[Tripping On…] Avoiding Patient Caring

If I could summarize today’s meeting with the sports medicine doctor, emailing the spine doctor’s office, and a phone call with the sports medicine doctor’s office, it would be this: both parties seem to be trying urgently to avoid taking care of my patient care. I’m beginning to call them out on this and I think it’s making some progress. If I continue, they’ll either kick me out or treat me as a human being.

I don’t know why this is so difficult.

I don’t know why both of these doctors can’t communicate with each other or at least decide where their care starts and ends. I don’t care, myself, if I have to see two doctors for two different roles. What I do care about is how the pain management doctor ejected himself from any dealings with me because of the same reason as the previous pain management doctor. It’s a spine problem! So if it is a spine problem, then who takes care of my spine? The “spine” doctor, which is to say the surgeon’s office, or the sports medicine doctor, who could figure out ways to address the physicality around my spine?

This definitely feels like a ‘lesser of two evils’ situation for me.

Ideally, fucking fire both of these asshole doctors and their offices. Throw them into court for malpractice and ship them along with all the other asshole doctors that have treated me with such little respect to a fucking island to go rot. Or at least, they deserve the same treatment that they gave me, which may be a fate far worse than that. Here I am, barely able to walk at a pace that goes beyond moving one foot half the measurement of my foot in front of the other at home without seriously feeling major pain, and there they are, acting as though they are treating patients well.

I’ve been wondering whether I’m catching onto something more serious.

Are my experiences unique? I doubt I am a special person in this process. Though the sports medicine doctor’s office did call me to say that they would like a MRI to be ordered of my lower back, they told me that they would like The Spine Surgeon’s Office to order this MRI. I suppose that way if they find a surgical issue, then that’s their problem. What a fucking nightmare I have to endure. These people don’t care about my health in the slightest. They’re playing hot potato with my life. The sports medicine doctor couldn’t care less about my health. All he wants is to avoid having to deal with me as a patient, and if that means deflecting blame however possible, then that’s how it’s going to get me off his plate and onto someone else’s plate.

This is an awful situation to be in.

I am so lost and confused through all of this. I went to bed to rest and when I awoke I continued to have severe pain and decreased physicality. At least before meeting with the sports medicine doctor today, I could walk around at an acceptable pace. That is gone. When the doctor was going through a rigorous physical examination, it got to a point where he asked where the pain was, and I couldn’t tell him anymore. It was all over my body. He was mad that I couldn’t answer him on where the pain was.

And yet this process is my best hope for ever recovering my physicality.

I really desperately need to escape this physical pain that no doctor seems to believe actually exists. I told this sports medicine doctor that my old primary care physician refused to assist any more and told me I needed to go back to work. I told him about how the old spine doctor, the one that did the surgery, refused to tell me what was going on when I woke up numb from surgery and remained unable to move my fingers and toes for nearly an entire day. I asked him for a referral to another pain management doctor and he took that as me asking him for narcotics, to which I said no, but how can I try to talk to someone that has already misheard and tried their best to place me into a false box?

This meeting took a lot of life out of me.

When I got home, bathed, then went to bed, my heart was pounding. My blood pressure had been 130 when I got my blood pressure checked by a nurse. When I got into bed, it felt like my heart was going to explode and I was going to die. Wouldn’t that be more convenient for these doctors? They are fucking worthless human beings for pushing me to even think about things like that and their behavior is contemptible. I am wondering if that’s something that’s been baked into me by society? Trusting people in roles rather than trusting the people?

A doctor should not be trusted because they are a doctor.

A doctor should be trusted because of the skillset that they have acquired. I think back to my career and the number of people that have lied their ways into various roles. I think doctors are no different. They’ve done so much to work their way through the system that when faced with a challenging situation, they have no choice but to try to deflect responsibility as much as possible. Why would the sports medicine doctor be concerned about my spine? He’s only concerned about the physical side of the human body. Why would the spine surgeon’s office be concerned about my spine? It’s a sports medicine issue. Why would the pain management doctor be concerned about my pain? It must be a psychological problem that needs to be addressed by someone else. Writing this was helpful in relieving this stress and summarizing my thoughts…

Tomorrow, I’ll be more direct with stating these doctors are avoiding patient care.

Quotes: None.
Sources: My personal experiences.
Inspirations: The title came to mind as a sufficient summary of my current situation.
Related: Sober Living essays and Tripping On [The American Healthcare System] chapters.
Picture: Template
Written On: 2020 November 11 [9pm to 9:28pm]
Last Edited: 2020 November 11 [First draft; final draft for the Internet.]


My big goal is writing. My most important goal is writing "The Story." All other goals should work toward that central goal. My proudest moment is the most recent time I overcame some fear, which should have been today. I'm a better zombie than I was yesterday. I'm not better than you and you're not better than me. Let's strive to be better every day.