I woke up today and thought to myself, ‘hey, I don’t feel terrible, I should probably go bathe for the first time in over a week.’ Now, that was a big mistake on my part, because I’m feeling awful now. I barely have the energy to write this essay, let alone tackle any of the tasks that are piling up over my head and suffocating my consciousness. Bills to call about or pay… Must… rest…
I barely have the energy to think much here, so you’ll have to excuse me.
This essay will just represent my efforts toward thinking of how I can get by until we figure out what’s going wrong. I have a MRI appointment in two days to look at my lower back area. This is one of the worst areas of pain for me. I didn’t have much problem bathing, exactly, but as soon as I started to walk around, that motion must have caused a terrible strain on my lower back because it hurt too much to want to write about here. I am and I will though for the sake of documentation, but, between that and the sensation I get that’s making my left eye tear up from pain from sitting here, I am not having a fun time.
I should not have let into my earthly vessel’s need for sanitation.
Were it not for my current normal of constant pain that is barely tolerable, and it’s only tolerable beacuse the American Healthcare System has actively forced me into this level of pain this much and without any sympathy for as long as I have to the point where I could probably be hit by a train and feel better, I would bathe daily. There might be some days where, if I’m being honest, I wouldn’t bathe every single day. If I didn’t have to go out and I didn’t feel especially great, what’s the point? However, this was the first day in over a week where I felt like I could get away with bathing, sneak by the pain gods, and steal back some of my sanitation. Oh, how wrong I was to be so arrogant into considering myself human enough to wash my flesh of its grime.
I am in so much pain right now.
MY finger tips are numb and my entire body hurts with such pain that I have no choice but to write as fast as I can – I am writing this with my eyes closed because I have lost the energy to write with my eyes open – so you’ll have to excuse the typoes – and I am doing this because this is the most that I can do to write today before going to bed.
My left arm hurts so much.
I don’t know how I will find the eenergy to write the remainder of this essay. Will I finish it tomorrow? Is that what I will need to do to complete this essay? I don’t think that I want to keep writing anymore and yet hereI am.
I’m going to stop wrtiing for today.
I was able to sleep off most of that negative sensation over the course of a two-hour nap. It will still be a few days before I can feel normal like I did when I woke up previously, but that’s the problem with this situation I’m in. Until we get a diagnosis and an answer, I probably shouldn’t do much of anything that could potentially aggravate whatever’s gone wrong. I wonder how much of it has to do with the process of changing clothes? Prior to my bathing yesterday, I didn’t change my shirt for days – disgusting, yes – but I did change my underwear. Changing my underwear, and using the restroom, doesn’t seem to aggravate whatever’s wrong with my body.
Does that mean there’s something I’m doing with changing shirts that’s hurting me?
That’s about the most speculation I feel comfortable digging into right now, since any more, and it will be a situation where I’ll feel hopeless and victimized by what’s going on with me. I can’t really enjoy much at length. I can’t really play any involved story-based or skill-based videogames, read, or watch any shows or movies. I guess other than my Minecraft builds, because I’m in a more critical state now with my severe pain. When I take painkillers to moderate my pain symptoms, sure, that does help with my enjoyment of media, but that gets into addictive behavior.
There’s no real positive ground to be had here until my follow-up appointment.
At that time, I will have gone to the spine surgeon’s office to have their technician do a MRI, which should hopefully point to an answer for me. If not, then I’ll go back to the insurance company to ask them for help. I think that’s going to be the way that I get this problem treated. If I just rely on one source and one solution, then that can fail me. If I, instead, realize that in the folly of humanity, caused by the hubris of business, if I can then force the hands of these businesses – they are losing money by having to pay into my healthcare – then I can, eventually, find a cure to my daily, overwhelming spine pain.
That is to say that if I don’t have an answer by this essay’s publication.
The nice thing about having a nearly two-month publication buffer is that I don’t have to make a mad dash for publishing at least two essays daily, but, it gets a little confusing for readers that don’t see the Endtable notes about when I wrote these essays, or even if they do, I might write non-sequentially for narrative convenience. I’m writing that aside to conclude this essay perhaps as a way to remind readers how difficult of a process this has been for my health.
But not for writing, I love writing; even through dredging along these more difficult topics…
|Sources: My personal experiences|
|Inspirations: Throughout these essays, I’ve been able to find the content to write materials merely through being honest about what I’m going through. It might be vulgar, but let’s face it, that can often times be honest.|
|Related: Sober Living essays and Tripping On [The American Healthcare System] chapters.|
|Written On: 2020 November 23 [7:42pm to “stop wrtiing for today” at 7:55pm] November 24 [Midnight to 12:12am]|
|Last Edited: 2020 November 24 [First draft; final draft for the Internet.]|