It’s been rough for me to deal with all the loops I have to jump through to get my health sorted out when my health is in such disrepair. I would imagine there must be some sort of sadism involved because if it’s not one thing, it’s another, and if it’s not one battle to fight, it’s another. I barely have the energy to hold a small box without my spine hurting for hours after.
I don’t know what’s going to happen.
I try to do the best I can to keep myself in positive feelings, but this physicality keeps bringing me deeper and deeper. It hurts so much right now that I have trouble concentrating. I’ve been getting increasingly more aggressive, angry, and less patient the longer this has gone on.
It’s been the worst today.
I’m writing this essay at nearly midnight. I couldn’t sleep last night so I poured all of my concentration, that otherwise would have been spent in pain, on my drawing projects. As of a few minutes before starting this essay, all of those pictures are done. I will look through those pictures once more to see if there are any glaring mistakes, write some things for them, and publish them for the contest.
I’ll write essays about my processes for them later.
I’m much too tired to deal with much else right now, so when I do my escapist things like drawing or playing videogames, what they do is put a smile on my face when otherwise I would be living in misery. Maybe that’s why it’s more difficult for me to write than it is for me to do anything else like that, because when I do, there’s no focus on life or anything else. I can just-
What was I just writing about?
This is going to be a difficult essay to finish I think because this pain is getting severe now. It is hard for me to focus. The pain is starting on my right side, just up from my butt, and goes all the way up to my head, like a lightning rod. I’m trying to move my spine around to try to get it into a nicer angle. I might have found something but it’s still a dull, throbbing pain. I don’t have the energy to eat, let alone cook anything for myself, and explaining everything for the hundredth time to these insurance people is awful.
I should be eating much more.
But I just don’t have the strength to do so, really, and even right now, I barely have the ability to focus through this pain, and I’m barely halfway through the essay. I don’t even know how I’ll be able to summon the strength to finish this essay. Maybe I’ll try publishing those pictures, then returning to this essay? I thought about doing that all at once, and being available for any artist’s commentary, so probably not.
Escapism is nice because it might reinvigorate your energy.
It might take all the negative energy that I was feeling above and then transform that energy into something more positive. That might be the way I can do this. I wrote yesterday about how I try to do things in 10-minute reward chunks. When life gets too overwhelming, like it has been for me recently, this has been an effective way for me to deal with life. It does take a lot of energy, though, and it’s been rough for me lately. I might occasionally feel good enough to do some things, but I still can’t do much.
When I think about the medical aspect of my situation, it’s overwhelming.
That might be what I’ve been trying to avoid, and by avoiding it, my back has been healing – but only somewhat. The pain is still there and it’s severe, but these past few weeks, or whatever, I’ve been able to manage. Yeah, that’s the thing. I’ve had no empathetic doctors interested in helping me fix this issue throughout this process so I have to wait for it to heal on my own, and the result is a slow-burning heal where-
The pain is still overwhelming but I’m almost there.
The thing about pain like this is it masks hunger. I am still hungry but I don’t feel pangs of hunger. I feel pangs of pain instead, so the only sensations going through my body right now aren’t thinking about eating any food, it’s, wow, I’m in an incredible amount of pain that is barely tolerable. I can only tolerate it because my goal is to complete this essay, post those pictures, then go to sleep.
If I do things that distract me, either from those goals or from the pain, it helps, I guess.
Tomorrow, I will try to catch up on the medical things that I missed out on today, partially because I slept through them, because when it comes to back pain like this, you don’t go to sleep at normal hours, unless you take sleep medication, you go to sleep when your mind and body are so thoroughly exhausted that you are about to fall asleep in your chair. Otherwise, as I often experience, I will lie in bed for hours at a time. Even if prior to going to sleep I felt exhausted, no, my spine will have been in such a pain that similar to not feeling hungry, I don’t feel tired.
Fatigue washes away when rinsed in the waters of pain.
I don’t know if there’s anything that can be done, based on the doctors that have not wanted to help me out to the degrees they have, so I suppose the only things I can do now is just live with this suffering, because it seems like there will be no relief. I am so tired and yet I know that if I went to sleep now, I wouldn’t be able to sleep.
I feel so numb and yet so painfully drained.
|Sources: My personal experiences.|
|Inspirations: My personal experiences.|
|Related: Sober Living essays and Tripping On [The American Healthcare System] chapters.|
|Written On: 2020 July 23 [10:56pm to 11:30pm]|
|Last Edited: 2020 July 23 [First draft; final draft for the Internet.]|