sick right now. I feel so tired that I sleep through most of these past few days. I can barely move around. I can’t string together coherent thoughts to write out. I spell words wrong. My Backspace key is getting plenty of use. Everything I’ve tried outside of taking more Oxycodone than necessary doesn’t seem to help, and that’s only a temporary thing. I haven’t taken any of the pain management medicine today, opting instead to sleep for most of the day in bed and waking up to awful headache pain, because the American Healthcare System would love to dump me in the gutter as opposed to actually helping me out. The doctors I’ve met have all shrugged their shoulders at me, and although they admit my case is complicated, they would much prefer dumping me as a problem onto another doctor, then another doctor, so there is no real relief. I don’t know what to do anymore. I hurt so much and I’m unable to do almost anything outside of sitting here to write or watch videos to force my mind to escape that all I do is wait until the next disappointing email.
My tailbone hurts so much.
I’m so sick and tired of all of this pain that will probably remain with me for the rest of my life, this headache that’s returned with a certain violent vengeance, and all of this is met with apathy. This is the American Healthcare System to me. You might say COVID regulations are clogging up the system, but I think that’s a lie. I’ve met many doctors that seem disinterested or unconcerned about COVID within their discipline. I don’t feel like I’m being treated fairly and it’s frustrating. I don’t think I’m ever going to get better. Especially after having my spine flare up as it did on Monday, I feel like I’m going to have brief respites from pain but otherwise I should expect to live a painful life forever.
It’s so tiring.
I don’t want to write much else today. I don’t feel like this is a positive thing. I’ve been billed by a hospital for treatment that only lasted for two weeks and my insurance has told me some convoluted wording where they read off the screenshot I sent them. I don’t care if I pay $500 for medical treatment, it just shouldn’t be temporary medical treatment. What kind of garbage is that? On the one hand, it was nice to get two weeks of temporary relief, so maybe that $500 was worth the over $35 per day, but, it’s taken me to a lower point than I was at before. My left leg is number and my left hand and arm are beginning to experience that same numbness. I can still type somewhat, but the feeling is less autonomous.
I hate this.
It feels unfair that I’ve spent all of my life learning everything that I have about writing and personal development, practicing each day to better myself and help those around me, and this is the sort of thanks I get from the universe. I’ve tried my best to better my community! I maybe couldn’t have done it all, and maybe I should have done more, but I never acted with the sort of hatred that should deserve this fate, and yet, here I am, living in America but feeling like the land of opportunity has sailed off without me. I hate that I had this rental health and now when I try to get any answers about what to do next – silence. I have accepted that I won’t be able to hike – watching hiking videos never feels good to me now. I have accepted many areas of my life that won’t be possible, but each day, I feel less and less able to do basic tasks. Does this fill the American Healthcare System with pride? Am I just another satisfied customer for them to say “well, that stupid fucker was too rude for asking one too many times for help with his care, he deserves every problem he’s got now, and, here’s the bill. Thanks for your patronage.” That’s how it feels for me. I don’t feel like I’ll get my health back.
The most I can do now is keep fighting.
|Sources: My personal experiences.|
|Inspirations: Dealing with my rental healthcare.|
|Related: Sober Living essays and Tripping On [The American Healthcare System] chapters.|
|Written On: 2021 April 15 [11:23pm to 11:51pm]|
|Last Edited: 2021 April 15 [First draft; final draft for the Internet.]|