I haven’t made much progress with my health this week and things have been generally going wrong for me. I’m sure if I try to look at things from a brighter perspective, I could probably find some value in what’s been happening over the past week, but, I feel more consumed by the darkness of the bad luck I’ve been experiencing, and although there are many options, they feel almost fleeting and imaginary to me.
I don’t want to speak directly about most of these things.
Maybe in time those details can be pieced together, but for now, it feels like I had a long string of good luck – perhaps starting with the chiropractor – that’s now starting to close as the chiropractor might be feeling a sense in my health plateauing. He admitted to me today that my case was extreme in how bad my health had gone, in how I can barely do much of any of the physical exercises he recommends now but I’ve been able to do more of the ones he recommended before, so maybe he’s frustrated that I’m still using my crutches.
Let’s talk about my mobility aids and when I use them.
If my body is well-rested and not experiencing severe inflammatory pain, then I can walk around my apartment without much issue without my in-apartment cane. I have an out-apartment cane that I sometimes use if the trip is going to be less intensive. When I go to the grocery store, I can walk using shopping carts, but I didn’t go after my chiropractic appointment today because I was too wiped out after Wednesday’s appointment and I correctly guessed the same today. I went home, bathed, and slept for many hours. I’m still tired now. When I get out there for longer trips, to say the chiropractor, then I’ll use my crutches so I can walk at a faster pace. My left leg is the weaker one so I hold it up somewhat when I use my crutches, and I can go at a faster pace, but it’s still a judgment thing.
That’s probably why I feel so down.
I’m judged whether I use my crutches, a cane, or walk at the slow pace I walk if I don’t use mobility aids. I’m judged for using pain management medicine and I’m judged for sleeping off the pain I experience from not using pain management medicine. I feel ostracized by the American Healthcare System that was supposed to help me through this process. It’s made me physically and mentally weak thinking about all of this over the past week. I’ve been eating more junk food, escaping into junk media, and generally not being productive with my physicality or my overall recovery. I don’t feel confident in myself and I don’t feel like I’ll recover.
I know I’ll never be 100% again and I’m fine with that.
Up until this past week, I felt like I could have gotten to around 50% – that would be good enough of a life to life, where I could still accomplish most of what I want to do in life, and the rest of that heavy-lifting, heavy-mobility stuff could just be me accepting that my body is no longer capable of that – but now I feel like I’m lucky if I can get to 20% of how I was 14-some months ago. It’s a deep, dark, situational depression that I feel where I emotionally don’t feel like I can get out of this. I know that I should logic my way out of this by telling myself it’s going to be OK, and showing how it can be done, but this feeling that I’m expressing now is almost encouraged by the American Healthcare System.
I would just be treated with antidepressants if I talked to anyone about this.
I am not confident anymore that even the chiropractic work alone will help. I imagine, given sufficient time, it is possible, but on some days I leave feeling worse than when I went in. Some days, I feel like I’m going to get better, and other days, I don’t. The medicine side seems to have forsaken me – they don’t feel like there’s anything wrong with me, and because the medicine side doesn’t believe in the physical side of things, the chiropractic assistance is almost portrayed as occultist bullshit that they can see working but they don’t respect. So I feel like I’m betrayed, then, when even the chiropractor I’m working with where I’ve made progress started off a conversation with how he’s not discharging me.
I don’t feel like writing 1,000 words today either, so I’ll stop it here.
|Sources: My personal experiences.|
|Inspirations: Writing about my stupid life.|
|Related: Sober Living essays and Tripping On [The American Healthcare System] chapters.|
|Written On: 2021 May 21 [11:05pm to 11:23pm]|
|Last Edited: 2021 May 21 [First draft; final draft for the Internet.]|