[Tripping On…] Nine Years Sober

My-Today is the 9th anniversary of my sobriety. I forgot to write this in a way to where I would publish in March, but whatever. With my health problems being as bad as they are, it’s been a constant struggle against trying to figure out how to fix my issues. In the podcast we did today, I talked about being sober for nine years. There’s no life-changingly fantastic insights, but, there are many minor insights.

That said, we covered a plethora of ground related to sobriety.

I’ve been under an incredible amount of stress with all the pain I’m in, so it was helpful taking this day to talk about something that’s kept me in the right direction. Whenever anything else has failed me, so long as I kept to this line of sobriety, at least that won’t go wrong. It’s tough, especially on days like today where I am in a lot of physical pain and there isn’t much relief, but there are some nice things, too. Talking with online friends about things in life that affect us, either on a large and small scale, and, more importantly, finding ways to tie sobriety to other topics.

This is where remembering we’re not alone is helpful.

We may be alone in many areas of our lives, and we might feel shame in many aspects of that. I have been shamed because of my disabilities and my sobriety by many people. I have been shamed by family, friends, and healthcare professionals about my disabilities in many ways. It’s good to write about feeling victimized to process those feelings, but, only if those writings and conversations act toward overcoming that victimhood. There is nothing I can do to change my current situation under my own powers. I don’t have the medicine nor the resources to aid in my recovery. What I can control is my level of knowledge about my healthcare, and, adding to that knowledge pool means that I can process information more readily.

I can refuse diagnoses even through intense pain.

For the Complex Regional Pain Syndrome diagnosis I received last week, I wonder if the doctor thought my case was complicated, especially regarding pain, and drew the dots together in that way, rather than considering any additional options. This would explain why, when I questioned the diagnosis, I was shut down. There was probably an element of insecurity with this doctor, so, I’m going to be returning to the drawing board with my newest primary care physician. This PCP appointment was delayed because of my car problems, which, had I known I could ask for a wheelchair after the neurologist, could have been handled then, rather than when I needed it most, but, we can’t change the past.

I left a voicemail, apologizing, and asked for a new appointment.

I talked with the foot doctor to ask about if we could do any remote conversations prior to doing anything like an injection. At this point, anything will be better than the no assistance route that my now-previous pain doctor wanted to go – no assistance until the injection, which, no doubt would relieve pain symptoms because any injection provides temporary relief, then leading into an expensive surgery? Yeah, right, dude, fuck off. But at least for the foot, it might work, since it’s only been happening for a few months now, and it won’t be blocked by the idea of needing to be a pre-requisite for surgery.

My-Tomorrow, I will keep on acting toward my best health opportunities.

I’ve been doing recordings where I live-research the materials that relate or might relate to my patient care, and, I keep an image of all the stuff I need to research there. By the time I’m done filling in all of that stuff, I will have amassed an incredible – for patients – sum of knowledge regarding healthcare that will allow me to, even despite my intense pain, not get swindled by someone looking to add another problem onto my list of problems.

I will keep trying toward getting my health fixed.

I have nothing else I can do. I can’t work. I can barely function. I lose more and more physicality each month, maybe even each week, but it seems like I am never considered worthwhile for any sort of good treatment route. It’s not one doctor’s problem, so it’s another doctor’s problem, and oh, that doctor has a waiting list, but don’t worry, that doctor’s the best in the …building, so, you’re in good hands! If my health holds until my tenth year of sobriety, it will have been through my own effort to do the best I can in this regard.

I know inebriation won’t fix or solve my problems.

Even temporary relief will have side effects and problems. I know my case is complicated and I know that there are many aspects to it, which is where I need to study what is happening and where, but it’s so terribly difficult when each time I see a doctor, I feel like my life is considered less and less valuable. Each appointment decreases my overall health. I have to advocate for my life and each time I feel demeaned. I don’t know what the fix is, but I know that it won’t be through dealing with people that can look me in the eyes, look at my physicality, my pain levels, and feel indifference. I know that there’s no use asking these doctors to think of loved ones when thinking of me, because, why? The loved ones that these doctors have is money, and not family, so, how dare I interrupt a doctor’s cash flow?

The second guesses might make me wonder if I’m being unreasonable.

Then spikes of pain hit my body in various areas – two sentences ago, it was in my T7, right side. That minor flare-up came and went. I should note these spots more often. If there’s an unturned stone, I’ll find it.

I have to, unfortunately.

Endtable
Quotes: None
Sources: My personal experiences
Inspirations: Despite trying to focus on positives, my health leads me into negatives.
Related: Sober Living essays and Tripping On [The American Healthcare System] chapters.
Picture: Template
Written On: 2022 March 29 [11pm to 11:27pm]
Last Edited: 2022 March 29 [First draft; final draft for the Internet.]

 

My big goal is writing. My most important goal is writing "The Story." All other goals should work toward that central goal. My proudest moment is the most recent time I overcame some fear, which should have been today. I'm a better zombie than I was yesterday. I'm not better than you and you're not better than me. Let's strive to be better every day.