Today I was to call about health insurance assistance, but I did not, because the thought of going through all the trauma I experienced as a patient of the American Healthcare System is not something I felt emotionally equipped to handle. Will I feel more like it tomorrow? I honestly slept through most of the day, partially because I wasn’t feeling physically well, and partially for the emotional sensation of banging my head against healthcare.
When I’m not doing things related to healthcare, I’m still physically miserable.
But I don’t have to deal with the emotional misery of dredging through all of my thoughts related to all the doctors I’ve seen. They couldn’t figure out what was wrong, so rather than treat me like a human being worthy of respect, they probably all wrote me off as a stupid junkie. It’s frustrating realizing that but I can state it outright when I talk with a representative, whenever I do, and tell them about how poorly these doctors had treated me or mishandled my care. I won’t give them the respect or charity that most people feel they deserve, because they didn’t do right by me.
I have lost many things in my life because of my ailing health.
If a doctor that is in charge of my health cannot acknowledge this at all, they do not deserve my respect at all. Why would I consider them an entity worth any degree of respect if they cannot do the same to me? I know I write about this perhaps too much, and without much evidence, but these are the emotions that I’m processing. It is a deep, dark place where I have placed a substantial amount of trust over to someone else that has then done not much at all to serve. It is on days like today that I really hate my life and everything in it. Nothing will make me feel better. These doctors will continue to win awards for their service to some patients while ignoring patients like me with complicated cases. I don’t know what I’m going to do, but on a day like today, dealing with all of that was an awful thing to consider or try to work toward.
I don’t have the energy I did months ago.
I don’t have the ability to navigate through the American Healthcare System as well as I did a year ago. I know I still have plenty to lose, but I feel each day like I’m less and less likely to get better. I’m not having fun with all of this, and I want the pain to subside. I know that I’ll never be able to do almost anything I might have wanted to do two years ago. I feel my health has been stolen away from me by all of these doctors that pretend to care about patients. I feel sick and tired of dealing with all of this.
Maybe tomorrow will be a better healthcare day?
|Sources: My personal experiences.|
|Inspirations: Writing about how things are going for me. A shorter essay because my body is hurting too much to want to write more.|
|Related: Sober Living essays and Tripping On [The American Healthcare System] chapters.|
|Written On: 2021 July 12 [10pm to 10:10pm]|
|Last Edited: 2021 July 12 [First draft; final draft for the Internet.]|