[Tripping On…] Deceptiveness Of Appetite

At 12:51am, I wrote “immediately after eating the clam chowder,” I had debated making in yesterday’s essay, and I was going to continue by saying that my appetite had been restored. It’s just before 6am now. I ate some food, but the thing about having lived in constant pain for so long is that fatigue, hunger, and general consciousness blend together. I could stay awake for five days without sleep and not even feel tired.

I suppose it will take some time to recover all of these sensations.

There are benefits, of course, because even though I ended up sleeping most of yesterday to justify being up through the night, I could do this again now that I’ve done it before. It might be nicer to not have to rely on this notion of comfortably staying awake over thirty hours at a time, but what can I say?

I’ve experienced living without a constant appetite.

That’s probably why I put on so much weight years ago, and why I had such trouble burning it off, where now, I struggle to eat food, and feel satiated with far less than what I should actually be eating. That’s where, similar to fatigue, I wonder if I’ll ever return to that sort of pre-hurt sensation where I’d struggle through hunger? I’m sure a few abusive days at work will put that all into order, where I will once again stress-eat. Now that’s an interesting thought. I haven’t experienced that sort of deeply troubling stress I would get at work, sometimes from callers, sometimes from managers, that could only be solved through binge-eating.

How will my body react to returning to that stress?

I have had different stresses. I looked over, subconsciously, at a letter concerning my leave of absence in regards to my insurance. A substantial reason why I will go back to work at this stressful employer is because of my health insurance. Without this insurance, I would have surely paid much more than I already have; the several hundreds I’ve paid over the past two months could have easily been several thousand. Just as all the property I own that I don’t much care about, where this property has weighed me down to this expensive apartment-mansion, were I to move somewhere cheaper, I could save money every month, this job, equally serves to inspire and resolve my health problems.

Especially given current events, is there any truly secure living situation?

Businesses are reopening in this month of June that I’m writing this essay, so I suppose in August when I’m publishing this essay, things will be more reasonable. I should have my health back, and I may have even sold some things. Will I still have my same job? Will it be the same amount of stress as it was before? The physicality will surely have been resolved, whether it’s in a work-from-home capacity or a work-in-the-office capacity, so then it’s a matter of not letting these crudely rude callers bother me much more than the necessary information gathering.

I thought about this as I was driving home from picking up medicine.

Part of the American Healthcare System necessitates employer-supported insurance. There are independent insurers. This job, particularly, has helped me deal with people more because there is a much larger likelihood that I’ll get someone that’s volatile. Compared to all my other jobs, throughout all my years doing technical support, my current customers are the least professional most consistently. When shifting to writing more publicly, when I do, I’m sure I’ll also get the sort of people with crudely rude attitudes. The easiest approach is to ignore them.

I blocked one of these people today in ENDLESS WAR.

There will be more people like this, and more people that will either directly, or indirectly like this person, annoy me, so it’s far better to practice my tolerances toward them now, rather than wait to learn how to overcome these personalities. Does blocking people make me spineless? Considering that my spine has ruined my appetite toward basic foods that I once enjoyed, I would say that practicing a stronger backbone would be good, but it shouldn’t be necessary.

We shouldn’t have to deal with terrible people consistently.

Many people do, because many people will choose to take out their angers on whoever they see. I know I’ve done this by mistake, so I’m not perfect at this. If I may say so, this is the one silver-living to this whole two-month pain ordeal. I’ve only had to interact with a scant few people, compared to normal, and it’s been wonderful. After we all sheltered in place, my friends reached out to make sure I was doing well, then after that, I’ve been left alone.

Being alone is truly the greatest freedom that I can enjoy.

Were it not for my spine’s condition, these past two months would have been perfect for me. I would have cleared out my apartment-mansion. But the time I spent I did not waste. I used it in many capacities to explore fascets of myself I’d always wanted to explore. I will continue to strengthen my physicality and mentality over the next few weeks. Maybe when I return, I will have fully realized some sort of mentality to have when I deal with these truly terrible individuals that are probably crying out in their own personal miseries and have decided to make me a target.

This person I blocked, let me say a word on that.

When this person joined, immediately they started talking trash about everyone, focusing on me for no reason. After saying some incoherently bitter things, they focused their animosity on other people. Years ago, I would have been more offended than I am now. Now, I blocked them, so it’s done. Griefers shouldn’t ruin my environment or appetite.

I suppose my solution for dealing with real-life griefers like that is mentally blocking them.

Quotes: None.
Sources: My personal and professional experiences.
Inspirations: The title came to mind as a sort of part-two to “Pain Reduces Appetite.” The griefer example came to mind randomly, but served as a good example for personal and professional experiences.
Related: Sober Living essays and Tripping On [The American Healthcare System] chapters.
Picture: Template
Written On: 2020 June 14 [5:45~am to 6:18am]
Last Edited: 2020 June 14 [First draft; final draft for the Internet.]
My big goal is writing. My most important goal is writing "The Story." All other goals should work toward that central goal. My proudest moment is the most recent time I overcame some fear, which should have been today. I'm a better zombie than I was yesterday. I'm not better than you and you're not better than me. Let's strive to be better every day.