How admirable is the pursuit of sobriety? On its surface, there are no disadvantages, because abstinence from a harmful substance that hurt self and others can lead to a reformed lifestyle. What if, however, the work that can patch up these ailments are worse than the original pain itself? When I consider my years of sobriety, and how meaningful and meaningless it has been to me, I can say I’ve learned but I’ve also suffered.
When I write these essays, I tend to be more in the suffering mentality.
I tend to think less about the overall good it’s done for myself and others and more about how in these sorts of moments, I have these fundamental human problems that will never go away. There will always be this deep sadness deep inside me. The most I can do to is work through these pains, physical and mental, emotional… and whatever.
I’ve been awake for over twenty-four hours.
I can’t sleep. When I lay down to sleep on my back, I lay there. The only way I’ve been able to get any sleep over the past week is taking diphenhydramine to not so much sleep as much as stop being conscious. There’s something deeply hurt inside of me right now, and I know three things that will fix it in the short-term, but in the long-term, I’m not sure, because how much of this will continue to happen.
I stand up, fall down, then stand up.
If anything, at least I have a decent amount of resilence to keep putting up a fight. Why does it have to be so difficult, though? Why can’t it be even just a little easier for me? This is the weakness seeping in, sure, but I’ve been awake for all this time – it’s just after 9pm on Tuesday, and I last slept for maybe a few hours on Monday afternoon, but more because my body couldn’t process any more physical pain after physical therapy than out of any actual healthy, natural fatigue – and there’s no relief.
How admirable is this fight, really?
It’s just a bloodbath from my perspective. I don’t feel well. Is this cure really even better than what was ailing me? There is probably all this adrenaline coursing through my veins that won’t calm down for several more hours. I can’t see myself calming any time soon and yet that’s what needs to happen. I showered a few hours ago but my body has kicked into such an overdrive state that I smell the sweat perspiration from my recently-cleaned underarms.
I wrote at 5am about how tired I was.
I haven’t got any less tired. It’s just at this point, I am in this state where my mind can’t shut down. I am still coherent and still able to process things acceptably, perhaps not as politely or formally as usual, but it’s still a purgatory that’s lasted probably the better part of a week. I haven’t had a good night’s rest in too long.
I haven’t written because I’ve kept my mind busy in other areas.
If I had written more earlier, would I have assessed that, actually, yes, I am tired, and yes, I should try to regain some of this physicality? I always seem to be more mentally tired after scraping all the thoughts out of my brain and into these essays. I feel so useless, though, because even after I click the publish button, shut everything down, and think I can go to bed, I am still possessed by boundless energy.
It feels like the only way I can sleep now is by crashing – hard.
It’s in this weird state where I am the most vulnerable yet self-loathing that feels the most harmful to me. Something to calm my nerves would help, but nothing will calm these nerves. They are a deeper hurt than just one night’s rest. How did I get to this point in my life where I am as I am right now?
I must be a disgusting, ugly person right now.
I feel sick and I haven’t had the appetite to better nourish myself. I’ve been trying to eat as much as I can, and I ate a fair amount today, but I also feel nauseous. Although I feel even more exhausted than I did just a few sentences ago, I know that as soon as I try to end this essay on a positive note, it won’t work. I will be up for another four to six or ten more hours and not by my choice.
There is an intense pain behind my left eye now.
It’s usually my right eye and it’s usually less intense than this. If it’s my back, then I need to learn better posture. I am doing what I can to stretch and contort my spine, but nothing seems o help. Doing all that I can is focusing the pain to behind my left eye.
Is this pain admirable for me, or for others?
If I suffer like this, does this act as a tithe for past problems? How many more suffering minutes or hours must I endure before I can get some relief? I feel tired, cold, and apathetic. Shouldn’t I be feeling more heroic if I’m fighting a good cause like trying to keep my head above the waters of insobriety?
Instead, I get some time with a clear head before the storms return.
I’ve found a spot where my spine seems to be happy. I am tiling my head at a 45-degree angle to my left side with my lower spine doing little circles to try to- nope, now it hurts behind the back of my head on my left side, so I reversed the head-tiled to I would be 45-degrees to my right, and I’m not sure how many seconds or minutes I won’t suffer in this position. Feels like it’ll be in another minute or so.
It’s difficult thinking anything positive right now.
|Sources: My personal experiences.|
|Inspirations: Here I am, suffering for sobriety, and all I want to do is escape this pain, rather than try to overcome it.|
|Related: Sober Living essays and Tripping On [The American Healthcare System] chapters.|
|Written On: 2020 June 09 [8:50pm~ [I just started writing, oops] to 9:25pm]|
|Last Edited: 2020 June 09 [First draft; final draft for the Internet.]|